DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Lois Welling and is copyright (c) 2006 by Lois Welling. All rights reserved. Rated NC17.

Covenant

by Lois Welling

Commander Spock stood silent, his back straight, his eyes focused on the wall over Jim Kirk's head while the captain concentrated on his computer screen. "Well, Spock, for once things have worked out; your leave came through. The trip to Vulcan isn't exactly the most direct route; unfortunately, you'll have several layovers, but in three weeks we'll be close enough to Vulcan to swing by and pick you up."

While the First Officer remained quiet as Kirk keyed the sequence into Spock's personal communicator, his thoughts were far from calm. Worked out, thought Spock. No, Captain, things have not worked out. All this has done is placed me in the middle of a dilemma, with a decision I do not wish to make. Being torn between what he should do and what he wanted to do was not new to Spock. He had battled with this problem on more than one occasion, but never more intently as when he had been forced to choose between Starfleet, which he wanted, and the Vulcan Science Academy, which was Sarek's choice. He had chosen Starfleet and the relationship between father and son had suffered immensely.

Jim Kirk looked up at his first officer. "Spock, are you listening to me?"

"Certainly, Captain." Spock knew that Jim was pleased at having been able to arrange this leave for him. If he only knew. Spock had been secretly hoping for just the opposite. It would have been an excellent excuse to avoid this meeting, but now he had no choice. By accepting his orders Spock knew his decision had been made. He recalled the ordeal with T'Pring. It is too soon, his heart despaired. I need more time. I am not ready to face Vulcan. And the thought of having to deal with this female was almost enough to make him ill, but his father had requested he come to Vulcan and meet her, so he would go.

With communication begun during the events on the journey to the Babel conference, the relationship between father and son had improved considerably. While nothing was said of the incident with T'Pring's challenge, Spock sensed it weighed heavily on his father's mind. That Sarek had begun inquiries into another bonding gave evidence of his concern and Spock had only to look in his mother's eyes to see the sorrow and distress she was feeling. There will be no bonding. Who would mate their daughter to me? But he would go to please his father. Perhaps the gesture would put an end to what was left of the animosity between them and accomplish the reconciliation that was so important to him. Spock also knew the twofold reason for Sarek's haste in finding him another mate. The aborted Pon Farr had left him in a very precarious condition. It could reappear at any time and the sooner he was again bonded, the sooner the memories of what had happened would fade from everyone's mind.

* * *

Six days later Spock emerged from the Vulcan spaceport and stood for a minute letting the heat of his home world soak into him. Then he boarded a public transit car and rode it to the city limits noting that the landscape had changed little since his last visit. Always an under populated planet, Vulcan had no need to add to its living spaces with continual building as some worlds did. It was, in fact, something he savored about his home. There was room here to be alone and get lost with one's thoughts.

For the last bit of the ride Spock was alone. Those using this particular mode for their evening trip home from their day's work had already done so and it was too early for those venturing out to evening activities. Spock preferred the solitude, as he had no wish to interact with anyone. To this purpose he had worn an unadorned black tunic for his journey home, keeping his uniforms packed away. He was uneasy enough about seeing his parents without the insulation of Starfleet and the Enterprise to shield him and he certainly had no desire to be recognized. By slowing his usual brisk pace, Spock stretched the usual twenty-minute walk to the desert's edge and home into thirty and entered through the garden entrance. There he found a surprised Amanda staring up at him, the concern still so evident in her eyes.

"Spock, why didn't you let us know your arrival time? We would have met you."

"Mother, I had no wish to interfere with your routine."

Sarek appeared in the doorway. "Since when is meeting our son interference?" With that tone the Starfleet commander was once again reduced to the defiant boy who had gone against his father's wishes. Father and son faced each other as all of Spock's hopes for this visit began to abandon him. After all the years apart, within minutes of his homecoming they had fallen into the same old pattern.

"Had we known your exact arrival time," Sarek continued, "we could have arranged our schedule to be free this evening. As it is now, your mother and I are about to leave for an engagement we cannot reschedule at this late hour."

Before Spock could apologize, Amanda, taking her familiar position of peace maker, said, "Sarek, tomorrow we shall see what can be done about some free time."

Sarek nodded and it seemed to Spock that his father's voice softened when he said, "Son, I regret you will be spending your first evening at home alone." He helped Amanda with her cloak and as they walked toward the door, Sarek paused and turned back to Spock. "Spock, I am gratified that you chose to come for this meeting. You will find the portfolio in my desk computer." With those last words, Sarek replaced his authoritarian tone with one of a concerned parent.

Alone in the house, Spock relaxed somewhat as he went first to his room to unpack, shower and change. Looking around the room as he placed his suitcase on the bed, he noted the furniture: narrow bed, desk and computer terminal. Everything was just as it had been when he left for Starfleet Academy so many years ago. He went to the wall shelf that housed his mineral collection and from the many specimens he picked up a chunk of quartzite and remembered finding it on his first solo trip into the desert. Lightly fingering the rough edge, he continued to study the room. It was a boy's room and no longer suited him, but he knew it pleased his mother to keep it this way, and since he spent almost no time here, he said nothing.

He emerged feeling refreshed and followed an urge to explore the house. It was not a large dwelling by Vulcan standards, just sixteen rooms, but as necessary for telepaths, the rooms were spacious and the connecting hallways wide. Eleven generations had lived here many of them utilizing all the rooms, but of late with only the three of them, a whole wing had been closed off. Walking from room to room he recalled times when he was growing up here. Many things looked the same, others very different, but the house seemed smaller somehow. As he passed the door that led to the old part of the house, unused since before his birth, he remembered himself as a frightened five-year-old, sent to fetch some item. He had told himself that it was illogical to be afraid, yet he had scurried as fast as his long, thin legs would carry him.

Back in the kitchen he programmed himself a light supper and took it out to the garden to eat. It was just dusk and the evening breeze was just beginning to blow in from the desert and it occurred to Spock that he was not at all unhappy about being by himself on his first night home. Alone with his thoughts, there was no pressure to make conversation, but he knew that he would not be able to completely relax until tomorrow's meeting was behind him.

Midway through his meal he caught the movement of his mother's pet lem on the garden wall. When I'Chaya had died, his parents had decided on a pet that required less care then a sehlat. The lem was a good choice. Much like an Earth cat, which Amanda had owned as a child, it was independent and could be left on its own for long periods of time. It had been taught to use a small iris opening in the wall for access in and out of the house and could be trusted to obtain only needed amounts of food by pushing a button with its paw.

As he sat gazing at the familiar sights around him, Spock remembered the countless hours he and Amanda, and even Sarek, had worked here. His mother's often-repeated comment had been of the contrast between keeping a Terran garden weed-free and a Vulcan one sand-free. Spock noticed the bed of ground cover under the hoyac tree where I'Chaya had been buried. Illogical as it might be, he still missed that animal. In his youth there were many days spent with I'Chaya as his faithful, and oftentimes only companion. Often throughout his early childhood, he has felt that the sehlat was the only living thing that really understood him.

Spock watched as the sun began to set over the desert and knew that this place would always be home to him. He roamed space as first officer of the Enterprise and relished the challenge and excitement of his work, but when that was behind him, this would be where he would come to live out his life; this was home. If he had ever doubted it, he could no more; for never had it been shown to him more clearly than when the fever had come upon him, fiercely compelling him to return to the planet of his birth.

These thoughts led him to consider the female's portfolio. He knew he should go and deal with it, but he remained where he was. The lem, which had been stalking and appraising him from a distance, suddenly pounced onto his lap demanding attention. As he sat there stroking the animal, his mind began to re-live the events that were the cause of his dark mood. It had been a fiasco from the very beginning. Mentally, he counted his mistakes. First, you ignored the early signs that the Pon Farr was imminent, even though you had been taught what to expect. McCoy is correct: you do not see that which you do not wish to see. Then you had the effrontery to believe that you could maintain control when no other Vulcan male could. Somehow you would be different. But you weren't different. The control went and there was that disgusting show of emotions in front of the crew. You actually disobeyed orders. When irony that the understanding of humans saved you from the official reprimand you deserved. You caused Jim to risk his career for you and Doctor McCoy feels a great responsibility for your life. They stood by you even when you could not bring yourself to explain your behavior. They took you to Vulcan. Vulcan. Spock gazed past the garden wall at the starlit horizon.

With painful clarity it came back to him -- T'Pring's unspeakable actions. She had planned all along to challenge, to say she would rather be chattel to any man than wife to the half-breed Spock. It was the ultimate insult. But to choose Jim... The vice-grip of pain that always tightened his chest when he recalled the incident did so again. As the memories flooded his mind he let the pain remain as a kind of penance for that deed. He knew that instinct had led, that he had no control--I will do what I must do -- but that was no excuse for the act of taking a life, a special life, that of his captain and his friend. And when the deed was done he had had no fever, no interest in T'Pring, and no interest in life itself.

Back on the ship he had been preparing to surrender to authorities, but there was Jim -- alive and well -- thanks to McCoy's quick thinking. Spock had been so relieved -- another disgraceful display of emotion. He had realized only later what a boomerang effect seeing Jim alive had had on him. He had not killed, had not taken the life of his friend. But as the days passed Spock had been force to deal with all the repercussions of the incident. Odd looks from crewmembers and conversations that fell silent when he entered a room were uncomfortable, and when he considered what must have been happening on Vulcan -- challenge was a rare thing. But what Spock found to be his most difficult task, was to forgive himself. As his mind relived the incident time and time again depression set in and had yet to lift.

Jim had always been there trying in his quiet way to show friendship. The doctor was more vocal in his concern. It had helped some, but what he needed was more time. Yet here he was, about to face the preliminaries of another bonding. It was enough to make him consider the merits of the linger death.

The stretching lem intruded on his thoughts. Staring into the darkness, Spock realized the lateness of the hour. Knowing his parents would arrive home tired, but feel compelled to spend time with him, he decided to retire.

* * *

Knowing he could put it off no longer, Spock rose early and, cup of tea in hand he went to attend to the portfolio. Engaging the proper computer file, the first thing he saw on the screen was the likeness of a young woman. His first uncontrolled emotion was one of relief; this female looked nothing like T'Pring. She was very fair, her hair a light brown with auburn highlights and her eyes appeared to be a very deep blood-green, a very unusual characteristic and assigned by superstition and myth to having exceptional insight and curiosity.

Spock ignored the information containing her education, medical records and family history since Sarek would have already checked them most thoroughly and Spock need only enough information to make intelligent conversation at today's meeting, but curiosity motivated him to check her height, 5'6" and her age. She was just past twenty-five turnings. Her name was T'Ayrian and she was the younger of two daughters of T'Selma and Sigear. Spock recognized the family name; they had been engaged in commerce for several generations.

Spock leaned back and turned off the viewer. What a waste of time this is. With her family's wealth and connections, she would have suitors from all over the planet. Although Vulcan custom stated that all should be equal, facts could not be ignored. On Vulcan the male needed to mate to live, the female did not. This gave her the advantage. While parents made the choice for their children, adults were allowed more freedom in selecting a mate. T'Ayrian's bondmate had been killed before the marriage. This put her between child and adult. How much choice would she be allowed in the selection of a mate? Does it matter? he asked himself. A prestigious family with an intelligent, attractive, virgin female would see no advantage in mating her with an older mixed-breed, employed in Starfleet, who did not even live on Vulcan, and had an unsuccessful bonding in his past. Spock knew his chances were nil. What he could not understand was why his father had even bothered to ask him home for this.

Returning to the viewer, Spock read further. T'Ayrian was a hydro-engineer working at a new water treatment plant just outside the city. He studied the psychological tests both had taken for this process and noted that their compatibility correlations were extremely high. But he knew that families did not choose mates based on that factor alone.

It was time to change for the meeting. At least, he thought, it will soon be over.

* * *

Spock located the building he wanted and took the lift to the third floor. Recognizing the family name next to the door, he then stood waiting for he knew not what. Some part of him wanted to turn and leave, leave this place. But the image of facing Sarek with that news kept him rooted to the spot and brought his hand up to touch the door's signal plate. Thirty seconds later the door opened and he recognized the face he had seen earlier on his father's view screen.

"Enter, Spock," T'Ayrian said, "and be welcome in this dwelling."

Taking a deep breath, he gave the proper response. "May my presence complement the harmony of this home."

She followed with another tradition. "Hast thee thirst from thy journey?"

"No. I am sustained."

"Then if thee would follow me." He walked behind her into the formal gathering room, glancing at the collection of art objects displayed throughout the room. Some were Vulcan in origin, but Spock recognized pieces from several other civilizations and was impressed. The family obviously found that commerce was not the only worthwhile aspect of other cultures.

When they were seated T'Ayrian said, "I trust thy journey was not too tiresome."

"Somewhat, yes. I had to transfer three different times with lengthy layovers. I am grateful that the return trip will be more direct." Then doing what Spock did best, he attempted the direct the topic of conversation away from himself by asking, "Has thee traveled off Vulcan?"

"Yes, my sister and I were allowed to accompany my father on several occasions, and I did find it most interesting. Being able to view other societies and cultures is most fascinating. I should have liked to make more trips, but my parents would not allow too many because of my schooling."

Her behavior was proper, the conversation stilted and forced. But behind that, Spock sensed her very close study of him and wondered why she bothered, curiosity, perhaps? Before her was the Vulcan of the recent Kal-if-Fee. Did she wish to see for herself the person rejected in so public a display?

"Being in Starfleet," she continued, "thee must have the opportunity to see many diverse cultures..."

This Spock could discuss and it would fill the time until her parents arrived and the real reason for this meeting could begin. He was curious as to why they were not here now, unless, they were delayed with work or personal business. Whatever the reason, Spock was forced to admit that this meeting was not progressing as he had expected.

The two continued to talk with Spock describing some of the places he had seen and her pressing for details. He noted that she continued to study him and when their eyes caught for a second, she did not look away. Instead she said, "I have not seen that type of Starfleet uniform before. Is it new?"

"No," he replied, somewhat surprised by the question. "It is the dress uniform and is worn only on formal occasions."

He saw her eyes spark with light at his remark. "I am honored. And the decorations, are they perhaps, awards of merit?"

"Yes," Spock said, but finding this topic uncomfortable, he tried again to change the subject. "I beg pardon for not being in Vulcan dress, but I discovered on my return home that my civilian wardrobe is rather limited."

"Please, do not apologize, Commander Spock. I find the uniform most interesting." Then she began to inquire about Starfleet in general and his position in particular.

After almost an hour, she said, "I have prepared refreshments." She stood and led the way to a small garden balcony. "I believe thee will find it pleasant here," then she excused herself.

Spock took the opportunity to examine what was happening and to admit his confusion. He had predicted a short meeting with the whole family in which they would all live up to the formalities of the situation and excuse his at the first possible opportunity. But to find her alone and apparently in no hurry to dismiss him... Her return with a tray of food put a temporary halt to his thoughts.

He took the tray from her and together they set up the table. Noticing she had places for only two, Spock asked, "Your parents will not be joining us?"

"No, Spock. They are not at home. I realize that this is somewhat irregular, but I asked that we not be disturbed." Noting his raised eyebrow, she added. "These occasions can be most awkward for the two principles involved; the presence of extraneous individuals only increases the discomfort. Does it trouble thee?"

"No. I concur with you reasoning," he stated, but that was not quite true.

As if she sensed that, she said, "Spock, I would assume that thee had read my portfolio, as I have yours." When he nodded she continued. "I wish to know the individual to whom those facts pertain. That can best be accomplished without other present."

Reflecting on her statement as they ate, Spock was forced to admit that he was unnerved by her actions. He had prepared himself to deal primarily with her parents and only secondarily with her. This arrangement was irregular. Watching her, he noted that she seemed very at ease with the situation and he did find that surprisingly pleasant. Then a new thought flashed unbidden into his mind: How many times has she met a prospective mate under these same circumstances, and what does she hope to gain by it?

As he helped her clear the table, he decided to pursue the question on his mind. "How is it that thee has so little difficulty dealing with this situation?"

"I accept it," was her answer and the look in her eyes seemed to confirm that.

Spock took it one step further. "Thee does not feel like a -- commodity?"

This remark caught her off guard, as if, Spock realized, she had never in her life considered such an idea.

"Certainly not!" she stated emphatically. She set down the tray to look him in the eye. "It is a fact that the males of our race must have a mate. Coupled with the telepathy, compatibility is extremely important for a successful match. Therefore, the bonding is a logical answer. While the Vulcan way may not always be the best, it does in most cases lead to suitable matings." Her voice softened. "I remember my amazement upon learning that ours was not the only, or even the most common way of mate selection." Spock remembered his own dismay.

With the air cleared somewhat; the talk flowed a little easier. Trying to do his part in living up to the intent of this interview, Spock asked about her work.

"We have a new facility that is quite impressive. Has thee seen it?"

"No, I only arrived yesterday."

She began describing the plant and the new process being used and within seconds they were immersed in a conversation comparing the merits of different types of water treatment. As the afternoon wore on, neither seemed aware of the sun's position in the summer sky. When they did realize the hour, Spock prepared to take his leave, but as he opened the door T'Selma came into the room and before the introductions were complete Sigear came home. T'Selma suggested refreshments and Spock felt he could not refuse.

* * *

As the door shut on Commander Spock, parents and child faced one another. While T'Selma and Sigear had been more than polite to Spock, now the tension grew. "Well, daughter," Sigear finally said, breaking the unpalatable silence, "Did Commander Spock meet with your approval?"

T'Ayrian took time to formulate her response and met his gaze when she said, "Father, it is not my place, nor is it my intention to approve or disapprove of another sentient being." Their eyes stayed locked on each other.

"You are correct," he said after a strained silence, "my words were ill-chosen and I retract them."

T'Selma interjected herself between father and daughter, "Are you ready to complete your part of our agreement?" This was the "go-between" position the wife and mother often times assumed when she wanted no words spoken for which there was no undoing.

T'Ayrian shifted her gaze. "Yes, Mother, I am. My belongings are packed and I will depart immediately." With that she turned and made for her bed chamber and spent the first several minutes there calming herself. Then taking up her luggage she emerged to find her parents waiting.

As she walked toward the door, her parents approached. "T'Ayrian, we do not wish you to leave with harsh words between us," her father said and his tone of voice conveyed that same message.

"Nor do I, Father." Relief, she felt it in her middle and saw the same in her mother's eyes.

* * *

Spock arrived home in time for the evening meal and found his mother in the kitchen.

"Son, you were gone so long, I was becoming concerned. Did all go well?"

"I have no idea, Mother, can one ever tell?" Spock noted her worried look and wished he could say something to alleviate it, but he had no idea what that might be.

"I guess I don't know. Your father's and my meeting was so very different."

These two, mother and son, studied each other and emotions were very close to the surface. "Excuse me, Mother, I shall change before dinner."

As he changed out of his dress uniform Spock thought about his mother's statement. He had always wondered about how his parents had met. He had even tried many times, without success, to imagine how they had even become well enough acquainted to discuss marriage. He loved and respected his mother and knew that life on Vulcan had not been easy for her. But she had made the transition from human to Vulcan. She had become the mate Sarek wanted and needed. There was no doubt of the love and harmony between them, but it had not always been so. While growing up, Spock had been peripherally aware that there were problems, mostly to do with his upbringing. It had been his mother's ability to adapt that was responsible for the melding his parents now shared. Sarek had been patient, even understanding at times, but it was Amanda who had changed.

During their meal, Spock tried to prepare answers to the questions he knew his father would ask later. After rethinking the events of the afternoon he still had no answers.

The small family moved from the dining room to the garden and Spock braced himself, but he was not prepared for his father to ask, "Son, the captain and the doctor, things are well with them?"

"Yes, Father, very well." Not trusting his good luck to last, he quickly asked, "The Babel proclamations -- are you satisfied with the way they are being administered?"

"On the whole, yes. We took great care to see that a competent individual was placed in charge."

"I read that there was much opposition to Kimmel's having that position."

"They were convinced of the logic of it."

He's not going to ask, Spock finally realized after several minutes had gone by and the conversation stayed away from personal areas. He must feel that I have done my part and now it is out of my hands.

Spock felt himself relax and talk flowed easier as the tension seemed to melt away. Aware of his mother's pleasure at seeing father and son together, it was also obvious to him that Sarek wanted the rift between them healed as much as he did. "I had planned to spend a few days in the desert," Spock said. "Father, I do not suppose it would be possible for you to join me?" he added tentatively.

"No, son, I have duties..." There was a pause as Sarek was obviously evaluating what he would say. "Perhaps some arrangements can be made."

They consulted the map on the study wall and made plans. Spock would leave in the morning and spend two days traveling to Surak's Retreat. Sarek would join him there and they would have two days together.

* * *

T'Ayrian took leave of her parents with all undercurrents of tension dissipated. She was calm and relaxed as she rode the public transport across the city. Her destination was the private cloister her family used when there was need for more than the routine of daily meditation. Using the electronic code sent her when the reservation was confirmed, T'Ayrian let herself into the suite she would occupy for the next few days. As she unpacked, she surveyed her surroundings and was well satisfied. It was a most pleasant place; a serene and spacious suite, excellent foods servitors, hot baths, secluded walking paths, if she desired them, and most critical, the item Vulcans prized most, privacy.

She remembered her one and only trip to a primitive cloister. It had been a most unpleasant experience and she could not comprehend why anyone would consider that type of living arrangement conducive to deep thinking and meditation. In her estimation, extreme fluctuation of temperatures causing the body to overheat during the day and freeze at night, poor food in meager proportion, stone slab beds and coarsely woven robes made for a miserable experience. How, she wondered, could anyone gain any insights into the problem that had brought them to such a place when they were so uncomfortable?

Belongings stored away, T'Ayrian was ready for a relaxing bath. She programmed the holographic room to a peaceful garden scene, set the water and air temperatures and chose the scent and music she preferred. While the tub filled she changed into a robe and brushed out her hair. Then she sank into the deep water and began the process of clearing her mind of extraneous thoughts in preparation for the task ahead.

Emerging from the bath sometime later, T'Ayrian programmed herself a light meal, and as she sat eating she read from her favorite collection of poetry. It was casual reading as she wanted nothing to clutter her mind or trouble her sleep.

Upon waking, T'Ayrian took only water. Setting the holographic room to a sterile setting she settled herself onto a comfortable reclining couch. There would be no music or scents to distract as she spent the day in deep meditation. She would pause only to take needed liquid nourishment. Settling onto the sofa she gave herself over to the task at hand and was soon into deep meditation. It was early evening when she roused in need of nourishment. She passed the evening with more light reading -- the biography of a favorite author. She repeated the bath program before allowing sleep to claim her.

Her second day began with a simple breakfast and a light meditation. Then she prepared for her appointment with Counselor Tulov.

She recalled her genuine surprise at learning that the government not only sanctioned, but was actually sponsoring research on Vulcan bonding practices, and had only agreed to discuss this personal matter because her parents had made it part of their covenant and she felt forced to concede. She did however request a copy of the research proposal and had studied it thoroughly.

T'Ayrian remembered her own interest in the subject, although it had not been important at the actual time of her bonding. At seven years of age her main concern was the ceremony itself. She had, of course, met Whyte several times and, not realizing it, these two were like every other child about to be bonded, in that they had no special feelings for one another. Her interest was in the new garment being prepared for the occasion, and how she would cope with the attention. Vulcan children were raised to be circumspect, to not put themselves forward or call attention to themselves. Then at age seven to be involved in a bonding ceremony where you were to be the center of attention was very disconcerting. To be informed that her parents, counselors and psychological tests had determined that she and Whyte would be a suitable match was an uncomfortable shock, but who was she to argue against parents, tests and centuries of tradition? And since she had no concrete idea of the depth of what that "match" would eventually entail, she concentrated on that which she could understand. What she would wear on this occasion and how to best present herself so not to disgrace her family.

At last, the day had come and T'Ayrian found herself standing next to Whyte staring up at T'Mal. She sensed her parent's presence behind her and blanked her mind of everything except the responses she was to give, not realizing that she had no true understanding of what she was promising. She remembered that her only real feeling had been relief when the whole ordeal was over. Communicator sounded interrupting T'Ayrian's reverie.

"Peace," he said as he entered. "You found matters to your satisfaction, I trust?"

"Peace to you also," T'Ayrian said as she stood facing Counselor Tulon. He was a man of middle years, which for a Vulcan meant he was somewhere between the age of 50 and 100 and average in every way save his intense dark eyes. "Yes," T'Ayrian responded, "everything was most accommodating. May I offer you some tea?"

"Yes, thank you. Then I suggest we begin immediately. I do not wish to delay you return home any longer than necessary." He went straight to the desk and set up his personal data recorder. "Would you mind if we commence with your personal history?"

"No. I expected you would ask," T'Ayrian said as she set a cup of tea on the desk. Taking her own tea she sat in the chair next to the desk and began without preamble. She had been prepared for this, knowing that she had only to tell the counselor her reasoning and not her motivating emotions. "My bondmate was killed when I was sixteen and at that time I had no wish to seek another mate. When several years passed and I had not altered that decision, my parents became concerned."

He looked up from his work and studied her with those piercing, inquisitive eyes. "I am most interested with your change of mind, and what prompted you to decide to seek a mate at this time."

T'Ayrian drew in a deep breath and thought before she spoke. "I believe there are multiple reasons. First, as I matured, I came to know that I did not wish to live my whole life alone, to be without husband or children. Also," here she chose her words carefully, "in the past few years I have come to realize that if I did not mate, I would have to withdraw from public life and live cloistered until I was past child bearing age. I realized that I had no desire to live in that manner."

"Will you share your experience?" he asked, his gaze intensifying. Seeing her reluctance, he continued. "I understand your hesitation to reveal personal experiences, but I consider this research of prime importance..."

T'Ayrian nodded, "I understand, just a moment please," she asked as recent memories sprang to mind. She quickly banished them. "At first it was just the odd look or so. Then people were avoiding me at social gatherings. The decision changing incident happened almost a year ago. A social invitation was rescinded with the claim of a conflicting engagement, but when it was rescheduled with my name eliminated, I knew then that I had to make a decision."

"You felt the social pressure, then?" he asked as if he knew the answer.

T'Ayrian leaned back in her chair. "Oh, yes. I sensed it, it was impossible not to; the rogue female, un-bonded in a bonded society. It was then I realized that I could not continue as such." She paused, deciding what she would say. "I had no wish to abandon my work, my family, my very life. I desired a normal life and it was becoming more and more clear that on Vulcan, that meant taking a mate."

As if he sensed her discomfort, Tulon said, "Before I ask what actions you took in the process, I would like to express my appreciation for your help in my research. I do realize that it is a subject not openly spoken about."

T'Ayrian studied the counselor for a long moment then asked the question she so often wondered about. "Why is that so?" she asked. "It strikes me quite illogical." She noticed his reaction, a change in facial expression and the color of his eyes deepened.

"You know our history, of course," he said, composing himself. "Ancient Vulcans were a highly socialized society; our very survival depended on it in our harsh conditions. Settlements were centered around surface water; the strong hunted and defended the homestead while others built shelters, gathered food stuffs, made clothing... Some anthropologists postulate that the first Vulcans were true telepaths. Think how it would have aided the hunters when stalking their prey or the warriors in warding off enemies. But as civilization grew and technology improved telepathy became a double edged sword. Instead of binding people together, it began to push them apart and the individual who did not project thoughts and emotions became more and more valued." He seemed almost to sigh. "As a people we buried our feelings, suppressed and ritualized all emotion out of everything except where were could not -- Pon Farr... Excuse me," he apologized. "But I consider this a serious problem for Vulcan that must be addressed."

"Of course, I know our history, but what has that to do with your research?"

He did not immediately answer so T'Ayrian remained quiet. "A trend seems to be emerging in our society. I have been studying it for over three decades. The government has finally decided to see what has been evident to many in the field for a long time."

"Do you believe our society is experiencing more incomplete bondings than in the past?"

"Yes, in my estimation we are and it is also my contention that people are no longer willing to stay in an unsatisfactory bonding."

"And to what do you attribute this?"

"I cannot say for sure, off planet influences, perhaps our own evolution. In my counseling work I see couples begin to live separate lives, they build separate social lives and come together only -- when necessary. And many parents are no longer bonding their children at the standard age of seven. They are waiting longer, even into the second decade, and even more profound, they are allowing children more input into the selection of a mate."

"I am in my third decade," T'Ayrian stated.

"Yes, and it is my understanding that you will have total autonomy in that selection. Traditionally that does not happen until individuals are past their fifth or sixth decade. By examining your thought process through the entire procedure I will gain much insight. Your maturity level -- I have interviewed several individuals, but to add data from someone of your maturity level will be very beneficial to my research." As if sensing a needed to reinforce his argument, Tulon continued, "Vulcan's birth rate is on the decline and has been for over six decades. I have tried to make the General Counsel subcommittee on population aware of this fact for some time. Finally, in light of the last census figures, they are listening to me. As you well know, it is not considered a suitable subject for public discussion, but it must be addressed."

T'Ayrian sensed the passion in his voice and busied herself warming up the tea to cover the awkward silence. After they had sipped their tea she began to explain the process she followed in finding a mate.

"The first step was to inform my parents and request they make private inquiries. I also accessed the public data base. There were 34 males listed. After reading every portfolio, I found no one I considered a potential mate. But to satisfy my parents I selected four." T'Ayrian stopped. She had thought she was prepared to answer all the counselors' questions, but was not sure what she wanted to say about this matter. "The three males the private inquiries produced resulted in one I would consider as a potential mate. My parents did not approve, therefore, a covenant was struck. After considering 7 males, I would take time to meditate on my choice, but the final selection would be mine."

Tulon only nodded at this information so T'Ayrian continued.

"Next, I accessed the interactive holographic portfolios of six; there was none for the seventh individual."

"And you reactions?"

"Five neutral, and" she hesitated, "one very negative."

This captured his attention. "Interesting," Tulon said eyeing her closely. "I am most interested in this negative reaction. You know the holographic images are intended to illicit an emotional response. It is considered better to experience such reactions with the image rather than with the person. Will you describe your experience?"

When she did not immediately answer, he added, "It would be valuable information for my research. The bond is critical to the furtherance of our society, yet we know very little about what makes them succeed or fail. Yours is a most unique position." Then he waited.

"The negative feeling was something I have never experienced before. But, as a child I traveled with my father. One odd experience I shall not forget. A small cafe, two human females sitting at the next table when a Korasion male lobbed past. One of the females exhibited a physical reaction; her whole body shivered. 'Makes my skin crawl,' she stated loud enough for those around her to hear. I understood neither her reaction nor her words until it happened to me. That was the exact reaction I had to one of the males. It was a fierce physical reaction, revulsion."

"Did you then meet with this person?"

"I did, and my reaction was exactly the same. I found it very difficult to simply get through the interview and was most relieved when he left."

"Most interesting. What of the other interviews?"

"Five neutral and one positive."

"I see. And it is your opinion that initial positive response is critical to a successful bond?"

"I can only speak for myself, but I could not in good faith enter a bond with any of the males but the one with whom I have a positive interaction."

"It appears that your decision is made then, certainly not based on this positive reaction alone?" he asked.

"Certainly not. I studied each and every individual for compatibility. I also knew that I would have to respect my mate and looked into that aspect and areas of interest, political leanings, and, most importantly the psychological ability to exist as a harmonious bonded couple."

* * *

The morning after the interview Spock hoisted the pack to his back and left the house without waking his parents. Then he began walking, letting the heat of his home world soak into his body. He needed this quiet time alone. Things aboard the Enterprise were either hectic as hell -- as Bones so aptly phrased it -- or deadly routine boring, never anything in-between. Spock admitted to himself that it felt good to be away from it for a time. Here he had no responsibilities and only himself to please. It had been very long time since he had enjoyed that pleasure. He forced all thoughts of problems concerning the ship from his mind. They were routine and would be waiting on his return. And since the matter of a possible bonding with T'Ayrian was out of his hands, he had put that aside as well. Spock continued to walk, and with each step he recalled the historical significance of what had happened here in the desert so many centuries ago and what it had meant to his people. During the evening of the second day he rounded the dune to find his father awaiting him at the agreed upon place.

Sarek was already setting up their camp and Spock pitched in and they shared the chores of their meal, and then the two spent the evening in almost comfortable silence. Spock could see that his father was attempting to relax in preparation for the next day's hike. Remembering his father's heart condition, Spock wondered if perhaps this trip might not be good for Sarek. He cautioned himself to set a leisurely pace and not to cause his father any undue physical stress.

In the following days the two men, alone with each other and away from the pressures of duties began recalling the many days they had spent here in the desert when Spock was young and training for the Kahs'wan. First, at age five, the child was taken to the desert and little by little given more difficult tasks to perform. Then his first series of trip alone at around age six were just for the day; he must return before nightfall. Spock had felt that Sarek would never have enough confidence in him to allow an overnight outing. Finally, on his seventh birthday, the day had come and as he lay in his bedroll, marking his first night in the desert alone he had been grateful for his father's precautions. He would never forget the look of relief on Amanda's face, or the one of pride in Sarek's eyes as he entered the garden the next morning to find them waiting.

It was their last night in the desert, with their evening meal finished and the campsite once more in order they sat quietly before a small fire. "Doctor McCoy was pleased to receive the medical report and to learn how well you are doing," Spock hoped the remarks would be an opening to conversation.

"I asked my healers to correspond with him. His concern was most genuine and I sensed his frustration on the lack of available information. He takes his medical duties most seriously."

"That he does. Sometimes too seriously on my account."

"I can well imagine. He and your mother were huddled together for many hours and I shudder to think of what was discussed."

"I do not believe you need worry yourself about that, Father. Doctor McCoy will be most discrete with whatever information he managed to learn and I think mother needed to be able to discuss your condition."

"I agree. She seems much relieved after her talks with him and she is even better now that you have come home. Our time spend aboard the Enterprise after my surgery has eased her mind a good deal, and mine. Son, I should like to speak more on this subject if you will listen."

"Of course, Father, but I have no wish to cause you distress."

"I have learned that distress can come from not speaking true and not understanding what drives ones actions. The problem with my heart had been a concern for some time and I sought to lay blame everywhere. Primarily, on myself for not being able to heal it." He looked at his son before continuing. "I also gave a share of the blame to you. If I died, you would not be there to aid your mother in what might happen and to handle matters. I blamed Starfleet because it was your choice and because they accepted you. It was most illogical, and I have no excuse for my behavior. But, thankfully, hindsight is an excellent teacher. Spock I have thought much on this and I do not intend to repeat my mistakes."

Spock swallowed hard and was glad for the darkness that shielded his astonishment.

"Your mother has much concern for you, Spock, you know that. And she has always been at odds as to how to express it, trying so hard to balance the Vulcan way I prefer with her Human needs."

"I do understand that, Father." The memory flashed in his mind and instinctively Spock thought to dismiss it. But in light of what his father had just revealed, he decided to share this with his father. "Never was it brought home more clearly then the one time she chose to discipline me physically."

Sarek looked up, eyes bright in the firelight. "Oh, yes, I remember that incident. I could not fault her for that, Spock. I might have done so myself had I come upon that scene and found you jumping off the roof."

"I did not begin there, Father," Spock explained. "I had been practicing my technique for some time beginning low on the garden wall and moving higher as I perfected my ability to land and roll safely. Mother just happened to appear when I had made it to the low roof over the kitchen."

"Son, can you imagine the terror she felt stepping outdoors to see you fling yourself off the roof and fly through the air?"

"I can now. At the time I perceived no danger to myself. Only when I saw the look in her eyes as she ran toward me did I perceive danger."

"Surely you know her actions were more fear then anger driven."

"I did get that message every time her hand connected with my backside and again when she stood me in front of her, her hands locked on my arms. She could not even speak, but I knew her fear. She pulled me tight against her as thoughts of me lying dead in the sand radiated through her."

"Were you aware that she did not sleep well for many weeks after that?"

"Yes, I would wake in the night to find her in my room just watching me." As Spock had hoped it would the sharing seemed to alleviate the strain between them.

"It has not been an easy life for her, but she has bowed to my wishes on almost everything ... and I cannot imagine my life without her."

"Some day I should hope to have such a relationship." Spock was sorry he has said that aloud not because he did not desire it, but because he did not see such a future for himself and because it reminded him of his present situation. "Father, might I ask why you brought me home for this meeting? There is no real chance that T'Ayrian's family will approve of me as a mate for her."

"Spock, if you read the psychological tests, you know the match would be good."

"Father, you avoid the obvious."

"No, son, I do not. But before we discuss a possible new bonding let me have my say on the old."

"No, Father, please... do not..."

"I bear responsibility in this, son, and I should like to share your burden. The one time I did bother to ask your opinion on that bonding, I ignored your answer, thinking I knew better. I remember you standing before me, taking a very long time before you spoke. 'I sense that this is not right, Father.' Those were your words and I did not heed them and we now see the results." Sarek looked across the fire at his only child. "Son, I did not come here just to walk the desert with you. I came to heal the breach between us ... if you will have it. Share the pain with me and by doing so, lessen it." Sarek reach out and placed his hand, palm down, on the sand. Then he waited.

Spock sat, his body still, but his mind racing with emotion caused by his father's words and his own thoughts. To know that his father wanted this breach healed swelled his heart with joy. But to burden his father with the pain he had felt thinking he had killed Jim seemed like deliberate punishment or even revenge. And he did not want his father to know what his plans had been after that event. He has set T'Pring free knowing he would return to the Enterprise and surrender to authorities. But, more importantly, he would not be alive to face trial. He would not put his homeland, his parents, nor Starfleet and his fellow officers through that.

Sarek, his hand still outstretched on the sand, waited. "Spock, I know what you planned, and why you did not accept T'Pring as chattel, but set her free. With your death, the burden of her care would have fallen to your family. You wanted to spare us that and any repercussions from Starfleet."

Spock's head dropped, his shoulders trembled as he tried to control his breathing.

"Son, I am waiting."

Tentatively Spock reached out to place his hand on top of his father's. The agony of that afternoon still so fresh flowed from son to father as each shuddered with the pain.

* * *

The evening stars were long set when Spock withdrew his hand. "It was not my wish that you suffer that experience."

"But it was my need to do so. After seeing you aboard the Enterprise, seeing what a close relationship you share and how protective they are of you, I realized how you must have suffered..."

"You baited them, Jim and McCoy," Spock said in genuine shock. "You purposely provoked them. That's what that whole business was about when you arrived ... your treatment of me. You wished to judge their reaction, but to what purpose?" Spock suppressed the anger that was attempting to surface. He had suffered the humiliation of the insults on that occasion, but to now learn that the act was deliberate...

"To ascertain your position aboard that vessel. To see if the respect you commanded was by rank alone or through personality and character. I wished to know how they perceived you."

"And what did you decide?" Spock managed to keep his tone civil.

"That you are most fortunate to have such people to call friend. Their feelings are genuine and they are very protective of you. I sensed their anger most profoundly. Their professionalism carried both through their duties, but their disapproval of me was quite evident. I believe that at one point the captain would have gladly struck me."

"Jim would never let his personal feelings dictate his actions in that way. But I still do not understand why you felt it necessary to...?"

"I thought I might have to ask you to come to Vulcan and be with your mother if ... I wished to know how you would feel about leaving your position and how the captain would feel about losing your services. The two of you work well together. I was most impressed..."

His anger dissipated as Spock realized he was hearing the thoughts of a man who had been staring death in the face. "Father, if you had asked, I would have come."

"I know that, son, and it pleases me. And it pleases me even more not to have to ask it of you. But enough said on that subject. We can be done with it forever. I will answer your earlier question as to why I called you home to meet with this female. You should know that I did not seek this meeting; it was Sigear who approached me about a possible bonding and we did discuss it at great length. I was not about to bring you home on a fool's errand." Sarek went silent for a second, and then said, "When Sigear informed me that it was T'Ayrian who wished to pursue this, I decided to speak with her directly. I was favorably impressed. What was your impression?"

Still trying to digest all that had passed between them, it took Spock an instant to find his voice. "I was also impressed," he finally said. "But I though it most unusual, we met alone, she did not wish her parents to be there."

"Interesting," Sarek commented. "But after my conversation with her I am not surprised. She is an intelligent one and certainly seems to have a mind of her own. And would you, son, see that as a asset or liability?"

"I should think, Father, that it could be both, a double edge sword, perhaps."

* * *

Arriving home T'Ayrian found her parents waiting. Knowing that there was no reason to delay, she faced them in the gathering room and their very demeanor told her that they already knew her decision. Taking the chair opposite them, she began without preamble. "I would request that you message Sarek and arrange a meeting. It is my intention to go forward with this bonding."

"Is there no argument that will dissuade you?"

"No, Mother. If I am to be bonded it will be with Spock." T'Ayrian watched as her mother sank back into her chair and her father stiffened. Then he relaxed somewhat.

"Very well. You know our position, but have fulfilled your commitment. There is no more to be said. I will message Sarek."

Agreeing with her father, T'Ayrian rose and went to her room and busied herself with unpacking. Then she sat and calmed herself. It was stressful to be at odds with one's parents, especially on so important a matter as a bondmate. But she was the one who would be living with her choice, sharing a life, a home -- and a bed when the time came.

T'Ayrian recalled her meeting with Spock -- his eyes -- when she opened the door. What was it she saw? Hesitation -- it had been an awkward situation, but then, perhaps in response to her look, he appeared to relax. She analyzed her own reaction. Her first impression was positive -- she found him pleasing to the eye. Sometimes she found males overbearing and their attitude pompous. Not so with Spock.

As she did with all potential mates, T'Ayrian made it a practice to imagine them as a bonded couple and then to evaluate her reactions. How would it be to stand next to him in a public gathering, to introduce him to colleagues and acquaintances? One reason she shared food was to assess the experience and envision what it would be like to be with this person day-after-day, year-after-year. Her thoughts always let to the final intimacies. Could she submit to this male's need? Until that afternoon's meeting the answer had always been a most emphatic no.

It was an emotional response and she knew it, but of all the males who presented themselves, there was only one she could allow to touch her in that way, to lay hands on her. She was not certain why this was true, or even how she knew it, but it was purely emotional. And she certainly would not want to try to explain it to anyone, but when she imagined the physical arrangements bondmates shared she knew her choice.

Am I so alien, so different? she wondered. Do others not have such thoughts and concerns? After her sister's marriage T'Ayrian had become consumed with the subject. Her parents had answered her questions, but intimate relations are never mentioned. How could a race that based itself on logic be so illogical in this one important area? When answers were not forthcoming, T'Ayrian accessed age-restricted databases which landed her in trouble with teachers and parents alike. Their explanation was that the information would be given to her at the appropriate time. That only served to frighten her further and, after Whyte's death, was in large part responsible for her decision to not seek another bonding.

But that was then, and time had past and circumstances changed. Now an adult, T'Ayrian had changed her mind and set about finding a desirable bondmate. She had found him and was now ready to get on with planning their life together.

T'Ayrian sighed inwardly as she responded to the light knocking on her bedroom door. "Come," she said, deciding she had no other choice, but having no wish to face another fruitless argument with her parents.

With mild relief T'Ayrian admitted her sister into the room. Despite the three cycle difference in their ages, she and T'Vanda had always shared a close kinship. Still, T'Ayrian had no desire to disagree with her sister either. "If you have come to intercede on our parent's behalf..."

"T'Ayrian, no, not on their behalf. I have concerns of my own about your decision..."

Stiffening with resolve, T'Ayrian made her tone harsh. "Trust me, sister, I know what I'm doing. Your concerns are groundless. My decision is made; there will be no further discussion on this matter."

T'Vanda let those words hang in the air until they dissipated. "Then tell me, T'Ayrian, why the desire to be bonded, why now, after all the years of refusal to even discuss the matter?"

T'Ayrian's determination faded in the face of her sister's genuine concern. "T'Vanda, you are not interested in what motivated my change of heart on this matter..."

T'Vanda's expression relaxed. "You are correct. I was so pleased when Mother told me of your decision. I want you to know the joys of family ... and bondmate..."

My marriage will be better, T'Ayrian thought, but the words remained unspoken as T'Vanda continued.

"...but how can you have those things with an absent mate?"

"...We will build a life." Other words fought for expression, but they died unspoken.

"...How, when? A bonding needs time and togetherness to coalesce..."

"I will put all of my energy into my goal..."

"And if you fail?"

"I do not believe that will happen, but if it should ... then I will end the relationship."

T'Vanda's eyes widened in disbelief. "You wouldn't!"

"Yes, sister, I will. I will have a complete bond or none at all." The silence grew heavy again and T'Ayrian was acutely aware of her sister's eyes on her.

"Why him, sister, after all the interviews, what about him stood out from the others and impressed you?"

T'Ayrian breathed deeply as she attempted to organize her thoughts, deciding what of her feelings she would reveal. "...His attitude about life, he seeks new experiences. To him space exploration is an exciting adventure..."

"Really, sister, and how will all this help in your bonding?"

Now it was T'Ayrian's turn to go quiet.

"Our concern, Mother's, Father's, and mine, it is real," T'Vanda continued. "...his profession, his mixed heritage, and ... his personal history ... you spent a short few hours with him, yet you are willing to defy our parents, to dismiss their concerns to bond with him ... why??"

"Enough!" T'Ayrian stated harshly. Then, seeing the distress in her sister's eyes, she was instantly sorry. "Forgive me, sister, but..."

"T'Ayrian, I know that I trespass on your personal space ... and mine is not a question easily asked of a Vulcan."

"...Nor easily answered," T'Ayrian finished, her voice quivering. They had never spoken as such before. Only the sounds of their breathing could be heard for several minutes as the two regained their composure. Then it was the elder sister who broke the silence.

"T'Ayrian, do you know what you are doing? What kind of a life can you have with him an absent mate, in Star Fleet and living off planet?"

"We will build a life," T'Aryian repeated.

"I will repeat my question. How will you build a life? When will there be time? You know that a bonding required time..."

"You and Calek have had time, over a decade, and still..."

T'Vanda's eyes widened in shock and distress. Stunned by her sister's words, she defended, "Calek cares for me, and our son. He provides a good life for us."

"That may be, but you cannot deny that there is discord in your bond. T'Vanda, it is palatable, your son knows it, mother and father know it, everyone knows it..."

Saddened by the truth, T'Vanda stated, "He is a kind and sensitive person..."

"I do not doubt that, but that does not alter the fact that you do not share a unified bond."

"We are trying, we grow closer every year," the elder sister continued defending her husband and marriage.

"Yet you failed to conceive last cycle...."

The words shocked both sisters silent, especially the one who uttered them. Ashamed, T'Ayrian sunk to her bed as a horrified T'Vanda made for the door.

Not wanting to part on this disturbing note, T'Ayrian recovered her voice, "T'Vanda, please, do not leave. You have my profound apology. I had no right to speak so. Forgive my indecency. I only meant that I will not settle for such a relationship."

T'Vanda turned her eyes wide with shock and distress. "Just what is it you think our relationship is?"

"You were frightened, taken against ... he forced you..."

"Ancient gods, Sister, you speak of our barbaric times. That is not what happened..."

"I saw the haunted look in your eyes, your bruises..."

"What you saw was the shamed look of failure." She turned away. "When he needed me most, I failed my mate. I let panic and fear rule me, and could not keep my head ... all my training failed me."

"I did not know ... when I saw you ... but, still, it was not your fault, our methods, our society ... changes need to be made..." T'Ayrian had no idea what words to use to comfort her sister, but in that instant she knew that she would push for a bonding and a marriage with Spock before he left Vulcan. She and Spock would know intimacy before the fever. She would not suffer her sister's fate.

Her hand still on the door handle, T'Vanda hesitated, bowed her head as the silence grew heavy as the younger sister waited. "I remember your look also, and your questions ..."

"Which were never answered?"

"You were considered too young."

"Not too young to be very frightened and to draw very wrong conclusions."

There was stillness in the room for a long moment. Then T'Vanda finally spoke, obviously choosing to let go of her younger sister's breach of manners. "It is obvious that you have given much consideration to this matter and it is your right to choose. I have no wish for animosity between us."

"You will forgive my words, then?" When no immediate answer was forthcoming, she continued. "T'Vanda. I know your concern for me is genuine, but I will tell you this. In the end it is I alone who will have to live with my decision and I alone who will have to submit to his needs and serve him during cycle. When I consider all of these elements, there is only one choice for me."

The elder sister turned to study the younger for several seconds. "That being the case, the all my wishes for a fulfilled life are with you." T'Vanda held out an upturned hand of peace to her sister and T'Ayrian accepted it.

* * *

Spoke awoke with the sun already above the horizon and let his father sleep on. The events of the previous night had kept them both awake until almost dawn and Spock wanted his father rested. Only when he had their meal prepared did Spock wake his father. "We need to be moving before the heat of the day."

As they packed their gear, Sarek stopped to look up at his son. "Spock, I am most pleased with our excursion. It has turned out as I hoped it would."

"For me also, Father." Both loaded up their packs and began walking toward home.

As they approached the last rise in the terrain, revealing the house in the distance, Spock admitted to himself that he did not want this trip to end. But since it must, he promised himself that he would make more time for his parents now that there was harmony between them.

They entered the garden to find a somewhat flushed Amanda. "Where have you two been?" she stammered. "You were due home early this morning, and I was worried ..."

Sarek's concern showed in his tone. "Is there some problem, Amanda?"

"Problem? No, I don't think we should call this a problem."

Both men stared at her.

"Sigear called last evening and he and I set an appointment for today. We are to be at their home in just over an hour. Hurry and get ready, both of you."

Spock was puzzled as his mother was all but pushing him up the walk. "Why," he asked, "should they want to see us?"

Sarek looked from his son to his wife and said, "He acquired that from your side of the family."

Amanda smiled. "Spock, there is only one reason they would ask to see us."

Sarek grew serious. "Spock, if you do not wish this, now is the time to speak."

Spock's emotions were tumbling from confusion at this request for a meeting to the awe of having his father ask his opinion. And Sarek continued, "We chose for you last time, with poor results. This time the decision must be yours alone. Do you wish this?"

He was at a loss for an answer. Do I wish it? He had not thought much about it; he had not thought there was any chance for a bonding and had only come to please his father. Now it seemed that for some reason T'Ayrian's family, or T'Ayrian herself had chosen him. The thought hit home: She knows -- everything, and it does not matter. To his so recently wounded ego, that went far in her favor. He pushed aside the nagging thought that wondered why? Why had she chosen him?

He would eventually need a mate. With customs as they were on Vulcan, and marriage based on psychological based compatibility -- the real test being the Pon Farr -- did he have the right to refuse? Good matches were difficult to secure. He did find her attractive and enjoyed her company. In fact, when he recalled it, he had found her surprisingly easy to talk too even under the difficult circumstances of their meeting and a sense of comfort in her presence. What were the chances of having that happen again. "Father, I wish it."

"Very well. Let us try not to be late."

* * *

They arrived in time and were ushered into the gathering room to find T'Ayrian, Sigear and T'Selma waiting. All performed the standard greetings and introductions and after several seconds of strained silence Sigear cleared his throat and spoke.

"Spock, we understand that by your presence here you find a bonding between yourself and T'Ayrian suitable."

On the way to this meeting Spock had been thinking of a proper response to this question he knew would be asked. As a child at his first bonding Sarek had done all the talking, but he knew that he and T'Ayrian would be expected to take a major part in this accord. To just agree that T'Ayrian was suitable struck Spock as insufficient, it was almost an insult. He would not want that said of him. He searched for words that might convey the honor and importance this occasion merited. "A bonding is more than suitable, it is desired," he finally said and saw by her eyes that his words had pleased her. In fact, the tension in the whole room seems to dissipate.

"Very well then," Sigear said, "now to the arrangements. Our daughter," Sigear glanced at his wife as if for support, "has a somewhat unusual request. It is our understanding that Spock will be rejoining his ship in twelve days time. Is that correct?"

Spock only nodded, feeling the tension building again as he wondered what this request would be.

"T'Ayrian wished for a bonding and a marriage to take place before Spock leaves Vulcan."

Indrawn breaths followed by silence. It was Amanda who recovered her voice first. "May we ask why?"

There was more silence as T'Ayrian searched her father's eyes. When he nodded she rose from her chair. "Children are bonded so they may become acquainted and will have certain knowledge of each other when -- it is required. Not only have Spock and I not had that time, but I also believe that such knowledge alone is not adequate to build a solid marriage. Spock and I, even bonded, are strangers. As husband and wife, we would be allowed more intimacies and more freedom to be together and to know each other. I believe this to be much better preparation for -- the time." She took a deep breath before continuing. "If I may be so bold as to say so, I do not wish to experience Pon Farr with a stranger." With that she lowered her eyes and sat down.

A very uncomfortable silence filled the room; this was not an acceptable topic of conversation even during preliminary bonding discussions. The diplomat was first to speak, obviously trying to ease the tension. "This is new -- radical thinking, but there is much to be said for it. Many a marriage with such an unfortunate beginning has taken years to recover." He turned to his son. "Spock, do you have any objections to a bonding and a marriage?"

He could think of none, if fact, he could not think at all. Never had anything caught him so unprepared. Later he would not be able to recall if he had agreed verbally or simply by shaking his head, but he would remember his first reaction. It they were married now there could be no challenge later. But overriding that was the nagging thought that kept running through his head. What will this gain her? It wasn't that this arrangement was unheard of. Among the less wealthy there were oftentimes problems; financial, housing, childcare, occupational, that made if feasible for a couple to marry before the next Pon Farr. But none of those reasons applied here.

With the matter settled, planning began in earnest. T'Ayrian stated that she preferred a traditional ceremony for such an occasion. Spock was amused; she wanted to combine an unorthodox act with an ancient and time-honored ceremony.

"Spock has no formal clothes for such a ceremony," Amanda exclaimed. "We must engage a tailor to prepare something ..."

Again T'Ayrian would have her say. "The first time I saw the commander, he was wearing his Starfleet dress uniform. I found the sight most impressive. If there are no rules against it, could he wear it?"

It was decided and as the planning continued Spock noted that she had very definite ideas about this wedding. The usual place for a bonding and marriage outside of Pon Farr was still the male's family lands. As the talk turned to this subject, T'Ayrian interrupted, "I am given to believe that the garden adjoining Spock's home is quite attractive and peaceful. If you think it proper, I should like for Spock and I to be married there."

There being no objections to this, it was decided and Spock felt only relief at not having to face that desert place again. They were now discussing the ceremony itself and Spock did not feel he would be so fortunate on this matter. Since T'Pau was a colleague of Sarek's, Spock assumed she would be asked to officiate. He had no desire to face her either. Suddenly he realized that the individual being discussed was not T'Pau, but someone named T'Mal, who was related to T'Selma. Spock was becoming afraid to trust his good fortune.

With their parents again absorbed in conversation, T'Ayrian asked Spock if he would help her prepare refreshments. He followed her into the kitchen. "You seem unusually quiet this evening, Spock. Do you find the plans unacceptable?"

"I have no objections," he said and as he continued to study her he saw the smile in her eyes fade.

"Is that all, no objections? That will not do, Spock. This is to be our wedding. You must be ..."

Seeing his mistake reflected in her eyes, he interrupted, "You are correct and have my apology. That was an unfortunate choice of words. I am pleased with what is being decided. I know my mother is delighted with the prospects of hosting the ceremony. T'Ayrian, I thank you for suggesting it."

The light sparkled in her eyes again. "Spock, that is the first time you have spoken my name. It is a most pleasant sound."

Realizing she was right he admonished himself for being so remiss. "T'Ayrian is a lovely name and I believe you shall hear me speak it often."

"Spock, I do have another request on a more sensitive matter." Her eyes gave evidence of this as she gazed into his. "Since the Enterprise will be here at the time of our wedding, would you see fit to ask Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy to attend the ceremony?"

He stared at her in disbelief. She knew the facts. That was her right, but to do this ...

"Spock, if I cause offense, I ask forgiveness. But it troubles me that your colleagues should have seen such a negative side of our culture. They must know that we are more then that. I would wish that they might have an opportunity to observe how civilized Vulcans behave. Will you consider it?" Not waiting for an answer she picked up the tray and left the room.

Spock had no wish to rejoin the group, but felt he had no choice. Later, he told himself, he would have time to consider her words.

When it grew late, it was agreed to continue making arrangements the next evening at Sarek and Amanda's home, where T'Ayrian and her parents could see the garden and continue the planning.

* * *

The days were a whirlwind of activity and preparations and left no time for Spock and T'Ayrian to be alone. Between her work and wedding plans, her time was fully occupied. Spock chose to spend his days with Sarek at the Academy. He had been pleased at the invitation to visit the new research project, and when Sarek asked his advice and then his help, he had been flattered and threw himself into the project.

The only time the young couple spent together was in the evenings; making wedding plans. There was little time for private conversation, but Spock was not sure he could have found anything of a personal nature to discuss anyway. The same doubts about this whole matter and her true motives were still swirling in the back of his mind.

On these evenings when they were all together he faded into the background and observed. He was aware of the activities, carefully studying both sets of parents. But, mostly he watched T'Ayrian. She was so open and unguarded. As if, he thought, the world was hers. And why shouldn't it be so? The world has been kind to her. He contrasted his childhood experiences with what he knew of hers. Being full Vulcan, she would not have had to prove herself as he had: she would have had acceptance. Both did have one tragedy in their lives, but how different these two events were. One had been an accidental death, leaving T'Ayrian alone, grieving, yet untouched; the other was conspiracy, betrayal, leaving him cast out, branded. She was unscarred mentally and physically. How will she feel when that is no longer so? he wondered. She says she accepts what is, but that is the voice of inexperience.

When the ceremony was but a few days away, Spock kept an appointment with T'Mal. It was another of the formalities for the bonding of adults. Its purpose was to insure, as much as possible that the two individuals were freely joining for the purpose of serving tradition, each other, and eventually, children. For the bonding between the couple to unify during the Pon Farr, both parties had to be positive in their attitude and commitment.

T'Mal broke mind contact and stepped back from him, staring for a long minute before speaking. "Spock, I must insist on another meeting. As your state of mind is now, I cannot in good conscience conduct this marriage."

Spock was stunned by her reaction and attempted to defend himself, but her tone stopped him. "Do not speak now. Spock, I know thy history and can understand the reasons for the conflict within thee. You wish to believe, but feel only betrayal. Under the circumstances it could hardly be otherwise. But to enter a union with these feelings still unsettled would be disastrous for both you and T'Ayrian. I sense your overwhelming mistrust in this situation. In that area I can offer reassurance. Upon learning both your personal histories, I tested T'Ayrian severely as to her intent. I meant to ascertain if some misguided sense of duty or sympathy might have motivated her. I can assure you that that is not the case. She is committed to this union and I can accept no less from you. Think on these matters, Spock, and decide if this bonding is as right for you as T'Ayrian believes it is for her."

Having no other choice, Spock took T'Mal's advice. He left her and walked, not toward home, but away from it. Somehow, he had to sort this out. It had been a relief to hear that T'Mal was more then satisfied with T'Ayrian's motives. She should know; she deals with these matters as part of her life's work. He needed to know that there was no pity in T'Aryian's heart. He could not have lived with that.

Spock knew that commitment to the union was critical if the bonding and marriage were to be successful. Vulcans were fiercely individualistic, more so then most other races. One reason for the bonding of children was to instill in the individual a sense of the other, of togetherness that would, hopefully, develop after the marriage. Having his doubts laid bear and thrown back at him had confounded Spock, but he could not dispute T'Mal's words. He prided himself on his honesty and integrity and to enter into a relationship under these conditions was not moral; neither was it fair to T'Ayrian. She deserved more, much more.

It was not too late. He could stop the arrangements -- the realization hit, he did not want them stopped. What he wanted was some concrete assurance that he could trust T'Ayrian; that she was all she seemed to be. And what more, he asked himself, would you have her do to prove herself? He had no answer for that question.

T'Mal is correct. I do want to believe. I want a wife, a Vulcan wife and someday children. I cannot hope to find a better choice then T'Ayrian. But to risk ... that was the key, he realized. Risk. Life offers no guarantees and he had always been willing to take whatever risk was required to achieve his goal.

At his second meeting with T'Mal, Spock fared much better.

* * *

Nineteen days after Spock had begun his leave, his communicator beeped and he knew the Enterprise had established orbit around Vulcan. Within a few seconds, he was speaking with the captain.

"Well, Mr. Spock, did you have a pleasant shore leave?" Overlaying the Captain's voice, Spock could hear the familiar sounds of the bridge crew at work. Soon he would be back there and that pleased him, but he also realized that these past days his mind had been on T'Ayrian, and not the Enterprise.

"Yes, Captain, very much so." He paused, "Jim, I should like to request permission to conduct a class three tour of the ship for an ... acquaintance of mine."

"Ah, sure, Spock, no problem," Jim said, granting permission.

Spock knew that Jim had been caught off guard. Crewmembers were always asking permission to show off the big E, but he had never made such a request before.

"I trust this was not too inconvenient for you?" Spock asked T'Ayrian as she came into the garden. "I realize that I did not give you sufficient planning time, but ..."

"No, Spock. I was most pleased with your invitation." She stood next to him. "What am I to do?"

"Have you ever been through a transporter before?"

"No," she confirmed. "I do hope it will not affect me adversely."

"Remain still after materializing. Make sure your head and stomach are settled before moving; that is the key to an uneventful trip." Spock only wished he could make Dr. McCoy understand that. "Take a deep breath before attempting to move. I will be at your side." His last remark earned him that sparkle in her eyes that he had come to identify with pleasing her.

"I shall do as you say. I should not want to miss this chance to see the Enterprise."

Spock watched her as he waited for the technician to complete the procedures. Wearing dark green trousers and jacket that made her eyes appear even more intense, she styled her long hair back from her face, but let if fall full length past her shoulders the way he liked it. He had argued with himself about this tour, knowing that aboard the Enterprise all eyes would be on them. He had weighed that against the pleasure it would bring her and her pleasure had won out.

Following his instructions T'Ayrian stood very still when the transport was completed and took a deep breath. She looked at the hand he held out to her and then up at him. The significance of their first touch was not lost on either of them as she placed her hand in his and they stepped off the platform. Spock's only wish was that he had had the foresight to choose a more auspicious occasion for the event.

They began their tour in engineering and it was Spock's plan to provide a cursory overview of as many of the ship's department as time would allow. As it turned out, they never got out of engineering. Mr. Scott, never one to miss an opportunity to showcase his arena, took over the tour and when T'Ayrian began asking more and more detailed questions, Spock could only follow along as the two engineers did their thing. To inform T'Ayrian that he could answer all her questions never occurred to Spock, he just took the opportunity to observe her as she interacted with Mr. Scott and other crewmembers. When it became obvious that she could spend a week here and still not have all her questions answered, Spock did interrupt. "T'Ayrian, Mr. Scott, we do have another appointment..."

"Aye, certainly, Mr. Spock. I apologize for monopolizing the lady, but she does know her stuff."

As they took their leave T'Ayrian said, "Peace be with you, Mr. Scott," and she flashed him the Vulcan salute.

"And with you also, Lassie." The chief engineer smiled widely as he returned the gesture.

"Spock, you have my apology, I have spoiled your tour. But, it was so fascinating. I have never ..."

"Bridge," Spock said as he guided her into the turbolift. "No, T'Ayrian, you have spoiled nothing. It is just that I wanted you to see command center while the captain is there."

"Oh, yes, I should like very much to meet him." She finished as the turbolift door opened and all eyes turned in their direction. Spock escorted her to each of the positions and introduced her to the crewperson on duty and then gave them the opportunity to explain the job. This time T'Ayrian was careful to not ask too many questions. Their last stop was, of course, in front of Captain Kirk.

When the introduction was complete Kirk said, "Well, Spock, since it is almost lunchtime, would you and the lady be my guests?"

Spock glanced at T'Ayrian and when she nodded, he accepted for them both. As they entered the turbolift he asked, "Jim, do you think it would be possible for the doctor to join us?"

"I think he would like that very much, Spock," Kirk said calling sickbay.

The foursome began a pleasant lunch, keeping the conversation very general, and Spock knew that nothing of a personal nature would be mentioned, but he sensed their curiosity. He must find a way to tell them that tomorrow this woman would become his bondmate and wife. During the meal they found enough to discuss and soon T'Ayrian was firing questions at Jim and the doctor. It seems, Spock thought, that there was nothing that did not hold a fascination for her.

Catching Spock's eye, they shared a moment. "I am doing it again," she apologized. "Asking too many questions. It is just that this is all so interesting ..."

"Now, you make no never mind," McCoy said, "and don't let the bully of a Vulcan here intimidate you. You can ask all the questions you want."

When Spock and T'Ayrian shared another look, McCoy said, "Jim, is it just me, or do you get the feeling that something is going on here?"

"I have to agree with you, Bones. Our usually reticent Vulcans seem to have a secret they are not keeping very well."

"It seems, T'Ayrian, that we have been found out. You are correct; we do have some news to share. We are to be married tomorrow."

Both men sputtered their surprise and congratulations and Jim called for a bottle of champagne to celebrate. When the glasses were poured Kirk stood to toast the couple. "To Spock and T'Ayrian, we wish you all the happiness the universe has to offer." The three reached out to touch glasses and with a nod from Spock, T'Ayrian did the same and four glasses clinked in unison.

Being familiar with human personalities in general, and these two men in particular, Spock knew that the best way to handle this next request was to play it light, but before he could speak, T'Ayrian asked if she might be excused. The room marked "females" was her destination and Spock knew her retreat was to give him time alone with Jim and the doctor and he had to silently compliment her astuteness. When the other two retook their seats Spock remained standing. "Jim, Doctor, T'Ayrian and I would be honored if you would see fit to join us tomorrow. Jim, I believe you will find this time less strenuous and, Doctor, I do not believe you will have need of your medical kit."

Both men smiled saying nothing would keep them away.

* * *

The day of the wedding was hectic, before the sun was even up Spock woke to Sarek's hand touching his shoulder. "Come," he said, "it seems your mother has plans for us."

And she did. The morning was spent setting up for the ceremony. Amanda seemed to be everywhere at once as she supervised the caterers, saw to the decorations and that the garden met with her approval. After several tries at other jobs, Sarek and Spock were relegated to setting up the extra chairs. On one of her many trips through the gathering room Amanda stopped, her arms loaded with fresh cut greens, and proceeded to tell father and son that they had done it wrong. The placement of the rows of chairs, they were informed, should be staggered so as not to block anyone's view. Father and Son looked at the chairs and then at one another and began rearranging the chairs.

One hour before noon parents and son were dressed and began receiving guests. Spock felt he must have answered the same few questions at least two dozen times. He was more than pleased to see Jim and Bones and used them to escape more incoming guests.

He caught sight of T'Ayrian as she stepped from the aircar, her father assisting her. She was a vision in blue; the exact blue of his dress uniform and that brought warmth to his heart. He had only seen her wear shades of green, rusts and brown, colors that did so much for her eyes. There was no doubt that she had chosen that color for her dress as a compliment to him. He has asked himself after his first meeting with T'Mal what more T'Ayrian could do to prove herself. Now he had an answer.

Moving towards her, she looked up to catch his eyes, and he knew she was pleased by his presence. Offering his arm, she accepted it as she surveyed the garden. "Oh, Spock, it is so beautiful, and the perfect setting for a wedding. We must find your parents so I may express my gratitude." She glanced over her shoulder at her parents. "Will you join us, please?" Then her eyes were on Spock, allowing him to escort her.

Soon it was time. T'Mal took her place and the room grew quiet except for the bells that were freed to resonate with the breeze. Spock and T'Ayrian took their positions. The bonding ceremony was the same for children and adults, except that when children were involved, the parents took a position behind their child giving mental and moral support. Now he stood alone as did T'Ayrian, a sign that they were consenting adults and were making this commitment of their own free will.

T'Mal motioned for the two to approach her. As they knelt in front of her, she placed her hand on Spock's temple. He sensed her enter his mind and waited as she repeated the process with T'Ayrian. Their minds were now joined to hers. With a sureness of years of training, T'Mal began to focus their minds onto each other and away from hers. Both felt the joining, but the sense of being bombarded with the whole of another's consciousness tended to blur individual thoughts. The result was a mixture of vague perceptions with neither party having the inclination to go deeper. T'Mal was trained to keep her own mind exiled from this meld; she was simply the conduit. The ritual words were spoken, the ideas planted to grow and be called to the surface when the time was upon them. The meld meeting with her satisfaction, T'Mal withdrew from it and the bonding was complete.

Societies tailor their ceremonies to their own particular needs. For that reason, the Vulcan marriage ceremony was among the shortest and simplest in the known galaxy. The bonding, and all it implied, was conducted when minds were in control. Since it preceded the wedding, either by many years or, as in this case, by just a few minutes, the final ceremony did not need to be long or complicated.

Another set of larger bells were loosed and their deep tone created a solemn mood. Spock approached the gong, a smaller version of the one that stood in the family's desert holdings. He took the mallet from its hanging place and raised it, signifying his intent. At this point the female could stop him, if that was her desire. As he raised the mallet, the fear that T'Ayrian might do so fleetingly crossed his mind.

The low tone of the gong reverberated through the garden. It was done. Spock and T'Ayrian faced each other. He stretched out his hand to her, and as she started toward him, he moved to meet her halfway. It was a subtle gesture, and to all but the humans present it had much significance: this was to be a mating of two equals. Again they approached T'Mal and knelt before her. Taking right hands she placed T'Ayrian's on top of Spock's and recited the words that would seal the commitment these two had agreed to make. "Parted yet never parted; never and always, touching and touched." Few words had never carried so much meaning. As T'Mal stepped back, Spock and T'Ayrian rose and fingers entwined now, they turned to receive the blessing and good wishes of family and friends.

Since this ceremony took place at a time outside the urgency and privacy of Pon Farr, the two families were free to celebrate the joining. Water and food was shared as a gesture of the acceptance of this couples commitment to each other. The gesture was a remnant of ancient times when the marriage of two members of warring clans was used to bring an end to the hostilities.

* * *

It was time for the Enterprise to leave orbit. Spock gave Jim and McCoy his gear and when they departed, he began his farewells. Always before it had been just his parents, but now he had a wife and her whole family, and the leave taking would take longer. He started with T'Ayrian's sister -- no, he must remember that she was his marriage sister now -- and her family. T'Vanda's husband and son were gracious and wished him well, the boy reminding Spock that he had promised him a tour of the Enterprise on the first possible occasion. He approached T'Vanda, and she too wished him well. "Spock, I am most pleased to call you brother. Take care, and come back to us." He nodded, and succeeded in not showing his discomfort.

Spock inwardly braced himself to deal with her parents. They echoed the same message of care and concern, but he doubted the sincerity of their words, instead suspecting that the concern was for their daughter, not for his safe return. He was about to escape when Sigear took him aside.

"Spock, I understand there is a human custom of gift-giving on such occasions. I should like to honor that custom in your mother's name by presenting you with this card. It will allow you passage on any ship in our family's fleet, or any contracted to us. I hope you may find it helpful at some time."

Spock had no idea what to make of this gesture, but he thanked Sigear for the gift.

He was most relaxed saying goodbye to his parents. At least, with them he knew what to expect. "Take care, son, and return soon. Also, if you would put your thoughts on our last discussion on the project in writing, it would be appreciated."

"Of course, Father, at the first opportunity."

Feeling what he later decided was light headed from the events of the day, Spock embraced his mother, he knew it would convey what he felt for her more accurately then mere words.

As was proper, he waited to speak with T'Ayrian until last, taking her into Sarek's study so they might be alone.

"Spock, I wish there was more time ..."

"T'Ayrian, you knew ..."

"Yes, I did, but now that the time is at hand ... it is difficult to have you leave." She held out two fingers and as they touched, she said, "I await your return, husband."

* * *

Life on the Enterprise fell back into the familiar routine that Spock found comfortable, with only one difference: now he had four times the correspondence. His mother messaged more often, he and Sarek were conferring on that research project, T'Ayrian's messages came with regularity and there were occasional messages from her parents, sister and nephew. At one point he considered sending duplicate correspondence.

Away from Vulcan and from T'Ayrian, the doubts that had left him those last few days before the ceremony began to resurface. Spock had believed his misgivings to be behind him, but he found them again seeping into his thoughts. Rather then helping, her correspondence only added to his uneasiness. She is trying too hard, he decided.

Her letters stated that she wished him there, that being married and having him so far away was proving to be more difficult then she had anticipated. Why did she choose me then, why not choose a mate who lived on Vulcan? She also said that without him, there was a large void in her life. He wanted to believe her, but suspected there was more to things then she was saying. What are her true motives? These thoughts continually chewed at him as mild depression set in.

His question was answered in the form of a postscript to another letter, innocently phrased: I have taken separate lodging. Spock was amazed at his own stupidity for not having figured it out for himself. She wanted autonomy. As a married woman, she was no longer under her father's authority, and with an absentee husband she was for all practical purposes a free agent. It became obvious to him why she had chosen a Starfleet officer for a husband. It was certainly a high-risk occupation; perhaps she even held some secret hope that he might be killed, preferably before the next Pon Farr. That would leave her a widow with more then adequate finances. Then she would owe allegiance to no one, unless she so chose. He had been so taken in by her, believing what he wished to believe, not to have seen this sooner.

Ensuing letters were filled with T'Ayrian's moving and decorating plans. She described the apartment in great detail and asked his opinions on several matters. It was her wish that he should be pleased with the dwelling. Spock believed none of this, but knowing he had little recourse, he waited to see just how T'Ayrian would use this new freedom.

Letters continued to arrive. From her parents; T'Ayrian spent the weekend with us; from his parents; T'Ayrian had us over and we were very impressed with the new apartment. She is making many of the furnishings herself. From her sister, T'Ayrian will be visiting us on holiday. Except for the decorating, Spock could not see where she was doing anything that she couldn't have done in her parents' home. But, he asked himself, what are they not telling me? He could not puzzle it out. The correspondence continued but the content did not change, and Spock became more and more apprehensive. The phrase once heard and not understood came back to haunt him: "Like waiting for the other shoe to drop."

* * *

T'Ayrian entered the apartment, closed the door behind her and leaned against it. As she did so, she realized she had done the exact same thing for the past three nights running. Meditate, an inner voice told her, determine the underlying cause of your frustration and find a solution. That same inner voice has given the same suggestion on the two previous nights and T'Ayrian had followed that advice, but to no avail. She had no desire to repeat the meditation; instead she processed a light meal, and then settled down to eat. Clean up complete, she was restless, she knew it, but not how to remedy the situation. Walking the length and width of the apartment, she thought about the hours spent in decorating. That was complete and had been for several weeks now. All the time spent in making this place a pleasing home; all for naught. The main goal of creating this space was not yet realized and T'Ayrian despaired that it ever would be. Her husband and bondmate had not yet visited. She sank heavily into a chair. Meditate, a voice inside her whispered again, but she made no attempt to do so. She was deadly tired of meditation and it no longer served its purpose. T'Ayrian was forced to admit her plans and desires for this marriage were not materializing. Where, she wondered, had she gone wrong? Meditation wasn't helping; neither was sitting around alone in this apartment evening after evening. There was no thought of discussing this with her parents. They had been against the union from the beginning. Admitting her concerns to them would only reinforce their negative attitude toward Spock. No, she could not discuss this with them -- or T'Vanda. Her sister had her own set of problems and T'Ayrian had no wish to add her burdens to them. There was only one person she felt comfortable enough to discuss this with; Amanda. Spock's mother had become a treasured confidant to the young bride. Her mind made up, T'Ayrian went to the computer and sent Amanda a message. Then ignoring the food servitor, she steeped herself a cup of tea. As she sipped the hot drink the computer beeped. "Can you come to dinner tomorrow evening?" the message read and the reply was, yes.

The dinner was pleasant as T'Ayrian expected, with light impersonal talk. When finished, Sarek retreated to his study under the pretext of important work; Amanda suggested they adjourn to a more comfortable place, her sitting room.

Here the young woman felt unconstrained. She was comfortable enough to speak what was on her mind. Not sure how to begin, T'Ayrian reported on the completion of the apartment decorating and answered Amanda's questions about her family's health and matter at work. Finally, she just said what was on her mind. "I had hoped he would visit," she admitted. "It is the reason I took separate lodging. Amanda, where have I erred?"

"You have done nothing wrong -- you must believe that." The mother-in-law sighed heavily as being forced to admit where the problem lay. "The error is Spock's."

"He writes of Star Fleet, seems most dedicated to his duties ..."

"Yes, that is so, but he has other duties now; his bondmate's needs should be primary ... Perhaps I could message him ..."

"Oh, no, please ..."

"Agreed." Amanda raised her hand. "Not a brilliant suggestion, I withdraw it and meant no offense."

"None taken, Amanda. As much as I might wish it, Spock and I must work this out ourselves."

T'Ayrian watched her human mother-in-law, the softening of her features, widening of her eyes, curving mouth -- a smile it was called and T'Ayrian was grateful to see it. "Sarek warned me not to meddle. I should have listened ..."

At that instant there was a light knock on the door, and Sarek entered. He carried a palm reader which he handed to T'Ayrian. "Perhaps you will find some insights to my son's behavior and his relationship with Star Fleet and those he serves with aboard the Enterprise."

T'Ayrian accepted the reader and studied it. It was the autobiography of T'Pol, the first Vulcan to serve with a Human Star Fleet crew. She looked questioningly at the Ambassador.

"T'Pol writes with much understanding of Human friendships and the feelings she came to share with her captain and others in the crew. I found her perceptions most interesting, perhaps you will also." With those words he left them while T'Ayrian and Amanda could only stare at one another.

"Have you read this?" T'Ayrian asked when she could find her voice. "It appears well used; the keypad is quite worn ..."

"No," Amanda admitted. "I did not know of its existence." She looked at the door her husband had just exited and when she turned back T'Ayrian saw something she had never encountered before -- tears.

"I will most certainly read it. Will you thank Sarek for me?" When Amanda could only nod her response T'Ayrian knew it was time to leave.

T'Ayrian did not sleep at all that night -- she read, and then re-read the autobiography. Then for the next several weeks she began to spend all her free time learning about Star Fleet.

* * *

When the other shoe did drop, it was not anything Spock's wildest imaginings would ever have expected. T'Ayrian, it seemed, had applied to and been accepted by Starfleet. Along with a copy of the application and acceptance, there was a letter. "Spock, I beg pardon for not discussing this matter with you beforehand. I had thought my chances of being accepted, and of being allowed to serve with you, not very high. Hydro-engineers, while necessary, are not top priority positions on a starship. Upon reflection, I fear I have mishandled the whole matter, but of late your correspondence has been sparse and the contents most impersonal. It was my thought that this long-distance marriage was not working very well. But if you feel that my presence on your ship would not be in the best interest of your career, you have only to state that. I shall understand."

She had joined Starfleet! They had never discussed this! Dumbfounded, Spock sat and re-read the printout several times. When he finally decided that he had figured out the rationale behind it, he had to compliment this wife of his. She had him boxed into a very neat corner indeed. So, this was how she planned to end their marriage. She had pulled everyone, family and friends, to her side, and was now ready for one grand final gesture. She would give up her homeland to follow him into space. If he rejected the idea, she would be justified in asking for a divorce, blaming him. If he allowed this move, she no doubt already had a speech rehearsed as to how she found it impossible to work among humans. Either way, he again became the villain. He read the letter again, very carefully, studying every nuance, and could find no fault with her. She had laid her plans well, although he still could put no motive to her except freedom. Starfleet would get her off Vulcan; then when she left the fleet, she could do as she pleased. Spock's depression deepened. He should not have agreed to this marriage. Trust must be built and allowed to grow as two individuals come to know and care for each other. He was married to a stranger he could not trust and she was almost half a galaxy away.

T'Ayrian's letter lay on Spock's desk for almost a week. Spock stared at it daily, feeling as though he had been drawn into a chess game and was losing, being outflanked at every turn. Always on the defensive, he could only counter her moves and do nothing decisive himself. He saw no way out of the trap she had laid so carefully. Not knowing what else to do, Spock sought the advice of the two people he called friend.

"Well," McCoy asked surprised when Spock slid his dinner tray onto the table and sat down, "to what do we owe the honor?"

"Yes," Jim chimed in, "it's been weeks since we seen anything of you off duty. All work and no play... I believe that's how the saying goes."

Spock said nothing as he settled himself at the table.

"For whatever reason, Spock, I'm glad to see you," Jim stated as he aimed a warning look at McCoy. Dinner proceeded and, as Spock knew he would, McCoy suggested a little after dinner refreshment in the privacy of his cabin. Always long on patience, Spock waited until the drinks had been passed and all were comfortable.

"If I might," he began, "I should like to ask your advice." Spock paused and waited for the two to catch their breath before he continued. "It seems that T'Ayrian has applied to and been accepted by Starfleet. She is now asking my permission to accept the appointment."

McCoy's opinion was immediate. "Well, I for one think it's a great idea. Separated marriages can be hell, I can vouch for that," he dropped his eyes for a second, and then continued. "Husband and wife belong together."

"I agree," Jim added. "Spock, I'm not sure what you're asking, but you know we have many couples serving together."

"You see no problem then?"

Jim's tone turned serious. "No, Spock, I don't. In fact, in light of your recent moods, I believe it might be for the best."

Spock understood Jim's meaning, and since he could think of no rebuttal, was grateful when McCoy caught Jim's warning look and changed the subject.

Finally realizing that he had no concrete reason to disapprove of her joining Starfleet if that was what she wanted, Spock set to the task of answering T'Ayrian. His return letter was formal, but accepting of her choice. He did, however, feel compelled to counsel her on the commitment she was making and remind her that she would be required to swear her allegiance to the Federation and Starfleet. See how she deals with that, he thought. He would not make her way out of this easy by doing the expected thing. That done, Spock threw himself deeper into his duties and gave very little thought to his personal life; except when T'Ayrian's letters arrived and forced it all to the surface again.

And her letters did continued to arrive, it seemed to Spock that their contents became more and more bizarre. "I am finding the training a challenge," she wrote, "mostly because of the cultural differences. Before coming to the Academy, I had only dealt with humans on a social level. Now I am living with humans, being taught by them, and preparing to enter a career in an organization that is human-dominated." Then T'Ayrian would ask Spock's advice on several matters.

To say that T'Ayrian had a knack for catching Spock off guard was an understatement. She did it again when she wrote of yet another problem. It seemed that except for a few language misunderstandings, she was having very little trouble getting along with humans. "But," she explained, "the engineering department is predominantly male and because of the intensity of the training, the group is spending much time together." All were very friendly to her -- Spock could just bet they were -- and she did try to return these gestures of friendship as best she could, but the continual closeness did become a strain. Her problem, it seemed concerned individual males: at one point they were just a part of the group, and then suddenly one would approach her singly and ask if he might see her alone. It was at these times that she was forced to admit that she had no wish for such an arrangement. It was, she stated in conclusion, most awkward. She had learned of the human custom of "wedding rings" and thought that for humans it showed very good reasoning. With so many of the people free and searching for mates, it seemed a logical idea because it made a very important statement without the need for words, which in and of itself was very unusual for humans. After fighting his way through all that rhetoric, Spock finally got to the crux of the problem. Did he think it possible for her to have such a ring?

Spock sat at his desk staring at the printed message and wished she had taped it. He thought that perhaps hearing her voice would give him a clue as to what this was really all about. When taken at face value, this request made all of his assumptions about her seems incorrect. If she wanted her freedom, she certainly had the chance, yet she did not seem to want to take advantage of it. Or did she think wearing a wedding ring would cover her deceitful actions? Try as he might, Spock could not understand how she planned to use this situation to her advantage. Why, he wondered, should she want a wedding ring if she did not plan to stay married? Her actions made no sense.... Unless she did plan to stay married. Was it possible that he was mistaken about her? This situation could no longer be tolerated. Spock knew he had to do something; he just did not have any idea of what it might be. Perhaps he should again seek out Jim's counsel.

As Spock approached Jim's cabin, he found the door open, and at the sound of voices, he stopped, not sure whether to interrupt. Once he heard the words he could not turn away.

"The man should be with his wife." It was McCoy's voice loud and clear.

"I know that," Jim said. "You know that. But, obviously, Spock doesn't know it."

"Can't you see what's happening to him? Everyone else on this ship can."

"Yes, I see it, Bones." Jim's tone was resigned. "And it's getting worse."

"Give him leave, Jim. If they were together..."

"He hasn't asked for it. Bones, I can't order one of my officers to take leave."

"Well, I can. If I have to make this medical, I will."

"Bones, I'm warning you. Leave this alone. These are not humans; it's a different culture. Didn't you learn that the last time?"

"Jim, I know that, but this is a new beginning. I want them to have a chance." McCoy sounded desperate.

"So do I, but I think he's still bleeding from the last time. I think it's too soon for him."

"Well, if that's true, then it's not very fair to T'Ayrian, is it?"

Spock did not wait to hear more. He knew the Doctor was correct. Realizing he could no longer deal with the uncertainties, Spock knew that the time had come for action. He requested two days leave from his duties to fast and meditate. Then, his mind cleared, he spent the hours going back over his bonding and marriage, incident by incident. Looked at logically, there was nothing in T'Ayrian's behavior with which he could find fault. It was all in how he perceived it, and he realized that his perceptions were colored by his aborted marriage with T'Pring. Jim is correct, I am still bleeding and that is not fair to T'Ayrian. He must judge her actions on their own merit, not on his perceived mistrust.

He had consented to this marriage, as she had, and when looked at logically, T'Ayrian was living up to her commitment. He could do no less. That conclusion reached, Spock put away the questions and doubts and began with a new positive attitude toward his marriage. He knew his letters had been lacking; he would do better, but something more dramatic was called for. Spock wrote T'Ayrian that he was considering her request for a wedding ring. Then he wrote his mother, and within a few weeks a small package arrived.

Six weeks later the Enterprise was ordered to Earth. This was the opportunity Spock had been waiting for and he made plans to visit T'Ayrian at the Academy. Since this was a short stopover, they would only have the better part of one evening together, but Spock was determined to make good use of the time as he told himself that the old doubts were gone, but the very fact that this was a surprise visit made him realize that they were not. Otherwise he would have informed T'Ayrian of his visit.

The beam-down point put Spock on the outer rim of the Academy. He began walking and the closer he got to the residence halls, the more conspicuous he became. As he returned the many salutes from junior officers, he thought about what his marriage to one of that rank was going to mean for both of them. The young female behind the reception desk reacted with flustered surprise as she directed Spock to T'Ayrian's room. He took the stairs hoping they would be less traveled than the lift. As he approached the door, he noted it was open. Inside three females in Starfleet uniforms stood talking, and Spock felt himself drawn to one in particular and was shocked to realize that an actual bonding existed and was strong enough to pull him toward his mate even though they had spent so little time together.

The group went silent as he approached the room. Startled by his appearance, T'Ayrian spoke his name softly while the others came to attention. Seeing their actions, she too assumed the proper military stance.

"As you were. I am not here officially. I have personal business with Lt. T'Ayrian."

When the others had scurried out of the room and closed the door behind them, the two stood awkwardly for several seconds. Finally, T'Ayrian broke the silence. "The grapevine placed the Enterprise in orbit, but since I had no word from you.... I was not expecting to see you."

"I was remiss. I should have sent word." Spock almost finished the statement with, "my wife," but somehow the words would not voice themselves.

"No matter," she said, brightening. "You are here. Have we much time?"

"Until 23:00. I thought we might begin with dinner."

"Yes, of course. I shall require a few minutes to dress."

Spock nodded. "I will wait in the reception area."

When T'Ayrian joined him, Spock was pleased to see her in Vulcan dress. Less attention would be called to them than as a lieutenant with a commander.

Fastening the closures on her jacket she asked, "You have no cloak, will you not be cold?"

"No, after all this time I have adapted to the cooler temperature."

"I found it most uncomfortable at first. Then someone suggested a high-neck shirt that is allowed under the uniform and now I wear that and Lee brought me a pad that I allow to heat before getting in to bed. Then I sleep very well ..."

They continued to talk of inconsequential matters as they walked across the parkway to a restaurant. She seemed pleased to see him, Spock noted as they spoke of her studies and his work. Several people nodded and called to her, but Spock was confused by the name used. He was about to question this when a young man came running up to them.

"Teri, Teri," he called, "we're all going to the Purple Dragon, come join.... Ah, excuse me, sir." The young officer stopped short in front of Spock, came to attention and saluted.

Spock put the lieutenant at ease. He had not been saluted this much in a long time and found it very tiring.

"Commander Spock, this is Lt. Norakowski. He is also in the engineering department. We have several classes together."

Spock nodded and the young lieutenant blushed. "Sorry, sir. I didn't mean to intrude. If you'll excuse me."

Given permission to leave, the lieutenant beat a hasty retreat.

"You allow them to shorten your name?" he said when they were again alone.

"Yes, humans seem to have an affinity for doing that, and I do not see any harm in it. Since joining an organization that is peopled mostly by humans, I feel I will have to relax somewhat, and this seemed a good way. I saw no reason to make people uncomfortable by mentioning it. Does it bother you?"

"No, T'Ayrian, but do not expect me to follow suit. I happen to be quite fond of your name."

Her blushing face and lowered eyes silenced him. Spock knew he had never spoken so personally before and it surprised them both.

Once seated in the restaurant they again found their voices and the conversation was once more on impersonal matters. Spock also found himself with a sense of protectiveness and of wanting to please her. It was a new and curious sensation.

After the meal, the two retraced their steps, with one difference. The parkway was now dark, except for artificial lights on the walkways and sitting areas, and the people were mostly in pairs walking arm in arm, or embracing on park benches and blankets. Several couples were kissing. Spock sighted a recently vacated bench where the shrubbery would afford some privacy and guided T'Ayrian toward it. When they were seated she asked, "Young humans are most open in their affections. Is this also true of their elders?"

"No. As they mature they usually conduct this type of behavior in private. Of course, here at the Academy, there is little privacy to be had." Getting back to the purpose of his visit, Spock reached inside his tunic and took out a small package and handed it to T'Ayrian. Upon opening it, she allowed her pleasure to show, as was permitted between bonded couples.

"Spock, it is exquisite. I had not meant for you to be so extravagant."

"It was my thinking that it might be awkward for you to just appear one morning wearing a wedding ring. This was my grandmother's engagement ring and will serve the same purpose as a wedding ring. It will signify to people that you are betrothed and are to be married. Does it please you?"

"Very much so. Is it worn on the third finger of the left hand also?"

Spock took the ring and slipped it on her finger. She continued to admire it and as she moved her hand the gemstone sparkled under the lights. She stopped to look up at him when his words registered. "Your grandmother ... Amanda's mother, this was hers and I am to have it?"

"Yes, she left the ring to me, and it was her wish that it should go to ... my wife. It is one of a set. There was a matching wedding ring, but it never left her finger. I have commissioned a copy to be made. You shall have it when the time ... later."

"I am most flattered. Thank you." She continued to flash the ring under the lights and then looked into his eyes. "It is very beautiful and I am very proud to wear it."

The lump in Spock throat made speaking impossible at that instant. He stood and when she did they began walking. As they continued making their way across the parkway, they had to side step to avoid bumping into another embracing couple and there was another right on the steps of the residence hall. Upon entering the foyer, T'Ayrian led the way to one of the unoccupied sitting rooms. She walked over to a large window and looked out at the night sky.

Spock followed and stood behind her. "What is it that you find so interesting?"

"The moon. It is so remarkable. Spock, I do believe I envy Earth its moon."

"Some day I shall take you to Varon III. It has nine moons, and they make for a most spectacular display." How easy that was, he thought. He did want to show her Varon III. In fact, he realized, there were many things he would like to share with her.

"I should enjoy that," she said glancing up at him. Then they moved back into the room's shadows to avoid eavesdropping on the couple that had paused outside the window to embrace.

"Spock, this 'kissing', have you ever tried it?"

The question caught him off guard, but he answered with a truthful, "Yes."

Her eyes widened. "Since our marriage?"

"Certainly not!"

"Oh. Did you find it pleasurable?"

Spock was not sure that he did not like where this conversation was heading. "Yes," he confessed, but that ..."

"I should like to try it."

"T'Ayrian, you know why telepathic races do not engage in such activities."

"Yes, I understand that, but we are married, and I should like to experience it." She paused, then added, "But if you do not wish it..."

Spock took her in his arms and pulled her gently to him. There were several awkward seconds when her nose seemed to be in the way and she did not know which way to turn head. Finally, taking her chin in his hand, he tipped her head up to his. Their lips touched lightly for several seconds.

"Surely there is more?"

He tightened his embrace and kissed her harder, allowing his mouth to open slightly. His body could feel her response even as his mind sensed it. These sensations were new to her, but she found them pleasing. She let herself be drawn closer, slipping her arms around his waist, tightening the embrace further. Spock could not help but respond. This was dangerous play for telepaths. Because they were bonded, their minds were reaching to one another and each had little control over what was passing between them. Spock had always found it easy to maintain his defenses with a non-telepath, one to whom he was not bonded, but this was different. Instinct led. Now that Spock had access to T'Ayrian's thoughts, and could see into her mind, he came face to face with a truth that could not be hidden as her feelings revealed one after the other that all his notions about her were in error.

Spock let her thoughts play in his mind as he savored them, and he reveled in the joy they brought. She did not want freedom from this marriage, or from him. She had no desire to be alone, but wanted their marriage to grow, to be a true, complete bonding. And children, some day she wished for their children.

As all this information flowed from her mind to his, Spock became so caught up in these pleasant sensations that he forgot that the reverse was also taking place. All his doubts and accusations were tumbling into her consciousness. There was a flash of ice water in his mind as T'Ayrian jerked free of his embrace. Her voice quivering, she said, "Thee does me an injustice." As she turned to flee, Spock caught her by the arm.

"T'Ayrian, allow me to explain..."

"No! Thee goes too far. I waited on Vulcan, but thee did not visit. I thought thee might find discomfort in the home of my parents, so I took separate lodging, but still thee did not come. I joined Starfleet and came to thee. Now I find thee holds only contempt for our marriage and me. This I will not accept." Jerking her arm free, she fled from the room while Spock stood there stunned.

Having no idea where he was going, Spock stumbled from the building and walked aimlessly trying to understand what had just happened. Visit her? He remembered T'Ayrian's many questions about Starfleet leave procedures, and that pass her father had given him that allowed free passage on any number of ships. He had thought the father of his wife had meant it for emergency use, such as an illness in the family, or perhaps for when the time again came upon him. And the apartment she had taken was meant for them to share, for his comfort. What a dull wit he had been. There had been at least two different occasions during the past year when he had been close enough to Vulcan to have gone home, but it had never crossed his mind. For so long he had thought of himself as single with no reason to go home, not with things as they had been between Sarek and himself. Apparently his mind-set had not changed since his b