SHATTERED GLASS- DEAR JOURNAL

"WHAT DID I SEE IN HIM CHALLENGE"

Evil Twin

Dear Journal:

How could my life begin and end all in one day. I know that sentence makes no sense. What happened to me today makes no sense either. I do not understand this? How can I go on in such heartache and pain? This is not what I bargained for. Where is my fairy tale ending? How come I do not get to live happily ever after? I was so close to having my dream come true, only to have it snatched away.

Roger, how could you do this to me? How could you do this to us? Wasn't I always there for you? Didn't I put my career on hold for you? Didn't I attend dozens of faculty dinners with you? Didn't I laugh dutifully at everyone's dumb jokes, and always be there to make sure that we appeared at all the right functions so that you could get funding for your project? Didn't I put off our wedding so you could go off into the wild blue yonder? Didn't I give in when you said "Honey, it will only be a few months, then we will get married?"

You said that this would give me time to get everything ready for our new life. I was ready for our new life. You were the one who put our plans on hold.

Why, oh why, did I let you do this to me? Why did I let you do this to us? I was always the one to compromise in our relationship. I tried so hard to be an asset to you.

When I think back to the first time we met, it makes my heart sing. There you were standing in front of the class giving a lecture. I think that was when I fell in love with you. You looked so confident and so spoke so passionately. I could feel the excitement and the deep love that you had for your work. I just used to sit and marvel at your winsome words. I could listen to your voice for hours. I could see the sparkle of intelligence in your beautiful eyes as you sat on the corner of your desk. It seemed if you were talking to just to me.

I loved the way that you would lean on the lecture podium and just speak from your heart. I remember the day that asked a question in class. I knew the answer, but I was too shy to raise my hand. But the more that you spoke, the more that I began to relax and I wanted to raise my hand. I finally got the courage to answer in class. I know that my voice cracked as I spoke but you did not seem to mind. You put me at ease with your gentleness. You made me feel comfortable enough to engage in the class discussions.

When you asked me to be your assistant on one of your projects, I was so excited. It meant that I got to pick your brilliant mind on a new level. You did not know that I smiled for the rest of the day. I even had to pinch myself to see, if this was really happening to me and that I was not dreaming.

I clearly remember the day that I knew that you were attracted to me. It was the day when I handed you the test tube and our fingers touched for a brief moment. I could feel the electricity between us. I knew that you felt it too, because you flashed that beautiful smile at me. It gave me hope. I knew that there was no turning back for me. That you were the one that I had been searching for.

I so enjoyed our conversations as we worked together. The depth of the knowledge that you possessed astounded me. The animation that came through whenever you spoke was so attractive to me. The timber of your voice was so beautiful. I longed for our relationship to move forward. I also knew that I was your student and that you would never taken advantage of that fact.

I understood why you would not ask me out while I was your student. You were so worried that people would spread unsavory gossip about me. The fact that you were worried about my reputation endeared you to me even more. You were so gallant that way.

I was so happy when the summer came and I would no longer be your student, and we could see where this relationship would go. I remember our first date at the park across from the campus. There you and I fed the ducks and took a long walk through the trial. Then we had a wonderful picnic lunch under the big oak tree. You were so funny with your wicked sense of humor. You were so full of life.

When you told me of your dreams and that you were ready to leave university life and follow your lifelong dream of doing field research on ancient civilizations, I could feel the deep passion that you possessed. It seems to be always there just below the surface, just teeming to get out. The fact that you were willing to share your dream with me drew me even closer to you.

You were so romantic. You reminded so much of my father. Dad romanced Mom until his death. He would always hold open the groundcar door for her. He would call her at least twice a day to remind her that he loved her. He would bring her flowers for no reason at all. When you sent me that singing telegram, and when you surprised me with that moonlight picnic on the beach with candles and wine and you even played the guitar for me, I was stunned. The way that you would always hold out my chair for me and hold my hand as we walked out together. The way that you always made sure that I got home safely and that sweet little puppy you brought for me so I would not be alone in my apartment melted my heart.

When you asked my Dad for my hand in marriage, you stole my heart forever. I knew that you would take care of me in the same way my Dad took care of Mom. From then on as far as I was concerned you could do no wrong.

You could do no wrong? Maybe that was the problem with our relationship. I idealized you too much. I put your on that pedestal. I was the one who wore rose colored glasses. I was looking at you through a romantic haze. You stood so tall, virile, handsome and intelligent just like Dad. Your eyes were even the same color. You laughed alike too. You and Dad got along so well.

You were my knight in shining armor. You were my dream come true. As with all dreams you must wake up eventually. When you do sometimes the pillow is covered in tears. Tears because you realize that it was just that a dream. It was not based on reality. It was all an illusion. It is just like the morning dew that burns away under the heat of the sun as the day progresses.

It is just like a still pond that shows your reflection so clear, until a dropped pebble disturbs the image and it ripples outward, so that you can no longer see your reflection.

As I pick up the pieces of this shattered glass, I feel broken too. Who is here to glue my back together? Who is here to make sure that no part of me gets swept away? Who is here to stroke my hair and tell me that this too shall pass? Who is here to fill the emptiness that you left? Who is here to hold my hand? Who is here to wake my up from this nightmare?

As I gently remove this ring that you placed on my finger so long ago, my heart feels so heavy. I can't seem to breathe. I feel like screaming. I feel like running for a thousand miles. I feel like my heart will burst inside my chest because I am in such pain. How can a person live in such anguish? I feel like I have been thrust naked on a stage for all the universe to see. I feel the air touching my skin. I feel the silence. I feel like everyone is looking at me with pity in their eyes. I can feel their whispers brushing against my skin, like tongues of fire. Saying "Look at the poor fool who raced across the galaxy to find true love and was left only to taste the ashes of her dreams."

Dear Journal:

Chris here. I am so glad that Christine has finally cried herself to sleep. I do not understand why she is wasting all this emotion on that S.O.B. That's right Roger is a Son of a Biscuit eater. He earned that name for the way that he treated Christine. I admit that she is a bit ditzy but she did not deserve the kick in the head that she got from Mr Perfect. Mr. Perfect sure had a lot of flaws.

I told her that this relationship would not work, but did she listen to me. No!!! She did not. I did not know what I was talking about. Roger Dodger was so kind, so sweet, so gentlemanly. He would not hurt a fly. HAH! Hurt a fly. He may not hurt a fly, but he sure swatted the hell out of Christine's emotions.

Yes, I told her he was too good to be true. I told her that she was more important to him as an asset to his career than anything else. I told her that he picked because she had the right credentials to be the Great Roger Korby's wife. She is smart, attractive not over assertive. She could speak intelligently about her man's work. She had the right pedigree. She looked good on his arm. He knew that Christine adored him, because he was like dear old Dad. Roger had the same style like Dad. The I will always take care of you, dear, just as long as you do as I say.

Why else would he suggest postponing the wedding until he got back? Why else would he not insist on taking Christine with him? It could not have been because she was unfamiliar with his work. She was in his class for goodness sake. Couldn't he tell that she was just as excited as he was for this opportunity to explore an ancient civilization on EXO III? But once again like a doormat she let him walk all over her. I told her that we should pack out bags and go anyway. What was he going to do, push her off the spaceship before takeoff? Of course, he would have been a little miffed at her, but he would have gotten over it. He would not have left me. But since she was in control, what could I do but sit back and wait for her to come to her senses. I knew that she was going to regret the decision to let Roger go without her.

It was my idea to join Starfleet as a way to find him after repeated attempts had been failed to find him. I was the one pushing her to take action and go find his sorry butt and strangle him for worrying her this way. He was always so inconsiderate like that. His work always came before anything or anyone else. I can't count the number of times that he stood her up for dinner dates, birthdays and anniversaries. He would always apologize and say that he was on the verge of a great discovery and just lost track of the time. It slipped away alright. It certainly is peculiar that he remembered to meet the backers for this expedition. He seemed to remember to show up for all those endless faculty dinners for funding for his department.

The gift of the puppy was not because he was so worried about her being alone in the apartment. It was because she was pissed off, that he left her sitting in that apartment alone because he was working late yet again. Even I have to admit that was a smooth move. She was so happy when he gave it to her. She told me see I told you that he loved me and did not want me to be lonely. I told her that a puppy is not a man. Wake up, dearie, and smell the coffee. The puppy kept her content for a while. That poor puppy got to her listen to sob as Roger ignored her once again. She really was a sucker for his make-up tactics. He would take her out for candle light dinner and she would be happy again. What a sap. Anyway, I digress.

Now let's discuss what happened on that planet. Excuse me, dear people, but if you a fiancé that you had not seen for some time and she thought that you were dead, wouldn't you personally greet her at the beam down coordinates, rather than sending your assistant? Doesn't that strikes anyone but me as the epitome of being a cold, callous and down right unfeeling bastard. I know if the shoe was on the other foot that I would go through hell and high water to get to my fiancé. That should have sent warning bells for me. Then when one of the crewmember got killed time we got there. Excuse me but Beam Me Up, Scotty. Roger would have to come to me. After all didn't Christine come flying across the galaxy to see him. He could not bring himself to come to her.

Once again he put his work before her well-being. Shouldn't he have told Captain Kirk that he would like to beam aboard the Enterprise to see the woman that he was engaged to first. Then he could discuss his new discovery. All these things were warning signs but Dumbo was too in love to see the forest for the trees.

Now let's get to the MISS BIONIC PERKY BREASTS. Yes, that is what I really called Andrea, the android. Get real. Those breasts were too perfect to be natural. They had to be manmade. I wonder how many times that he ran his hands over them to make sure that they had the right degree of perkiness. He could have at least made them sag a little. But No!! They were perfect. Then he had the nerve to give her a perky butt. Why couldn't her butt be a little chunky. But No!! It had to be perfect too. I guess that if I could create an android of my own I guess I would have made him perfect too. I would give him let me see: upswept eyebrows, a muscular chest, buns of steel and oh, yes, a perky love stick. See how Roger would have liked that.

I mean did he think that Christine was that stupid to believe his denial of a physical relationship with Andrea. I mean she may have been born at night, but not last night. Was she supposed to believe that Andrea was created to dust the chandelier. Oh, I forget there weren't any chandeliers. Maybe she was created to protect. That's right. Andrea's sheer overwhelming size and figure would be more intimidating than Roc. Yeah, I would certain be afraid of her. NOT!! Maybe he created her to be a receptionist for his office. I forgot. He didn't have an office. Let me see if I can think of a reason for her creation. Wait a minute it is coming to me.

Yes, the reason for Andrea's creation was for Roger to have the perfect bedwarmer. You know that using hot coals would have burned the sheets. So he was actually trying to save on expenses by using her to as bedwarmer. You know that credits do not grow on trees. Roger was frugal that way. Yeah right! NOT!! What man would not want one that looked as good as Andrea? You could program her to do anything he wanted. She would never tell him "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache." She wouldn't get a zit on her forehead from eating too much chocolate. Her body parts would always be perky. The laws of gravity would never catch up with her. She would never have PMS. She would never talk too much. She would never ask him "Does this outfit make me look fat?" Yes, Andrea was the perfect woman. Every man's dream come true.

Didn't he think that Christine missed having someone to hold her at night? Having someone to take a shower with? Someone to tell all her concerns to? Didn't he think that she wanted to do the horizontal mumbo? Didn't he think that she wanted to experience ecstasy so good that her eyes crossed? That she wanted to get her some. But did she stray? NO!! She loved Roger. It wasn't that offers from other men weren't made. They were. She turned all of them down. What a waste in retrospect. I wanted to strike gold. But NO!! She wanted that fake gold called Roger. What did it get her but really sexually frustrated.

Another thing. When was Roger going to tell her that HE was an android? After they had gotten married. I could see him whispering in her ear. "By the way, Honey, did I mention to you that I am an android? Did I tell you that we can't have any children? Did I forget to explain why I kept this a secret? OOPS! Silly me. I must have had something else on my mind. I hope that tiny detail won't make any difference to you. It is just one of the quirky things about me, being an android. Remember, no one is perfect. Well, that is not entirely true. I, Roger Korby, am as close to perfection as you will get. Now I can create as many perfect beings as I want. Just think of it. We can have matching android bodies. That's is right. His and Hers bodies. We can start a new trend. They will be the rage everywhere.

I told her that we should have left after he made that android Kirk. But NO!! She wanted to see this fiasco to the end. She still would not believe that the Roger that she knew and loved was gone and some fruitcake heavy on the nuts was in his place. I could tell that he had inhaled too many plastic fumes when he made Andrea. I could tell that the lights were on, but nobody was home. But who am I to her, but her smarter half. Oh, the burden of being an EVIL TWIN. People always misjudge us.

Christine had to learn this emotionally painful lesson the hard way. I told her that there are plenty of other fish in the sea, all she has to do is dangle the bait. I guess because I am such a nice person I will let her mourn his death for a little while. But life goes on. I can see that the universe is a vast place and the future is ours. Yep, life is about to change. If I have anything to anything to do about. I can see that the prospect for getting a big fish is wide open right here on the Enterprise. Yes, I am going to cast our net and see what we can catch.

I think that we should expand our horizons. Maybe we should try some exotic. Like an alien. A particular kind of alien. Let me see what kind we have here on the Enterprise. I think that one is here. What is his name? Let me think for a moment. It is coming to me. Yes, Mr. Spock. I think that he would be the ideal person to help me with my research projects. You know I am research scientist. I think we can talk about the birds and bees. You know that I am always trying to excel in my field of research. I am quite sure that working together we can make real progress. Scientifically I am sure.

Yes, I think that Christine needs to let go of the blues. Let me see. I think that my new favorite color will be green. It is time to turn the page and begin a new chapter. LOOK OUT UNIVERSE HERE I COME!

THE END