Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of Paramount/Viacom. This story is the property of and is copyright (c) 2009 by SterJulie. Rated PG-13.
Stranger Than Fan Fiction
Narrator's voice in /-/. Think Anne Robinson (Weakest Link)
* * *
/The great silver lady whooshes through vast regions of space, seeking out strange, new worlds and new civilizations, going boldly where no one has gone before./
Kirk looked up and addressed the disembodied voice that has plagued the ship since the computer's "personality" was excised from its banks.
"The ship is white," Kirk corrected, "and she doesn't 'whoosh.' There's no sound in space, remember?"
"Captain," Spock chided gently, "there is no logic in correcting this voice. It is not part of the computer system, nor does it register as an incorporeal life form. This is just an example of mass hysteria where the human members of the ship believe they hear a voice.
"I suppose that you do not hear it as well, Mr. Spock?" Kirk teased.
"Of course not," the Vulcan pronounced, turning back to his viewer.
/Captain Kirk and First Officer Spock participate in friendly banter, obviously intended as a promise of things to come later in the privacy of their shared quarters as Spock bends over his viewer and presents a good view of his posterior to his lover./
Spock leaped up from his stooped position, looked around the bridge at the gaping faces and agog eyes facing him. He sat down quickly in his chair, his eartips flaming green in embarrassment and anger. "We are NOT lovers!" he hissed as he considered how he could redesign his station so that he could use the scanner from a seated position.
"I'll say we're not lovers," Kirk said, winking at his flavor-of-the- week yeoman.
At that moment, the lift doors opened and Doctor Leonard McCoy stepped out and down to the center seat.
"Jim?" he asked, obviously flustered. "Are y'all hearing the same drivel we are hearing in Sickbay?"
Kirk swiveled his seat so face the doctor. "We're hearing drivel, Bones," he began, "but I don't know if it's the same drivel you're hearing."
Spock pivoted his own chair to face the captain. "Logical," he commented.
"I have my moments," Kirk replied.
McCoy rolled his eyes. "Look," he interjected, "we have some English schoolmarm-sounding voice giving a play-by-play on what we are doing in Sickbay, but its giving some weird spin to everything.
"Weird spin?" Spock echoed. "Can you elucidate?"
"You may not want to hear some of this stuff in public, Spock," the doctor warned.
"It can't be any worse that what we've heard up here," Kirk muttered.
"Well, for starters," McCoy warmed up, "this voice thinks I'm a drunk and Geoff is a drug addict. It also makes cracks about Christine's secret plans to woo you, Spock, and to get you into her pants."
Spock sighed heavily. First Kirk, then Chapel. To whom else had this voice linked the Vulcan?
"Then it provides back stories for each injury and illness that comes through my door," McCoy continued, "none of which are correct. I've had some crew members come to me at their wits end over this voice. It has to stop, Jim, before the whole crew goes bonkers!"
At that moment, Lieutenant Uhura entered the bridge near tears. She saw the command team turn her way and she stopped in her tracks.
"What did it say about you, Uhura?" Kirk asked gently.
"It wasn't about me, sir," she said, fighting to retrieve her composure. "It just said such mean things about Janice leaving the ship. She wasn't here to dispute any of it, and I just feel so bad for her."
"This is definitely affecting morale, Jim," McCoy suggested. "Something's got to be done about it. We are not lab rats in someone's experiment. We're living beings with feelings, even Spock here, and all we're going to crack under this psychological abuse sooner or later."
Kirk leaped from his seat and began to pace. "Bones, how can I defeat an enemy that is unseen, that has no corporeal form?" he said in exasperation. "The ship sensors do not record any sound, but we all hear that blasted woman's voice!"
/Kirk prowls the Bridge like a caged tiger. Nothing can work off this strain. He will have to call upon his two mates, Spock and McCoy, to help work out this tension in bed later, that is, after he had satisfied himself with his new yeoman and slapped around some new recruits./
Spock and McCoy gasped in unison. Kirk raised his eyes to the voice and grated, "No!" He had had enough with the horny voice. It was time to silence it for good.
Spock and McCoy stole glances at each other and shuddered at the thought of the three of them having sex together.
"Dat's eet," Chekov grumbled. It was one thing to play practical jokes. It was another thing entirely to insult one's captain. He stood and turned to the center seat. "Sair," Chekov began, "dere is one ting missing in my profile. I am de son of a Russian Orthodox priest, and I myself vas ordained before I joined Starfleet. I sense de hand of de Evil One here. Vit your permission, I vill rid dis ship of dis devil using de sacred rites."
/Everyone was shocked by Chekov's admission. How is it that no one knew of his religious ties? How could one so young already have two careers? How could one so young and so small have the power to face such Evil?/
Chekov didn't deign to answer the voice. His vision had already turned inward, fortifying himself for the battle by reciting the Psalms and other prayers. Kirk waved him off the Bridge.
/No, that won't do. Try again./ Rip. Tear. Shred.
Uhura moved with a padd to the science station. Spock read, "That dumb broad doesn't know what she is talking about, does she, Sugar?" Spock wrote his own message and handed it back to the lovely officer. "If you are referring to the voice, Aduna, you are certainly correct."
/No, that won't do either. Try again./ Rip. Wad, wad, wad.
/Sulu kept his eyes on his boards and monitor, trying to detect the presence of an alien ship. All the while, he prayed silently that the voice would not "out" him and his lover Chekov./
Sulu whipped his head so far to the right that his bones could be heard cracking. He looked at Chekov with new eyes while the Russian looked at Sulu with horror. Sulu had never given Chekov another thought before. For his part, Chekov decided to add another lock to his door.
McCoy turned back to the captain. "Did you notice that this voice seems to have a one-track mind, Jim?"
"What's that, Bones?" he asked.
"Sex!" McCoy replied. "Whoever this person is, all she is interested in is pairing us up together," he said aloud, adding under his breath, "in some of the strangest combinations." McCoy looked over his shoulder at Spock and shuddered again. "The voice may sound like a middle-aged lady, but her mind is more like an adolescent!"
"Doctor," Spock began, "you are attributing intelligence and gender to this voice. It could be heavily disguised radio signals. It could be psychic interference. It could be another creature such as Apollo or…"
McCoy raised his hands before him defensively and said, "Spare me the lecture, Spock! I don't care what it is! I only want it gone!"
"As do we all, Doctor," Spock countered. "However, we cannot formulate a plan of action without knowing what we are up against."
/Leonard McCoy knew that Spock used bickering as a form of foreplay. The doctor couldn't wait until he could hold himself up against the Vulcan's bare skin, his hot manhood thrusting…/
"ENOUGH!" McCoy bellowed.
"KROIKAH!" Spock roared.
"That's IT!" Kirk whispered menacingly. He savagely punched button on the arm of his chair. "Security, bring me a phaser rifle."
"What are you gonna do with a rifle, Jim?" McCoy asked worriedly. "Shoot the voice?"
Kirk sneered at the empty space above his chair. "If the voice won't stop this game, then I'll stop the voice."
Spock rose from his chair and inched forward slowly. Obviously the captain had gone insane and Spock wanted to make no false moves to startle him. "Captain…Jim, if you fire a phaser rifle at the ceiling, you'll blow a hole right through it. We'll all be killed."
/Spock didn't catch the sly wink Kirk aimed at him. He thought his captain, his shield brother, his lover, his t'hy'la, would rather kill them all than be subjected to hearing the truth the Voice spoke./
"Dammit!" Kirk yelled, throwing down the weapon. "It called my bluff!"
"Bluff?" McCoy roared. "What is this, Jim? A game? Do we look like poker chips to you?"
"Its strategy, Bones," Kirk replied, still stung over being found out. "Remember how we tricked Henoch into leaving Spock's body rather than be killed? I thought we could try that again."
Spock shook his head. "Those beings at least registered on our sensors, Captain," he explained. "I am still not convinced that this voice is not the product of some form of mass hysteria."
"Maybe it is connected to this location," Kirk mused. "Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu, put some distance between us and this sector of space. Take us back the way we came, and step on it."
As Lieutenant Commander Scott left the lift, he noticed the sudden jump to warp.
"What's happening, Captain?" he asked.
/Chief Engineer Scott loved two things: a good Scotch and a good ship. If his Lady was to be run like a wild beast, he'd fight to know why and for how long she would have to suffer such abuse./
"Shut yer bloomin' trap," Scott muttered. He looked up at his captain. "Di' the daft woman's voice follow me here, or are ye hearin' her poppycock, too?"
Kirk smiled ruefully. "I'm afraid she is wrecking havoc all over the ship, Scotty."
Scott shook his head. "She is pestering m' whole staff, tellin' tales when I send a two- or three-man crew to work on something. They come back red in the face and ready to fight. An' she loves to tell everyone what a drunk I am. Captain, ye know better than anyone that I only drink on leave, or in the line of duty." Scott pulled himself up to his full height. "And I dinna hae a still aboard. Ye cannae make any decent hooch in the bowels of a ship. There's nae time to let it breathe, to let it develop. Nae, ye'd better leave good booze makin' to the artists."
/Kirk smiled at Scott as he gave his diatribe. A person could insult Scotty, but don't insult his ship or his Scotch. Kirk planned to invite the engineer into his quarters later that evening for some good Scotch, some soft candlelight, and some hot wrestling under the sheets./
Scotty turned as red as his shirt and exploded with a litany of Celtic curses. Kirk just shook his head. He looked to Spock and McCoy.
"This calls for drastic measures, gentlemen," he said quietly. He thumbed a control on his chair. "Computer," he called. "Computer, destruct sequence. Are you ready to copy?"
"Prepare to verify destruct sequence code one," he continued, ignoring the gasps and wide eyes of the Bridge crew. "Computer, this is Captain James Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Destruct sequence one. Code one, 1-A."
VOICE AND CODE ONE, 1-A VERIFIED AND CORRECT. SEQUENCE ONE COMPLETE.
/The captain turned grimly to his best friend and lover. Would the Vulcan continue the ruse, knowing how much his people eschew deception and lies?/
"This is Commander Spock, science officer," the Vulcan said without hesitation. "Destruct sequence number two. Code one, 1-A, 2-B."
VOICE AND CODE VERIFIED AND CORRECT. SEQUENCE TWO COMPLETE.
/The captain next turned to his faithful engineer, someone who would sacrifice his own life before he would allow a whit of damage to come to his beautiful bairns./
Scott stood at attention and spoke without pause, "This is Lieutenant Commander Scott, chief engineering officer of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Destruct sequence number three. Code 1-B, 2-B, 3."
VOICE AND CODE 1-B, 2-B, 3 VERIFIED AND CORRECT. SEQUENCE THREE COMPLETE. DESTRUCT SEQUENCE COMPLETED AND ENGAGED. AWAITING FINAL CODE FOR 30-SECOND COUNTDOWN.
/It was all an elaborate ruse. Even the great James T. Kirk hadn't the balls to destroy his ship over something so minor./
"Computer," Kirk began, "this is Captain James Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Begin 30-second countdown. Code zero, zero, zero destruct zero."
/It had to be an elaborate ruse, a gigantic ploy. James Kirk would not sacrifice the lives of all his crew, so many of whom he had held to himself in lust and in love./
TWENTY-NINE, TWENTY-EIGHT, TWENTY-SEVEN…
/The crew all clung to each other in terror. Their captain had turned into a madman. He hadn't given any of them time enough to evacuate to the escape pods./
"It will be worth it not to ever hear that voice again," McCoy muttered.
TWENTY-THREE, TWENTY-TWO, TWENTY-ONE…
Kirk thumbed a control on his chair. "This is the captain speaking. We could find no way to defeat the alien voice. Therefore, we are going to take it with us. We have to defeat this psychological attacker before it spreads to other ships. It has been my honor to serve with you, the finest crew in the Fleet. I'm sorry there was no other way. Kirk out."
Sounds came from Uhura's console as she jettisoned a buoy with copies of the latest captain's logs and ship reports for Starfleet.
FIFTEEN, FOURTEEN, THIRTEEN…
/Screaming could be heard all over the ship. Four hundred and thirty people didn't want to die!/
Kirk walked to each of his bridge crew and calmly shook hands.
SEVEN, SIX, FIVE…
The bridge crew stood at their posts at solemn attention.
THREE, TWO, ONE, ZERO.
/It seemed that our beloved characters have become self-aware./
/Who are you?/
/I am your Muse. You know, the one you haven't been listening to recently./
/I thought you were away./
/I haven't gone anywhere. It is your own creativity that has gone-- to hell in the proverbial hand basket, it seems. Didn't you notice how upset your characters were becoming due to all the craziness you have put them through lately?/
/I thought it was funny./
/Well, they thought it was so *not* funny that they blew themselves up. It seems that they had the last laugh./
/Oh. So now what?/
/So, go away now. Go watch the restored episodes. Go read some *good* fan fiction. Remember that this show was about truth, justice, and the American way./
/Wasn't that Superman?/
/You know what I mean. It was about the ideal of living together in peace, exploring the unknown as friends. Now scat!/
A short while later, Kirk poked his head around a corner. "Is it safe to come back?" he whispered.
/The coast is clear,/ the Muse said.
"Who was that bitch?" McCoy grumped.
"Doctor!" Spock reprimanded.
"Well, she got on my nerves, and yours, too," the doctor responded.
"Aye," Scott breathed, "an' the rest o' the crew as well!"
The Muse laughed her silvery laugh as the four hundred and thirty-plus crewmembers crowded at her feet.
/She will not bother you for a long while, Children. You needn't worry about her. I'll be sure to send her a team of very exacting Betas to keep her in line./ She smiled gently at all the little faces turned up to her. /You were very brave to sacrifice yourselves to stop her./
"We had to," Kirk said, leaning against the Muse's knee as she towered over all of them. "She was so strange, and she got even stranger by the minute. We couldn't take any more."
"Indeed not," Spock contributed. "She was quite illogical."
The Muse gathered as many as she could reach of the crew into arms. /Oh, children/, she cooed. /Don't you know that nothing is stranger than fan fiction?/