Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of Paramount/Viacom. This story is the property of SterJulie and is copyright © 2005 by SterJulie. Rated PG.
Chapter 1--The Journal
The Journal of Sarek and Amanda, chronicling their efforts in having a child together
I write these words in this new blank book, hoping that it is the beginning of a saga with a happy ending.
After many discussions, Sarek and I actually did something today about having a baby together. We met with the geneticists who will help us conceive a child. I trust Sarek's selection of this team. He is a very good judge of character, and each of these scientists seemed eager yet ethical. I want a baby, a healthy baby, not some monster, not some Frankenstein. These men and women understand this and they put me at ease. It will be a lot of hard work, but it will be well worth it.
Our first step will be a complete physical. For me, it will mean a lot of blood work. They will need to see if my body has enough of the nutrients a Vulcan fetus needs to thrive. Second, they will need to see how my body will tolerate taking the supplements that will provide the fetus with enough Vulcan nutrients without harming my body. Sarek and I have discussed hiring a surrogate to carry the child if necessary, but I'd rather carry the baby myself. The surrogate will be our last resort.
It is good that we are beginning this process now. They want me to collect a sperm sample at Sarek's next pon farr. My dear husband didn't move a muscle at that news, but he definitely blanched! Poor baby.
After my lab work is completed, the team will put me on fertility drugs so that they can harvest several of my eggs. They need to map my DNA, then use an egg which has been emptied of its normal contents to hold the manipulated genetic material from Sarek and myself. There's a lot more complicated scientific "stuff" to the process, but, although I am a teacher, my specialty is language and literature, not biology!
So, this is the beginning of a long journey for us. I am going to write about the process in these pages. I hope I can convince Sarek to do the same. Someday, when our child is older, we can share this book with him Sarek already informed me that he would prefer a boy. Me? My only preference is a healthy baby!
Here's to our dreams, here's to the future!
Chapter 2--The Exam
I never knew what the term "complete physical" meant before today. I was poked and prodded in places I didn't know I had! There were so many scans to take, so many samples to give, and so many questions to answer. It was uncomfortable and tiring, but I am keeping my eyes on the prize.
They were able to harvest my eggs today. I believe they found eight. Imagine! Do you think that, if I produce a baby on the first try, they will make more babies for us from what left over? Oops! I am counting my chickens before the eggs have hatched, now, aren't I!
It is comforting to know that three of our team members are human, and two of those are women. I don't know if Sarek picked them because they are the best, or because he knew I would be more comfortable with them. Hey, they could be Tellarites and Andorians, as far as I'm concerned, or even Denebian slime devils. I wouldn't care, as long as they work together well as a group and put a healthy baby in my arms.
My Sarek. How did I end up with such a sweetheart? I know that this baby is important to both of us, but he is really going above and beyond the call of duty to make me happy.
I hear Sarek dragging himself up to bed. I wonder why they kept him longer at the medical center? I can smell the incense, so I know he will spend the next hour or more in meditation. I cannot keep my eyes open, so I will close and leave this book and pen on his side of the bed. Can my darling take a hint?
Amanda has requested that I enter some thoughts into this book on our endeavor to have a child.
Today, as my wife has already written, was our physical examination. I know that the team was able to harvest eight eggs from Amanda. I asked if they could extract any viable sperm from me today, as opposed to waiting for my next Time. I logically argued that, if we waited for me to be in pon farr, Amanda could be in danger. I wouldn't understand what she would have to do to collect this sample and I may hurt her. I also reasoned that the team wouldn't have to wait until then to map out my DNA. They reminded me that I would not be at peak fertility, but that would not preclude them from examining me for viable sperm now.
I was not told how long, tedious and painful this procedure would be, not to mention how invasive and extremely personal. But, as my cherished aduna has written above, I must also keep my eyes on the prize.
Chapter 3--My Son
I find that the residual pain in my groin from today's procedure is precluding me from sleep, so I will continue to write in this journal until the cold pack dulls the pain.
Amanda mentioned that I preferred to have a son. That is not exactly precise. I said it would be more logical to have a son.
My clan is a matriarchy. After T'Pau dies, head of clan duties will pass to the eldest born female in the second generation after her. That would mean any daughter of mine would be eligible to be head of clan. However, no one would accept a halfing as head of clan. So, to prevent any such disturbance when that time comes, it would be logical to have a male child. Someone else's daughter will have to lead the clan.
The cold pack is not working. I will settle myself into a light trance until morning.
I awoke to find this journal between my husband and myself. So that is why the team kept him so long yesterday. Poor baby! I hope he had the foresight to cancel his appointments for today. That cold pack in his lap could lead to some embarrassing moments for him!
So that is why Sarek wants a boy. He thinks we will have a repeat of what happened after our marriage. Well, it took a lot of work, but the family has deemed me worthy of respect now. We'll have to teach Sonny Boy the same value of hard work and determination.
Sometimes I wonder if we are doing the right thing. Sarek's hard part was yesterday. My hard part will be the 10+ months I will carry this child. But our little bi-species boy will have to bear the hardest part for the rest of his life.
And how long will our boy live? Vulcans can live to be 250. Humans can live to be 110, some 125 or more. Would we expect to average the two? Guess?
I'm acting like our baby will even be viable. The genetics team has certainly taken on a huge project. They said not to expect anything from them for a few years. I was shocked! They said "a few years," not "3.865 years." How imprecise! Sarek's pon farr is due in three years, so the timing would be fine. I just hope that we won't be disappointed at the end of this process. I just ache to hold a little piece of Sarek in me, to place that warm bundle in my adun's arms, so see myself reflected in a little boy's elfin face.
Oh, hurry, little one! Mama and Papa are eager to meet you!
Chapter 4-- Hurry Up and Wait
Well, the results of the lab work showed that I would have to start taking several supplements so that my body can sustain a developing half-Vulcan fetus. I have been on them for eight days now. I am already showing symptoms.
My skin has a fine rash. It doesn't itch, but I don't like how my skin looks.
I now pee bright blue. What am I, Andorian?
My breath and my body odor are atrocious. In a word, I stink! Sarek cannot abide any kind of mint, not even Vulcan mint. Licorice masks it well, but then I'd have to deal with its side effects. The only scent that both Sarek and I can stand is clove. I think this baby will be born with a hankering for pumpkin pie!
The team will run new blood tests next week and will adjust my doses if needed. Whatever it takes! I want a baby and I want to carry it to term!
Sarek translates the team's progress reports for me. All I know is that, after four weeks, they have only mapped out 8% of our genes. It's a very slow and tedious process. I have to keep reminding myself that this will take four years, at the very least.
This is definitely an exercise in patience!
I see that Amanda omitted an important side effect of her treatments.
She is fatigued more so than usual. The heat and higher gravity is not making this any easier. However, the team does not want her off planet if necessary. Also, she is to take supplemental oxygen as she feels the need. She says that the extra oxygen does relieve the fatigue somewhat. As my aduna says, "It takes the edge off."
I keep asking myself: Are we being selfish in wanting this child? Is the physical risk to Amanda's health worth it? Could we not instead take in some orphaned or abandoned child to raise as our own? It may come to that if we are not able to conceive. I will remind Amanda of this alternative, but only when we run out of options.
I have not touched this journal for two weeks. The results of last's weeks blood tests showed that my supplements needed to be adjusted.
After 5 days on the new doses I find that the rash is gone and is now replaced by dry skin. I have yet to find a lotion, oil or moisturizer that can alleviate this. I can just see a cloud of sloughed off dead skin trailing me wherever I walk.
My body odor is less offensive, but my breath smells like old fish, except when I chew on a clove. Then it smells like old fish with cloves.
I now pee royal blue. *SIGH!*
Cherished aduna, my heart. I do not find you the least bit offensive.
We are already in the seventh week of this process. Remember the quote of the Earth mystic Teresa of Avila: "Patient endurance attaineth to all things," or, as you say, "Keep your eyes on the prize."
Remember that you are not on this journey alone. I am at your side always.
Chapter 5--First Try
I'm so excited; I can hardly sleep! The team will combine our genetic material tomorrow and make our baby! After giving the little bug time to grow, they will implant me. The team has my cycle planned down to the nanosecond, and five days from now will be the best time for my uterus to accept an embryo. I'll finally be pregnant by this time next week!
The timing is perfect. I will carry this baby for the next 10+ months (No one can give me an exact length of time for the gestation period). That means the baby will be at least six months old before Sarek's next Time. I will be healed enough, and the baby will be old enough to leave with someone else. Some members of the team have already asked to baby sit!
Sarek says I should not get my hopes up. I tell him I am "cautiously optimistic." The team has only been working for two years when they said it would take four to get to this stage. The mapping and genetic manipulation went so smoothly. My little baby has been such a good boy even before he's born!
Go ahead, Sarek. Say how illogical that last statement was!
Aduna, I would not dare point out what you yourself already know.
It is good that you are being cautious in your optimism. Experiments involve trials and errors, and this is the greatest experiment you and I have ever attempted, even more so than our marriage.
Whatever happens tomorrow, I will be there with you, at your side, never parted.
So much for optimism ...
My cherished aduna has taken to bed, no doubt crying herself to sleep.
The egg never divided. We all watched on a large screen as the two sets of genetic material were introduced into one of Amanda's empty eggs. We waited three hours for something to happen. Then the egg began to deteriorate.
The team has told us that they will have to start again from the beginning. I sense that they rushed the process to accommodate my own cycle. I have asked them to be more methodical and take an appropriate amount of time. Money is no concern.
The team has asked to harvest fresh eggs from Amanda. They think that the new eggs would be more conducive to accepting my genetic material since Amanda has been on her regimen of supplements these past two years.
I will let her sleep for now and tell her all this in the morning.
I awoke with a headache, no doubt from all my crying. I found Sarek sleeping just inches from me as if he wanted to be near to me but was afraid to touch me.
Just listen to me--Sarek? Afraid??
I dreamed that he and I were not able to have children together, so we wanted to hire a woman to carry Sarek's child. Problem is, no one would volunteer to carry his baby then give it over to an outworlder to raise.
What if we cannot have a child together? What if we are not allowed to adopt one because I am an outworlder? I know how important family is to Sarek, to all Vulcans. I don't even know of any Vulcan families without at least one child. Will Sarek choose family over me in the end? Will this be the end of Sarek and me?
Sarek has reached out to me in his sleep. No doubt my tears are disturbing him. Either that or my maudlin thoughts. Sarek's right about being cautious. Logical, too, for that matter. Just because I don't know any childless Vulcan couples doesn't mean there aren't any!
I'm going to close now and practice my deep breathing. Maybe that will help me clear my addled brain and let me sleep.
Be patient, Amanda! Be patient!
Chapter 6--Unhappy Surprise
I have put this journal aside, as Sarek recommended. There has been nothing much to report these past twenty months. I have kept on the regimen of supplements. Sarek has passed through the Fires. The team has been diligently plotting genes and planning our baby. I have stopped talking to my little one and calling him pet names. It will make the losses easier to take.
Yes, I have turned into a pessimist. I'm sure it was due to my unexpected pregnancy after Sarek's recent pon farr, and my subsequent miscarriage. I hadn't even realized yet that I was pregnant when, boom, it was over. The team said that my pH levels were too high, that the embryo couldn't implant properly. The team will have to monitor my pH levels closely when it comes time to implant me. Great. That's all I need, another exam, another pill!
My little baby, one that I made myself with Sarek, is gone!
* * *
It is nighttime now. Sarek found me weeping over my last entry, so he took me outside, placed a bowl of incense on a low bench, and led us in a brief, yet very tender and poignant, memorial service for our lost baby. It was exactly what I needed--closure. The bitterness and the pessimism I have been experiencing lately were born heavenward with the smoke.
My Sarek is so sweet and thoughtful. I am so blessed to have him, to be his wife.
My Amanda sleeps so peacefully now. Her mood has been so dark since we found out about the miscarriage. I should have thought of the memorial service sooner. She needed, we needed, to bid farewell to our child.
I find that pessimism does not become Amanda. It is so much against her nature. It was difficult to see her suffer so.
The team estimates that we can attempt another try in six months time. They say that they learned much from the first trial and they do not anticipate failure.
However, if this attempt is not successful, I do not wish to expose Amanda to any further grief. I will begin to look for surrogates myself. And if I am not successful in finding a suitable surrogate, I will start looking for a child to adopt. I must fill Amanda's empty arms. I must bring the smile back to her face and the light back to her eyes.
Chapter 7--Desperate Times
Sarek's last entry brought tears to my eyes, tears of love and tears of disappointment. I do not want anyone else carrying my baby. I know that sounds so selfish, but it makes me feel like such failure.
I am also entertaining the idea of letting Sarek father a child with someone else and then adopting that child as my own. But what Vulcan woman will allow her child to be raised by an outworlder?
The team will try to make a baby again tomorrow. Five days later, if all goes well, they will try to implant the fetus again. I have been going in for tests every day this week, followed by treatments to balance my pH levels. Those treatments are making me sick. I haven't been able to sleep much, let alone keep down much more than water. Sarek doesn't say anything, but I see the concern in his eyes, hear the concern in his voice as he tries to get me to eat or rest. Honey, it's not worry, honest. It's these new treatments. I don't feel well now, but oh so soon, we will hold our beautiful baby boy in our arms and forget about the difficult steps on this journey.
I should be in meditation right now, trying to master, to rein in the intense anger I am experiencing right now.
There was an accident at the labs that has nearly cost me dear wife her life.
The equipment that they have been using to monitor Amanda's blood and pH levels was faulty. She has been taking too high a dosage of supplements and that has been taking a toll on her body. It is no wonder she has been feeling ill lately. By the time she was examined using new instruments, her condition was serious. She needed blood transfusions and various drugs to combat the chemical imbalance.
The team assures me that the fault lies completely with the independent lab they were using. If that is the case, why wasn't this discovered sooner by the doctors on the team? Surely they could see Amanda's condition deteriorating!
I am ready to abandon this entire program and take a lirpa to the equipment! At this point, I would rather have a healthy wife than a son. However, Amanda would never forgive me if I made any decisions without her, so I will wait until she is well enough to discuss this.
As I read Sarek's last entry, I understand why he has been prowling like a caged lematya. Members of the team have been giving him wide berth. All it takes from Sarek is one of his famous looks to get them to either leap into action or get the hell away.
I still want to give it one last try. I feel like we have walked up to the edge but have not yet taken that leap of faith.
I, Amanda aduna Sarek, promise not to ask for another chance if this attempt fails. There, Sarek, you have my promise in writing. We missed the window of opportunity for me this month, but as soon as I am well, I want to make one last attempt. Just one.
Chapter 8--Cautiously Optimistic
I can't sleep. I am just too excited! Even after an enthusiastic session of celebratory lovemaking with my beloved adun Sarek, I am all keyed up.
My dear husband is still in his meditation room, trying to master his joy! I told Sarek that this is one time he should express his joy, celebrate his joy, roll around on the floor with his joy!
We made a baby today!
Well, the team actually made the baby, with our genetic material, of course. And, ooh! I am so happy I can burst!
We made a baby today!
I'll never forget the moment for as long as I live. Sarek and I were present in the lab, watching the big screen with the team members as the genetic material (I wish I could think of another term! That just sounds so cold.) was inserted into one of my emptied eggs. The whole genetic soup just sat there for a good twenty, twenty-five minutes thinking about what to do. Then we saw the material begin to churn, and churn and churn some more. I sneaked a peek at Sarek. His eyes were literally glued to the images on the screen. We waited another five minutes.
"Come, on, child!" I heard him mutter.
And after a pause long enough for a child to respond, "Yes, Father," the egg split!
Sarek froze, I gasped, and a few moments later, it split again!
Now, Sarek has never, and I mean never displayed affection for me in public before, but at that moment, he turned to me and held me. I don't know if he was trying to keep me from falling apart, or trying to hide his face from everyone, or what, but he embraced me with all his heart and soul.
As I looked back to the screen, I saw the cells divide again. I remember whispering, "Good boy. That's my good, good boy."
Now we have to wait five days, five long days until the embryo is large enough to be implanted. Then I'll be officially pregnant!
Now, I'm the first one to admit that we don't know what will happen in the coming days, the coming months. I have to be cautiously optimistic, both for me and for Sarek. Anything can still happen.
But there is no way I am going to stop smiling right now.
Chapter 9--Another Scare
My aduna Amanda sleeps finally. It has been a challenging day for her, for us.
We attended the funeral of my great grandfather Spock today. I told Amanda that it would be too difficult for her to be out in the heat for so long. She insisted on taking her place at my side, standing with the rest of the family. At the end of the lengthy walk to the gravesite, Amanda asked if we might stop by the medical center on the way home. One look at her pale face and I had us beamed over at once.
Amanda was bleeding.
The team members joined us at the hospital. They assure me all is well with our son. He is developing within normal parameters. The human doctors told me that it was normal to have some breakthrough bleeding. To be cautious, however, they have restricted her from many activities. Standing in the heat of day was the first to go. Strenuous activity, such as the long walk we took up the steps of Mount Seleya, was the next. Intimacy between us is also restricted. Amanda was dismayed at that news, but I promised that we would find other satisfactory ways of pleasuring each other.
She is holding me to that promise.
Amanda keeps asking me about names for our son. So far, I have circumvented that issue. It seems that on Earth, the naming of the child is left to the parents. On Vulcan, the clan names the child, with the matriarch having the final say.
T'Pau will summon us once I have informed her of the Quickening. Only then will she reveal the child's name.
Amanda, my heart, if you awaken and read this before I have the chance to tell you, I apologize in advance for not informing you sooner. Remember this: Our child is our gift to the clan. The name they give him will be their gift to us. You can expect a name with dignity, meaning and history. You can also expect a name that will reflect his dual nature. I promise you, you will be satisfied.
I awoke in the wee hours and found the journal between us again. Sometimes I wonder if Sarek doesn't use his written messages to tell me things that might start an argument if he was to tell me outright.
Had Sarek dropped his little bombshell to my face, I admit that there would have been choice words. But these two sentences, Our child is our gift to the clan. The name they give him will be their gift to us, melted away any animosity. Sarek promised me that the clan wouldn't give him anything without meaning and dignity. Well, my darling adun, I just hope I will be able to spell it and pronounce it correctly!
I wonder if "quickening" means the same thing on both our planets. I haven't felt any movement yet, but it is only the beginning of my fourth month.
Chapter 10--The Quickening
We have just returned from T'Pau, and I really should be resting, but I must put down my thoughts before I can even think of sleep.
To answer my own question, "quickening" means the same in both languages. I think I nearly gave Sarek a heart attack, waking him up with one of my shrieks.
I never saw him move so quickly before! He scooped me into his arms and carried me to the door before the echo of my scream died down. I nearly had to hit him to make me put me down! When he had me on my feet, I grabbed one of his hands and pressed it low on my belly. Soon, he felt the fluttering inside me (which to me felt like a trapped bee!)
And then, my beloved did something so beautiful! He dropped to his knees, pressed his lips to the spot where the fluttering continued, and spoke words so low meant only for our boy to hear. This went on for a minute, but it felt like forever. I just kept rubbing Sarek's head, his shoulders.
When he finally got to his feet, Sarek took my face in his hands and let me see the joy in his eyes. He said one word, "Amanda," but it spoke such volumes to me--love, joy, hope, satisfaction.
I have to pause and wipe the tears again.
Sarek told me that we would need to call on T'Pau first thing in the morning. We went back to bed, Sarek curled against my back, one hand protectively over the baby. But even in this loving embrace, I found sleep elusive. I was so curious (okay, and apprehensive) about what name T'Pau would give our baby.
I needn't have worried.
It is traditional to give the first child born after the death of an elder the name of the deceased. Now, I don't know if T'Pau had had this researched, or if I had made some passing comment, but when it came time to reveal the name for our son, she mentioned that she would be honored to give the name of her grandfather to our child. She mentioned that it was a famous Earth name as well. And many generations ago, an ancestor with the same name was known as "The Great Bridge Builder." This child of ours would be a great bridge between our two planets.
I nearly laughed out loud with delight when she solemnly declared, "Thy child will henceforth be named Spock, son of Sarek, son of Skon." T'Pau knew that I knew of the famous pediatrician of the twentieth century, Benjamin Spock. It made me wonder what would become of our boy!
Imagine! My son, the doctor! What a cliché!
So now I can start talking to my baby boy and call him by name. Sarek says that this helps the baby know his place in the clan, know his place in history. I thought that right now the baby would only be aware of heat, cold, sound, touch and movement. Perhaps things are different with telepathic species.
My! Does that mean that the baby can sense my thoughts? Well, Precious, you certainly know that I love you and that we are both anxious to hold you in our arms, to see your beautiful face, to feel your warmth, and to see tomorrow in your eyes!
Chapter 11--My Days As a Whale
I am getting so big. No, huge, immense, gigantic, colossal, mammoth, enormous! Some days when I am bored, which is often, I take my hand mirror and watch the stretch marks erupt on the underside of my bloated belly. My stomach looks like it's crisscrossed with red lines in the shapes of lightning strikes.
I am not allowed out of bed unassisted anymore. Right, like I can get up without help! Sometimes I feel like a turtle or a beetle on its back, arms and legs flailing, trying to turn over, get up, and get on with life.
Life. I remember life beyond these four walls.
Oh, don't get me wrong! Sarek has been a real angel. He has brought me everything and anything I've requested. I have piles of tapes, books, food and drink, etc, etc. For companionship I have Ee-Chiya as well as one or more of the elder mothers. They have been bathing me and feeding me in bed (not Ee-Chiya; the elder mothers!). But when Sarek is home, he carries me to the tub and helps me take a real bath. Then he gets the fragrant oils and gives me the most heavenly massage. My darling really pampers me.
Speaking of the massage, I love how Sarek communes with Spock as he rubs my belly. It's as if Sarek is massaging our son, too. I can't "hear" anything through the link, so I don't know if he is communicating telepathically with the baby. If he is, I haven't been able to eavesdrop. Perhaps Sarek is letting his touch do all the talking.
Ooh! Being in bed is beginning to be a real strain. I want to see how my garden is surviving without me. Sarek hired groundskeepers, but most of the plants I have put there are non-native. I know when to water them, how to trim them, what's normal for them and what is not. I just know that the garden will be either overgrown or dead by the time I can get back! I want to see outside! I want to sit and play my piano! I want to hear the grandfather clock chime the hour!
Keep you eyes on the prize, Amanda! Keep your eyes on the prize!
Chapter 12--Coming to Term
My Amanda is anxious to give birth. We have waited far longer that the normal gestation time to have a baby. There were the three years that we tried on our own, followed by one disappointment after another as the team created this child for us. Then the actual time of pregnancy for my wife, and all the limits that has put on her, on us.
I wish I could capture this moment in time. Although my cherished aduna will refute this, I think she has never been more radiant. Amanda has ripened to the fullness of femininity. She is at her most powerful, even though she feels helpless right now. She is Life Giver, Bearer of Hope, and I find myself wanting to worship at her feet.
Yes, I will be the first to admit that my writings here are full of emotions. To refute this would be illogical, and to try to deny, suppress or master these emotions would be fruitless. I am married to a Human wife with emotional needs. I must walk a fine line to keep Vulcan decorum yet keep my aduna content.
Amanda has created an interesting nest around her in our bed. There are copies of all the images taken of Spock in utero at her bedside. We both agree that he favors T'Pau more than he favors either of us. I wonder if the team did that intentionally?
Amanda is stitching something called a sampler that incorporates both Standard letters and Vulcan runes. There is a vase of flowers from her garden on the side table, as well as some of her books, food and drink, lotions and other personal items. I wonder how she can rest in the midst of all that clutter?
As I write this, she moves restlessly in her sleep. I sense that she will awaken soon and I will have to see to her needs.
Spockam, my son, as soon as you can understand, I will teach you that, although your mother is different from other Vulcan mothers, she must surely be the strongest and most courageous woman we will ever know.
Chapter 13--Mountain of the Second Life
I am exhausted, but I cannot sleep. I'm too excited to sleep.
Now, where have I heard that before? I have written that sentence, or one just like it, so many, many times before in this journal. But tonight, I have a new reason to be excited.
The baby is in position! He has engaged and I will give birth sometime in the next two weeks! I will be able to hold my precious boy in my arms soon and look into his beautiful little eyes, feel him curl his fingers around one of mine, know the wonders of feeding him at my breast. Come soon, Spock! Be a good boy and come soon.
Amanda is already asleep and does not know the news.
Ancestor Spock's wife, T'Pserca, wishes to die. It is permitted one so ancient to choose the time of death. She has asked for a clan gathering tomorrow where she will bid us all farewell then follow her husband into the second life.
I should not be parted from Amanda's side at this time. Neither should Amanda be out in the heat, climbing the steps of Mount Seleya this late into her pregnancy. I think it would be unwise for us to go.
However, T'Pau insists that we both be there. It would dishonor the memory of the one whose name has been bestowed on our son if we were not in attendance. She says she will send her attendants to carry Amanda. However, I will not have my wife carted about by litter-bearers like an aged matriarch. If we go, I will have the two of us beamed over to the site, bid our farewells, then return.
I cannot risk the lives of my wife or our son.
You know, this planet has made so many discoveries and advances in the fields of science and medicine. They were able to provide a team that created the great miracle of a child for Sarek and me.
And I give birth in a cave?
Sarek and I had to attend the transitioning service for dear old T'Pserca. Again, it was out in the heat, up the many stairs to Mount Seleya. Sarek had planned to beam us directly to the temple, but he could not get permission for using the transporters at such a sacred site. It would "desecrate the site and dishonor the ancestors." So Sarek refused to go.
So T'Pau sent her burliest attendant who picked me up in his tree trunk arms and carried me up the mountain. Sarek was livid, but he kept a stiff upper lip for the sake of decorum. I was deposited on a couch in a shaded grotto. Burly Guy stayed with us but at a respectful distance, ready to carry me forward when our time came.
And when our time came to say goodbye, it felt like the meeting of Mary and Elizabeth in the Bible. Except it was the child in my womb that leapt when T'Pserca laid her hand on my belly.
And then my water broke.
And then all hell broke loose.
Burly Guy carried me back to the couch I had used earlier, only this time it had been pulled all the way into a cave. Sarek was not about to have me give birth to this baby in the presence of the whole clan.
One of the High Priestesses was also a midwife. Thank goodness, because when Spock decided that he was coming, there was no stopping him!
So there is the midwife/high priestess, adorned in all her temple finery, sitting at my knees, waiting to catch Spock who couldn't get out of me fast enough.
Standing to the side was my husband, adorned in all this clan's finery, looking as resplendent as a prince on coronation day. Until I looked at his face.
When Sarek is overcome with emotions, he clamps down on his control and goes all über-Vulcan. And not only had he lost control of himself, he had lost control of the situation. Plus he had every single last one of the clan hovering nearby and had to save face.
Sarek did not appreciate my screaming.
Well, my darling husband, the day when you can pass a 12 pound watermelon out of your anus without screaming will be the day I start giving birth in silence.
I swear it only took three or four pushes, but soon I heard the beautiful sound of our little Spock taking his first breath and announcing his presence to the universe.
The high priestess (I never did find out her name!) took Spock over to present him to his father.
"Sarek, your son," she announced.
Sarek and I have already had several discussions about the first words our little, longed-for boy, heard from his father: "So human."
Sarek claims that it was just his shock at seeing all that red blood covering Spock, or the shock of the baby's blue eyes and blonde hair. I assured Sarek that that will all change. I was a towheaded baby, and my hair darkened with time. All human babies are blue eyed at birth until the pigment in their irises settles into the final color after six weeks.
The way Sarek spoke, I was afraid that he would reject the child outright, but I couldn't have been more mistaken. The two are inseparable. After it was okay for me to be moved, Burly Guy carried me back down the mountain to a waiting air ambulance (Sarek had informed the team at some point, but I don't remember when that was). Sarek carried Spock down himself. Of course, this was after he paid his last respects to T'Pserca. She actually put her frail arms out to touch Spock and bestow her blessing on him. I wish I had been able to witness that in person, but Sarek has let me see it a few times in his memories.
As we drove away from Mount Seleya, I couldn't help but wonder at what had happened here today. Today there had been both a birth to this life and a birth to eternal life here on this mountain that celebrates death. It makes me wonder about my little one. I can't help but think that this child was born on this mountain, at this moment, bearing the name of a great ancestor. It sounds so much like the birth of a prophet or an emperor or something else as grand.
Surely this is an omen of something, but what?
Chapter 14--One Journey Ends, Another Begins
When I started this journal over four years ago, I entitled it "The Journal of Sarek and Amanda, chronicling their efforts in having a child together." And now that journey has ended and a new one has begun.
As I write this, I espy my very staid husband holding our beautiful son on his knees, enthralling Spock with some sort of story or legend. It must be in Old High Vulcan because I can understand not one word. All I hear are a bunch of names.
I asked Sarek what he was telling Spock just now. He informed me that he was telling our son of his place in history. Sounds like he was reciting the "begats," the genealogy. Hmph. Well, I'll just have to look up my own family tree and get equal time!
Ee-Chiya was properly introduced to our son when we finally returned home from the circus that was Spock's birth. It is amazing how very gentle this lumbering creature can be. He gave this new cub of ours a good sniff, then took up he place as sentry at the foot of Spock's crib. Ee-Chiya comes in handy, too! He always is the first to inform us when our darling needs his diaper changed.
There is only a page left in this book, so I will leave room for Sarek to "have the last word," as it were. I'm glad that we both wrote our thoughts and our feelings (Yes, feelings, Sarek!) into this volume. This was a journey we took together. It was long, and it was hard; at times it was frustrating and even frightening. But as I look at my little boy now snuggled contentedly in his father's arms, I know it was well worth it.
I look forward to the new journey we are beginning. I want Spock to thrive, to grow into a person with the best of both worlds. I want to experience with him each new discovery. I want to see him grow to adulthood and to someday know the ecstasy of holding his own sweet child in his arms.
It's my turn to hold Spock as Sarek gets the last word. I love you, Spock!
When I look into your eyes, my son, I do not see the arduous trek Amanda and I took to get to this moment in time. As I look into your eyes, my son, I see not the past but the future.
I have told you of your ancestors. You come from a long and noble line of peacemakers, all the way back to Surak. May their wisdom guide you your entire life.
As your father, I am duty bound to keep you safe, to keep you warm and fed, to educate you and teach you an honorable trade. It is my desire that you will one day work at my side as we foster peace in our galaxy.
I will give you the tools you need to first foster that peace in your self. Only when you are at peace can you bring peace to others.
Thrive, my son. Grow in peace and prosperity. Come to me when you are in difficulty and I will see you through it. Come to me with your questions and I will help you find answers. Come to me with your discoveries and we will learn together. Come to me for solace or for celebration. Never fear to come to me, little one.
This book is now at an end. When the time is right, your mother and I will give you this journal. Please forgive my emotionalism. Perhaps when you are a father, you will understand how your logic can be uncertain where your children are concerned.
Mene sakkhet ur-sevah, Spockam.