Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of Paramount/Viacom. This story is the property of and is copyright (c) 2009 by SterJulie. Rated G.

Intent

Ster Julie

I have come to realize, come to accept, that all my life I have been looking for substitutes. All my life, beginning with my birth. My parents' arms replaced the security of my mother's womb. Sarek held me many times my first year, and he especially held me or touched me whenever I was sick. Amanda held me in her arms at every opportunity my first, formative years. When Sarek told her to withdraw from me as I grew older, she would only hold me when Sarek was not watching. This continued until I asked her to stop as I began to follow the way of c'thia in earnest in preparation for my kahs'wan.

Part of that preparation involved me taking over Ee-Chaya's care more and more. One day, after a particularly difficult day at school, I found that Ee-Chaya's tongue was an excellent substitute for Amanda's fingers in wiping the evidence of tears from my cheeks. His ears heard all my woes without judging me. Ee-Chaya became my best friend until that day he gave his life to save me from that lematya in the desert.

Then I was alone again.

But then Sybok came into my life. I had a brother. I had a sympathetic, listening ear. I had a friend, a real friend who would encourage me and support me without judging me and finding me lacking. He didn't tell me what to do but he helped me to discover truths and knowledge on my own. And when my path would stray, Sybok would help me retrace my steps until I discovered my error.

All too soon, Sybok was ripped from us, from me. I was inconsolable. I had no one to see me through my pain. Ee-Chaya was dead, Sybok was exiled, Mother was off-limits, and Sarek was compensating for what he saw in himself as failure as a parent by keeping me on a short tether and demanding me to be more controlled than any Kolinahr master.

What could I do? I rebelled. Every chance I got, I would run to the mountains and pour out my heart to the stones and the stars. No matter how many scoldings, reprimands or punishments Sarek dolled out to me, I returned to those mountains.

I continued to go through the motions at school until one day when a teacher pulled me aside. He said many things but I only remembered one word--Starfleet -- and everything, as Mother would say, clicked into place. I could continue to pour out my heart to the stars and advance as a scientist and search for Sybok.

Starfleet became my substitute family. Captain Pike became my substitute father and later Captain Kirk became my substitute brother. Even Doctor McCoy was a substitute. It seemed that I argued with him just as much as I ever argued with T'Pring.

But all was fleeting. Pike was lost to me when I took him to Talos IV. McCoy married Natira, Kirk accepted a promotion to the Admiralty, and I never found Sybok.

I found myself rootless and in so much pain. I had grown dependant on others instead of finding the tools to cope inside myself. I blame myself for causing my own pain, for dallying with emotions and not truly following the way of c'thia.

And so, Servants of c'thia and Masters of Kolinahr, I formally ask to be admitted as an aspirant to gol that I may study thy ways and so that I may purge myself of my emotions, of all which keeps me from attaining true peace.

I await thy response.

Spock cha' Sarek, cha' Skonn, of the line and the House of Surak

END