Disclaimer:  Star Trek is the property of Paramount/Viacom.  This story is the property of SterJulie and is copyright (c) 2005 by SterJulie.  Rated PG.



Ster Julie


"I was told I could find you here, Doctor McCoy."


Kirk, McCoy and Scott all looked up from their table in the Mess Hall.


"You look like hell, Spock," McCoy observed.


"Very astute, Doctor," Spock retorted.  "I have a headache."


McCoy stood and passed his ever-present medical scanner over the Vulcan.  The doctor was sure that the first officer had healed from the slight concussion Spock had received when his head hit the Bridge railing in a recent battle.  /This headache is probably just a residual of that,/ McCoy thought.


As Spock winced from the high-pitched whine of the scanner, McCoy noticed two things: 1.  Spock was indeed fine, just not as fully healed after his recent head trauma as the doctor had hoped, and 2. The Vulcan's eyes were closed /What an opportunity!/ McCoy winked at Kirk and Scott.


"Well, of course you have a headache, Spock," he said, "considering what you just went through."


"I have no memory of 'going through' anything, Doctor," Spock said with some dismay.


"D'ye not remember the bonnie lass?" Scott asked.


"Bonnie lass?" Spock repeated.


"Och, the one that popped outa nowhere on the bridge," Scott replied.  "The one that stole yer brain!"


Spock's eyebrows reached for the ceiling.


"He wouldn't remember that part, Scotty," Kirk added, picking up the tale.  "She had knocked us all out, Spock," the captain continued, "and when we came to, Bones here called me to Sickbay.  He had found you on total life support, with no brain.  Scott found an ion trail and the chase was on.  We followed it back all the way to this frozen rock of a planet where the men lived above ground in the cold and the women lived in quarters below the surface."


"But what need had they of my brain?" Spock shook his head at the absurdity of that question.


"Why, to run their computer, of course," McCoy declared, as if he was stating the obvious.  "The computer ran all the environmental controls in the underground dwellings."


"Where the women lived," Spock said trying to follow the absurd story.


"Yeah, where the women lived," McCoy repeated, faltering on the story and looking to Kirk for help.  "Why don't you pick up the story from there, Captain?"


Kirk's eyes bugged out as he tried to come up with something plausible.


"Well," he stalled, "the women were gorgeous, of course."


"Of course," they all echoed, throwing Kirk momentarily.


"Yes, gorgeous," he continued, "and they lived comfortably in these underground dwellings with light, heat, and air, all controlled by a computer run by your brain."


Spock blinked.


"The illogic of what you are telling me is making the pain in my head worse," he stated.


"What was amazing, Spock," McCoy continued, "was that these people were all dumb as posts.  We figured that none of them were smart enough to take your brain."


"Aye," Scott chimed in, "but then we saw that woman from the bridge.  We thought that since she had taken your brain she could put it back, but she turned out to be dumber than a stone and twice as dense."


"I insisted that she put your brain back in your head anyway," Kirk said.


"I was still alive?" Spock asked.


"Not only were you alive," McCoy added, "we brought you with us." McCoy turned to Scott.  "Tell Spock how you did it, Scotty."


Scott nearly choked on the mouthful of coffee he had just swallowed.


"Well," he said, fumbling for words, "Ah don't like ta brag."


"Tell him about the hat," McCoy prompted.  Scott looked at him blankly as he searched for inspiration.


"Oh, the hat!" Scott said at last.  "Well, 'twas hardly a hat.  'Twas an artificial brain."


"An artificial brain," Spock repeated.


"Aye," the engineer confirmed.  "Wi' the remote control, we could make you stand, sit, walk an' all." Scott gave McCoy a wicked look.  "'Twas all we could do to keep the doctor here from making ye dance a jig!"


"Why would you animate my brainless body?" he asked, after first shooting McCoy a dark look.


"Why, ta keep ya wi' us!" Scott cried.


"You took my body on a landing party?" Spock asked, incredulous.  /Was there nothing these humans wouldn't do?/


"We wanted to be sure and have your body nearby when we found your brain," Kirk answered.


"But, I thought I was on total life support," Spock observed.


"You were," McCoy interjected, "but when she took your brain, she left your brain stem, and once that kicked back on we were able to take you with us."


Spock paused as he considered this entire ludicrous tale.


"So if she, like all the people of this planet, was as unsophisticated as you say," he began.


"Stupid, Spock," McCoy interrupted.  "They were all just stoo-pid."


"How was she able to steal my brain without slaughtering me," Spock replied, "travel to her planet, install it in this machine, and successfully return my brain to me if she was as stupid as you say?"


"Aha!" Kirk said, finger in the air.  "Bones, tell Spock about 'The Teacher.'"  Bones looked at him blankly.  "Never mind," Kirk said.  "I'll tell him.  Spock, whenever these people needed to become intelligent, they lowered this bowl shaped device over their head."


"Another hat," Spock observed.  Kirk shrugged.


"You could call it that," Kirk said, rubbing his chin, "but it looked more like a Klingon torture device.  Anyway, they would lower this device on one person's head, and the computer would fill her head with all the knowledge she needed to complete her task.  In this case she had to know how to pilot her ship, intercept us, steal a brain, return to their planet and install said brain into their computer.  When the task was over," Kirk threw up his hands, "the knowledge left her."


Spock crossed his arms, deep in thought.  /Bless him,/ Jim thought.  /He's buying this cockamamie fish story hook, line and sinker!/


"So, Captain," Spock continued, "knowing of your fondness, and success, with debating against machines, I assume you convinced this 'bonnie lass' to return my brain to me, essentially denying the people their life support for the underground dwellings?"


"We told them that they, the men and the women, need to work together on the surface," Kirk said, "build houses to protect them from the elements.  We left a small team behind to help them get started."


"And then she returned my brain," Spock deduced.  Kirk looked at thevothers.


"Nooo," he stalled, "not exactly.  "I couldn't convince her."


"And neither could you, Spock," McCoy inserted.  At Spock's confused look he added, "Somehow, we were able to converse with your brain by using our communicators."


"Really," Spock mused.  "So who then restored my brain?" McCoy raised his hand.  "You?" the Vulcan asked with mild alarm.  Kirk gestured proudly to his CMO.


"Bones here put The Teacher on and obtained all the knowledge he needed to do the job," the captain declared.


"Aye," Scott confirmed, "everything went like clockwork, until of course when the doctor started ta forget what ta do."


"What did you do then?" Spock asked.  McCoy rubbed his jaw that was aching from holding back a laugh.


"I was forced to reconnect your mouth," the doctor said with difficulty, "so that you could tell me what to do."


Spock studied each of the men before him.  Aside from the illogical tale, something was not quite right.  As he studied them intently, he began to grow suspicious.  Kirk was gritting his teeth, making the muscles in his jaw twitch.  If Scott opened his eyes any wider, the orbs themselves would fall out of his face.  And McCoy looked far too angelic.  The captain leaned close and whispered to Spock.


"April Fool!" he said, adding a quick peck on the cheek.


"I see," was all the Vulcan said.


Then it started.  First a rumbling from Kirk, then a snicker from Scotty, and finally a guffaw from McCoy.  Kirk soon dissolved into his trademark machine-gun laugh and fell back into his chair, knees to his chest and arms around his middle.


"I'm sorry, Spock!" he cried between fits of laughter.  "It's just ... just, you looked so damn serious!"


Spock slowly closed the distance between himself and the captain.


"I am always serious, Captain," he replied ominously.  "I thought you knew that."  With that, Spock leaned close to Kirk's ear and whispered something for his hearing alone.  Kirk looked at him in shock.  "Always serious," the Vulcan added darkly before leaving.


"Damn," Kirk replied, his jocular mood quickly replaced by a sense of doom.  McCoy and Scott crowded close.


"What'd he say, Jim?" McCoy asked worriedly.


Kirk swallowed before repeating, "'Revenge is a dish best served cold.'"


The three officers turned wide eyes to the Vulcan's retreating back.


Although his face was carefully controlled, Spock smiled inwardly.  He had pulled the best April Fool's stunt on them all.  Kirk, McCoy and Scott would be looking over their shoulders for days, wondering when this 'revenge' would take place, and that would be revenge enough.


/Revenge may be illogical,/ Spock reminded himself, /but it is sweet indeed!/