DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Paula Smith and is copyright (c) 1987 by Paula Smith. Originally printed in Galactic Discourse #5.
This is Norman.
He is an android.
Android, android, android.
We know he is an android
Because he has printed circuits in his belly button.
- He is a navel computer.
Norman is diverting the Enterprise off course.
Diverting, diverting, diverting.
Captain Kirk is not thrilled.
He doesn't find Norman all that diverting.
This is the ruler of the android planet.
His name is Mudd.
... Or will be when Kirk gets through with him.
Harry Mudd has broken out of jail.
"Seeking liberty," says Harry.
He has stolen half a dozen patrol ships.
"Freedom of the starlanes."
And sold fake patents to his mother.
"Entrepreneur, Kirk, entrepreneur."
Now he intends to liberate Kirk's ship.
Liberate, liberate, liberate.
Obviously Harry is a great believer
In free Enterprise.
This is Stella Mudd.
She is Harry's wife.
Or a reasonable facsimile thereof.
She comes complete with
On-off volume, color tuning,
And a vertical hold.
Thing, thing, thing...
Harry is very pleased with her.
Pleased, pleased, pleased.
At last he has a wife that is really built.
This is the Alice series.
Tweet, whistle, clap.
This is the Oscar series.
Hubba, hubba, hubba.
This is the, heh heh, Annabelle series.
Nudge, nudge, nudge.
Harry Mudd has produced and programmed them
To his exact specifications.
Exact, exact, exact.
NBC could do with a producer like that.
See Lieutenant Uhura.
The androids are offering her a deal.
Deal, deal, deal.
She can have eternal youth,
And a peanut butter sandwich.
They will put her brain
Into a compatible robot body.
- Sort of a prefrontal robotomy.
Don't lose your head.
See Ensign Chekov.
He is bored.
Bored, bored, bored.
See him sit on Mudd's throne.
And make like the chairman of the bored.
Here comes Alice 128 and Alice 322 to cheer him up.
This is good for Chekov.
Good, good, good.
He always did like to play the numbers.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Harry's flight has been cancelled.
The androids figure the galaxy has enough problems
Without throwing Mudd at them.
Kirk and his crew can't leave, either.
Escape, scram, vamoose.
Sigh. Heinlein it ain't
Here, it's a little difficult
To dig a Tunnel in the Sky.
Here come the crew of the Enterprise.
They are going to befuddle the androids.
With wild, insane illogic.
With strange, incomprehensible non sequiturs.
With excerpts from the third season scripts.
He's dead, Jim.
See them dance for the Alices.
See them sing for the Alices.
See them do for the Alices.
The same old song and dance.
Now the crew plan to break in on Norman's concentration
- What you might call a Norman invasion.
Charge, charge, charge.
"Logic is a little tweeting bird," says Spock.
"Logic is a wreath of flowers that smell bad."
He ought to know!
T'Pring says he's a pretty poor lei himself.
Well, Kirk triumphs again.
Thus proving that virile humanity,
Joyful exultation of life,
And top billing
Have it over rationality every time.
To keep Harry in his place,
Kirk has 500 Stella robots created.
Harcourt, Fenton, Mudd!
Which was a mistake.
Now what's to keep Harry from embarking
On yet another interStella adventure?