NOTE: Star Trek is copyright by Paramount and Viacom. This is a work of non-profit fan fiction and no copyright infringement is intended. This story is copyright 2000 by Jade Nocturnias and may not be posted, distributed, or linked to without my consent.



I Never Knew

Jade Nocturnias



I never knew…

What would happen if I looked back at her. Into those blue eyes that radiated love and light; beacons in an ocean, welcoming and warning. I couldn't risk it. I turned the ship away, so to speak. Changed the course, sailed to another port, a safer harbor of logic and detachment. Never to step foot upon that shore.

I never knew…

If her declaration of love was truly real, or an offset of the virus. Humans can convince themselves of many things. I have no doubt that she loved me. But the extent of that love or when it truly began was something I could not explore or ponder too closely. Feelings begin that way.

I never knew…

If I would have taken her during my time of mating. My body burned, my heart ached. To say I felt nothing for her would be to lie. But how could it have been genuine? How could I have let it be? All I was, for all she was… no. Too much fear. Fear of love, of feeling, of pain, of failure. More running, as fast as I could go. Being afraid can make one quite swift indeed. She never saw me coming, much less going.

I never knew…

How badly damaged we both would be over the kiss. A worse torment could scarcely have been picked. I sometimes wondered after that if it was the punishment fitting the crime; I had ran so much from her, only to be forced to be so close to her. I felt her pain; I felt my pain. But then I no longer cared about mine; I only wanted to ease hers. I meant it when I said I was sorry. I truly did. I closed my eyes when our lips met. They burned with our shame. But I would not have shamed her further by keeping them open.

I never knew…

That I loved her. Not as I know it now. When I could no longer deny it to myself I went to tell her, only to find her gone. She had transferred off the ship earlier that day; two months before our mission ended. She left me a letter. When I finished reading it my face was wet. She said she couldn't take it any more, that she had to put her life back together and get over me. Enough was enough. But she was not sorry she had known me and loved me. She would treasure the memory of me.

And with that, she was gone. And all that might have been gone with her. But she is not to blame. The fault is mine. I can offer no defense. I didn't know I would ever need one.

I never knew.



THE END