DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Roberta and is copyright (c) 2002 by Roberta. This story is Rated PG-13.
With a swollen face and red eyes, Amanda once again set out to inform her son of his father's death. It would not be fitting for him to find out about it through official channels. However, she could only hold the press release off for so long. As she hit the comm unit in her husband's office, she glanced at the prepared statement. It sounded so morbid and unlike the Sarek she knew and loved. Once again, the tears streamed down her eyes. "Oh, God, why did not you tell me, Sarek?" she cried as she clutched her husband's robe around her tighter. Once the comm unit beeped its readiness to reach her son, she coded in the correct call letters for the USS Enterprise.
After a few minutes she was faced with a lovely black female, "USS Enterprise, Lt. Uhura how may I help you?"
"I must speak with Commander Spock right away. It concerns his family," Amanda said as she tried to hold a smile.
"Right away, ma'am." She turned to Spock at his science station. "There is an incoming call for you, from Vulcan," Uhura said as she looked to Spock.
"Transfer it to my viewer," Spock replied as he raised his eyebrow. He wondered what could be so important; he knew he would see his parents in less than three days for the Babel conference. When the call was transferred to his station, he noted his mother's tired look and her eyes that were red with tears. "Mother, is there a problem?"
"Spock, your father…" Amanda looked at her son's face in the viewer, seeing so much of Sarek in him, and began to cry. "…has died."
Spock looked at his mother in disbelief. "How can this be? You were to board the Enterprise in 2.67 days."
His father, the man he had not spoken to for eighteen years was dead.
He had spoken to his mother less than a week ago and she said his father was acting oddly but otherwise fine. Deep inside he always hoped he could find a middle ground; now that hope was dead alongside his father. "Mother, I grieve with thee, however, I must return to work. We will speak more once I arrive on Vulcan." He hated to let his mother go like this but he could not chance the emotional outburst that was building within him.
Amanda knew all too well this was her son's way of dealing with painful emotions. "I understand, Spock, but I am forwarding this memo your father left for you." She keyed in the memo and sent it to her son's personal message account.
"I will return home when we stop at Vulcan to pick up the new Ambassador," Spock said as he watched his mother's distressed face.
"Very well, my son," she said, wishing she could say more but he was Vulcan by choice and birth. All she had left was her son and she loved him dearly, but before she would embarrass her son, she disconnected the comm unit. The rest of what she wanted to say would have to wait until he came to see her.
Spock took a deep breath before turning from his station to face his captain and friend. "Permission to return to my quarters?"
Kirk smiled slightly. "I think that would be acceptable, Spock." Whatever he could do for his friend, he would do. He knew what had happened to Sarek even before entering the bridge; Starfleet command had informed him there would be a slight delay on Vulcan as the Ambassador slated to join the conference had died suddenly, and that the new Ambassador was off planet and would be returning right away. He could not help but be concerned for his friend especially after he had been informed of the relationship between his first officer and the now-deceased Ambassador Sarek.
Before Spock left the bridge Jim told him, "When we arrive on Vulcan, take the time we are at the conference to spend with your mother."
Spock could think of only one reply that would fit now. "Thank you, Captain."
* * *
"…Live Long and Prosper … my son." Spock turned numb as he played his father's words to him. Never before had he seen regret on the stern face of his father.
Spock sat tall in he seat. He was Vulcan. Vulcans grieved but they certainly did not cry. Yet, that's what Spock did, not for the death of his father, but for the eighteen years of silence that had become between them, neither wanting to bend to the other's wishes. As Spock hit the replay button, he watched his father's face.
Sarek's face looked worn and in deep pain, his voice showed the great effort it took to breathe. "Spock, logically, if you are viewing this, I have succumbed to the heart defect I was diagnosed with 2.52 weeks ago. This will be a trying time for your mother; her grief will be great, as is the human nature. As her son, it will be your duty to help her through it. Spock, your mother will not need the Vulcan you have chosen to be, she will need you to be strong yet loving … yes, loving. I deeply loved your mother … it was most unfortunate that it took the threat of death for me to tell her. In my life, I caused you to think I was not proud of you, my son. I was proud of you. I did not agree with your choice but I was proud. Live long and prosper … my son."
Spock was feeling so many emotions at once: the anger of eighteen lost years -- not only with himself but also with his father, fear -- that he could not be the son his mother would need, grief -- of the loss of his father, a man that he, as a child, idealized. How could he be a Vulcan and have such strong emotions surface? With that final thought, he gave way to the most powerful emotion he held in check -- rage. He removed the disk that contained his father's message and threw it, shattering it against the wall. He screamed, "How dare you, Sarek!" How could his father think so little of his mother as not to tell her he was so ill?
* * *
"Jim, I don't know what to think. Spock is even more out of balance now then when he was in pon farr," Bones said, as they sat in his office. "Whatever happened between him and his father hit him harder then he wants to admit."
Jim looked at the doctor. "Bones, he is going to have to work this out himself. Hopefully when we get to Vulcan, the time he will spend with his mother will do them both some good. I plan to let him take the time off while we go to Babel. Lord knows he's earned it."
The doctor smiled as he took a drink of his brandy. "He's got, what, a good nine months of shore leave time earned he hasn't used. But if he can't come around, Jim, I am going to have to recommend a physiological evaluation."
Jim's eyes widened. "Do you really think it's that bad?"
"Jim, his Vulcan half has never been taught how to handle death the way his human half needs to," McCoy said as he looked at Spock's profile. "You know, Jim, why is it neither of us knew that 'The Ambassador Sarek' was his father. I knew his father was an ambassador but not that he was one of the Federation's most well known ambassador."
"You're not alone there, but Spock's bio just says his father was an ambassador ... the only reasons I can think of is that either Spock didn't want special treatment or things where so bad with his father at the time he didn't want to be known as his son," Jim offered.
* * *
Spock spent as much time in his quarters as he could, the idea of people coming up to him and saying sorry about your loss was just too much. Thankfully, he only had five hours until he would be on Vulcan.
For his mother's sake, he would have to make peace with his father, but how? How could he ever make peace with a dead man? After he dealt with his initial rage and anger, all he had left was the grief and fear which where coupled with a new emotion -- guilt. Guilt washed over him the instant his rage left; he had destroyed the last thing his father left for him. "Father, why? Why did you die?" He felt as if he was four years old all over again and it had been misreported his father had been killed. With a deep sigh, he laid back on his bed and attempted to mediate until they reached Vulcan.
* * *
Spock had beamed down to his parents' garden, expecting to find his mother there. She always worked in her garden when she was upset. For once, she was not there. "Mother," he called out as he walked to the house.
Once he stepped inside, he noticed someone was in the middle of packing. He called out once again, "Mother?" As he stood in the doorway to his parents' room, he noticed her figure sitting in the rocking chair. "Mother?" She wore Sarek's robe he married her in. Her hands clutched the robe tightly across her body.
Amanda looked up at her son, her hands still tightly clutching the fabric of the robe. With a half smile she replied, "Spock, oh, it's good to see you." She rose to greet her only child.
"Mother, you are leaving Vulcan?" he asked as he noticed her things packed neatly on the bed.
Amanda looked at the crates around the room. "Yes, this place holds too many bad memories for me."
"Bad memories?" Spock asked.
"Spock, I lost your father here, as well as your sister. And it was in this house I lost my son for eighteen years."
"Mother, it is illogical to blame a house for painful memories," Spock told his mother as he raised an eyebrow.
Her eyes became an almost black in color as they widened in anger. "I am tired of hearing about logic; logic cost me your father! Logic and that damn Vulcan dirty word pon farr!"
Spock was not sure what to say or what to do, so he did what his father used to do and took his mother into his arms, wrapping her tight. "Mother, let us grieve together." Part of him understood why she wanted to leave. Long ago, she had told him, Vulcan was her home as long as Sarek was there.
Amanda rested her head on her son's shoulders. She closed her eyes and tired to fight the tears that wanted to stream down her face yet again. "I'm sorry, Spock, I know my emotions must be too much for you," she said as she pulled herself away from her son. As much as she wanted him to hold her tight, it was not the man he was. Her son was Vulcan and would always be Vulcan.
Spock looked at his mother, puzzled when she pulled away from him. She never pulled away from his father. "I want to help you…" His mind went back to a time when he was permitted to express feelings for his mother and once again wrapped his mother tight. This time she returned his embrace and allowed herself to cry on his shoulder.
Once she was out of tears, she backed away. This time he released her and gazed at her. He really wanted to know what happen to his father, all he was able to find out is his heart gave out. "Mother, how did Father die?"
Amanda looked at her son. How could she tell him what happened? She did not want to talk to anyone about it. Sarek's healer knew but did she want her son to know his father died because his heart could not handle the stress of pon farr? It was bad enough he chose to keep her in the dark about his condition. Now she had to talk about the one fact of Vulcan life Sarek had always asked she not talk to her son about.
"Spock, your father could not handle the stress placed on his heart when the chemical imbalances of his time came upon him."
Spock hadn't considered the effects of pon farr; he did, however, recall the way his own heart had pounded so rapidly in his chest, especially when he considered a female. His memory flashed back to a vision of Nurse Chapel and T'Pring, they had both caused his heart to increase its beat. Sarek's bond to his mother could very well have caused his heart to continually beat in a manner that was unhealthy. Yet, to discuss the details of one's time was not proper, even among family. Spock thought it best to change the subject matter and had noticed how thin his mother appeared since his last visit.
"Mother, may I get you something to eat?"
Amanda looked at her son; it was the first time since he was five years and made her breakfast in bed on her birthday, he offered to make her something. She knew her son could cook; it was a skill she thought he needed to learn, even if his father had not agreed. She smiled at the amount of things she and Spock did when he was small that were against his Vulcan upbringing. "Spock, I would like that," she said as she smiled at him.
"Then come, I will make us both something to eat," he said as he walked out of the room to where the food preparation area was.
Amanda followed her son silently and watched as he gathered the items to make her favorite dish. It was as close to Chinese as she had been able to get on Vulcan, yet it held twice the punch.
Spock cut each of the vegetables that would go into this dish and looked at her as he prepared the kewez pepper. The peppers where three times hotter then any found on Earth. "How many do you desire?"
He remembered as a child his mother had been able to eat them in moderation. Amanda looked at the peppers and then to her son. "Four. Any more than that and even you, with your stomach, would regret it later." She smiled as she remembered how he had once decided to try to see how many he could eat at one time and ended up in the bathroom the next day.
Spock raised his eyebrow at his mother, knowing she referred to his over indulgence of the peppers at the age of twelve. It had been most embarrassing to have to return home from school, when he felt his stomach burning. He had been relieved that he was able to return to his home before the effects of the peppers kicked in.
"Yes, Mother, it would not be 'enjoyable' to repeat unpleasant reactions."
Amanda didn't mean to laugh but she found it just came out naturally. "Oh, Spock, I'm glad you're here."
"Mother, I too am relieved I was able to make it home. I regret my duties kept me away so often," he told her as he finished preparing the meal. It was pleasant once again to hear her laugh, he always though she had a particularly nice laugh. To hear it now during a time when she was hurting, only showed she was not so overwhelmed by her grief.
* * *
After they had finished eating and Spock had cleaned the mess, he sat with his mother in the garden. "Mother, may I ask, if it is not too personal, what Father told you prior to his death?"
Amanda looked at her son, and smiled. "You refer to his message to you about being loving?"
"In a way. Father said, 'I deeply loved your mother' and he told you as much upon his death," Spock said as he watched her for any sign of reluctance to speak of this. His mother, however, unlike his father, didn't consider anything to be too personal to talk to him about and he knew it. "When I was younger, he made it a point to make sure I rejected my human side. Yet he tells me in his last words to me he loved you."
Amanda smiled at her boy. She knew one day this was bound to happen. Her son questioning his father's logic when it came to her. "Spock, your father was the most loving man I have ever known. He did not always express his feelings openly but I knew he loved me. When he was dying, he was free to express the depths of his feelings."
"But it is not Vulcan to love," Spock declared.
"Then explain why you are here?" she said, amused by her son. "There hasn't been anyone you would like to bond with?"
"Mother, I was bonded at seven. Now that I am free to choose my own path, it is too late," he said as he thought of all the females that had walked in and out of his life. There was only one that was still a constant presence, and he always managed to push her away as well.
"Spock, it is never too late to say 'I love you' unless you never do," she said as she reached for his hand.
* * *
Spock spent the three week period the Enterprise was gone helping his mother pack. He had to admit he enjoyed the time he was able to spend with her. However, once it was time to return, he knew what he had to do to follow his mother's advice. He didn't want it to be too late to find out what the love of a woman truly meant.
Turning into the department the woman in question worked in, he walked behind her and turned her to face him. "I love you too," he said before he kissed Christine Chapel in front of Dr. McCoy and Capt. Kirk.
Stunned she looked at him and smiled. "Wow, that was some kiss…"
Once Spock released her, he looked at her. "Perhaps, you are still favorable to a relationship?"
"Me want a relationship with you? Of course I want a relationship!" she said as he studied her face. She noticed how he seemed oblivious to the doctor and captain. "But, if you don't mind, I have work to do."
"Then I will allow you to return to your work. Perhaps we can dine tonight in the officers mess?" Spock said as he glanced at the doctor and captain, who both stood with their mouths hanging wide open.