Scripts That Didn't Quite Make It...

by Cheree Cargill

First Season

"The Sand Trap" -- Kirk has trouble playing golf

"Charlie Q" -- a young refugee from the Continuum comes aboard

"Where No Man Could Have Gone Before" -- someone steals the key to the women's locker room

"The Naked Rhyme" -- Sulu tries to sell his poetry by posing nude

"The Enema Within" -- McCoy runs out of Ex-Lax and has to resort to more drastic measures

"Studd's Women" -- in interstellar playboy comes aboard with his harem

"How Do Big Girls Make Out?" -- illicit tale of Kirk's love affairs

"Marri" -- an ugly spinster tries to catch a husband from among the Enterprise crewmen

"Dagger in the Behind" -- McCoy sits down on a scalpal

"The Complicated Maneuver" -- Kirk's adventures with a new yeoman on the way to his cabin

"The Management" -- the Enterprise is repossessed when Kirk falls behind in the rent

"Consequence of the Kids" -- Kirk is slapped with paternity suits on seven different planets

"Balance of Tupperware" -- Uhura gives a Tupperware party

"Shore Freed" -- the entire crew is turned loose on the wildest pleasure port in the galaxy ... and is thrown off for obscene conduct

"The Gullible Seven" -- confessions of seven yeomen who believed that Kirk actually wanted to show them his stamp collection ... in his cabin ... at 1:00 a.m.

"The Square of Gotham" -- Batman comes aboard

"Arrested" -- Spock is busted for smoking plomeek

"Tomorrow was Yesterday or Vice Versa" -- all the ship's clocks stop

"Court-Married" -- Chekov is forced into a phaser wedding

"The Return of the Acorns" -- a light-fingered squirrel is finally apprehended

"Space Sued" -- the Romulans sue the pants off Kirk for impersonating a Romulan officer

"A Taste of Oregano" -- Christine attempts a new flavor of plomeek soup

"This Side of Poughkeepsie" -- Spock is infected with a skin fungus that makes him fall in love with the left warp engine

"The Devil in the Dark" is Kirk

"Errand of Percy" -- a new ensign tries to find the bathroom

"The Alternating Current" -- Scotty accidentally cross-circuits the warp engines with Spock's black lite and the ship blows up

"The City on the Edge of Fairbanks" -- harrowing adventure across the snow as the crew attempts to get Kirk a genuine Baked Alaska

"Operation -- Aggravate!" -- Stella Mudd comes aboard and drives Kirk instane with her constant nagging

Second Season

"Runamuck Time" -- unable to respond to an ancient Vulcan mating urge, Spock commits hari-kari with a thumbtack

"Who Cares About Adonis?" -- Sulu's attempt at a classical literature class fails

"The Stripling" -- Chekov spends his entire shore leave in a Rigel 2 strip joint

"Hairbrush, Hairbrush" -- Spock's hair is slightly mussed

"The Artichoke" -- the story of Sulu's botany class

"The Maytag Machine" -- the ship's washing machine breaks down

"Catsclaw" -- McCoy brews another one of his potions

"I, Studd" -- the playboy returns to challenge Kirk's title

"Metanephros" -- McCoy finds a word even Spock can't explain

"Journey to Bagel" -- Sulu opens a delicatessen

"Friday's Brat" -- Robinson Crusoe's manservant brings his screaming kid aboard

"The Dreary Yeats" -- Sulu gives classical literature another go

"Obsolete" -- Scotty learns that the Enterprise has been junked and has been sold as a garbage scow on Sirius 12

"Wolf on the Bridge" -- Kirk and Chekov vie for the title

"The Trouble With Dribbling" -- Sulu's attempt at an interstellar basketball team flops

"The Gamesters of Triceratops" -- McCoy is trapped into a never-ending poker game with intelligent dinosaurs on Aldebaran 3

"A Piece of the Heartburn" -- Spock eats too much plomeek soup

"The Community Syndrome" -- Chekov sets up a commune in the deck 6 rec room

"A Private Little Skirmish" -- trapped in his cabin, a yeoman fights off Kirk with a chair

"Return to the Store" -- Kirk's corset is too small

"Patterns of Simplicity" -- Christine tries to make a Vulcan negligee

"The Amoeba Glory" -- McCoy finds a race of intelligent amoebas but Christine sterilizes that slide before he can tell anyone

"The Ultimate Calculator" -- answers that age-old question: "Can a computer calculate faster than a calculator can computer?"

"Bread and Butter" -- Kirk raids the galley for a midnight snack

"Assignment: Dirt" -- Sulu forms a geology class

Third Season

"Spock's Vain" -- Spock's hair is slightly mussed

"The Enterprise Initial" -- the ship is monogrammed

"The Pair-o-Dice Syndrome" -- McCoy is compelled to shoot craps with Lt. Arex, who cheats

"And the Children Shall Scream" -- Spock is placed under sedation after fighting his way out of a crowded department store on a Saturday

"Special on the Gin" -- McCoy finds a new liquor store

"Is There in the Cabinet No Bourbon?" -- Kirk runs out of whiskey

"Day of the Pigeon" -- McCoy rooks Spock at poker

"Elaan is Trouble" -- a militant women's libber comes aboard

"The Cowpath" -- on a primitive planet, the landing party searches for the bull that ran off with all of Kirk's Colt .45 malt liquor

"The Tangled Web" -- Christine tries Vulcan knitting

"For My Head is Hollow, and I Attract Flies" -- McCoy discovers that a dead rat has been causing that dreadful smell in the med lab and not Christine's cooking of plomeek soup on the bunsen burners

"Pluto's Stepchildren" -- old Disney films are shown

"Blink of an Eye" -- Kirk loses one of his contacts

"That Which Survives This Idiocy" -- Kirk punishes a group of mutineers by forcing them to watch 12 straight hours of Lost in Space reruns

"Let That Be Your Last Bubblebath" -- Kirk runs out of Avon

"Whom Gods Ignore" -- a group of Hare Krishna come aboard

"The Mark of Giddy-up" -- McCoy treats Kirk's callused backside after the Captain is forced into an eight-day horseback riding safari among the wine vats of Crux 8

"The Trials of Sitar" -- Uhura takes sitar lessons from Lt. Arex

"The Way to Nirvana" -- Spock shaves his head, dons a loin cloth, and begins to contemplate his navel in response to an ancient Vulcan head-shaving, loin-cloth-donning, and navel-contemplating rite

"Requiem for Mozart" -- Sulu tries to interest the crew in classical music

"The Backstage Curtain" -- Kirk brings down the house -- literally -- with his role in the monthly shipboard play when he becomes entangled in the scenery half-way through the third act

"All Our Days (Yeah!)" -- Spock flips over a Neanderthal woman who has been accidentally transported into the future

"Turnabout, Intruder!" -- Kirk catches a burglar stealing his collection of girlie magazines