DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Lilith Sedai and is copyright (c) 1999 by Lilith Sedai. This story was written for the enjoyment of the author and no infringement of any existing copyright is intended nor is any profit realized or expected. One copy of this story may be downloaded for the sole purpose of the reader's use and may not be copied or reproduced in any form whatsoever without the express written consent of the author.
INTRODUCTION TO MST3K
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" was a long-lived television show featuring a guy whose bosses had shot him into space and made him watch cheesy movies so they could monitor his mind. He built robot companions. Together they sat through and commented on movies and short features ranging from "Gamera" to "Swamp Diamonds" to band instrument commercials.
INTRODUCTION TO FANFIC MST3K:
This has been a controversial topic on A.S.C. I don't know any of the standard conventions because I don't follow A.S.C. closely, so don't be surprised if this isn't quite in accordance with Stephen Ratliff's (official Trek Fic MST Liaison for A.S.C.) standards. Basically, one takes a fanfic piece and comments on it as per the MST3K TV show. This offends some authors so I'm not going to do it to fanfic that I know was written by somebody on the list. MST segments will be set off from the original story text either by **asterisks** or with ----- segment dividers.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MST3K:
Some of the jokes here will go over your head. That's to be expected, even people who are avid Misties may miss some references. If a joke confuses you, just skip it. Hopefully you'll find that you can enjoy the ones that are coming up next. Also, non-Misties may wish to skip the segments that have nothing to do with the story text. If you've just GOTTA know what an obscure joke refers to, email the Mystery Science Fanfic 3000 Information Club at email@example.com with your quotation and question.
With that said... turn down the lights, where applicable!
MYSTERY SCIENCE FANFIC 3000
In the not too distant future
Next Friday AD
There was a fanfic writer
Little different from you or me
He lurked on the list called Spock/Christine
And he was hoping to read a good fanzine
He did a good job keeping a straight face
But the listmoms didn't like him
So they shot him into space!
"We'll send him sappy stories
The worst we can find! (la la la)
He'll have to sit and read them all
And we'll monitor his mind!"
Now keep in mind he can't control
How the stories begin or end
He'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his robot friends:
Robot roll call!
Gypsy! ("Hi, guys!")
Tom Servo! ("Hello there!")
Crooooow! ("That's one O!")
If you're wondering who he pisses off
And other feedback facts
Then repeat to yourself "It's just a spoof!
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Fanfic Three Thousand..."
(Scene opens on the Satellite of Love. The gang of four are at the table around a board.)
Servo: It rolled off the board, I get to roll again.
Joel: Oh, hey! Joel Robinson, trapped in space. The bots and I heard about the new Star Wars Monopoly game. We can't get down to Earth to buy it, so we made our own out of the parts from "The Killer Shrews" game.
Crow: Nothing doing, Tommy! I can see it flat ON the floor, and it's a three, and that means you're takin' a li'l tour of Cloud City, my man. 5000 big ones!
Servo: (sighing) OK. Gypsy!
Joel: (whispering to camera) Gypsy has to be the banker, 'cause we've had a little trouble with -- embezzlement -- in the past...
Gypsy: (opens mouth, with tray of paper money inside) Ngggghhhh!
Joel: OK, it's my turn, Daddy needs a new pair of Snowtrooper shoes Ah! Right on Talos Four! And I own it, gentlemen! (Joel sits back, smugly.)
Tom: Waitaminute -- Talos Four wasn't in Star WARS!
Crow: Yeah, what're you trying to pull, Joel?
Tom: Hey, look, Vulcan's on here, too!
Crow: And Genesis Two! That wasn't even in Star TREK, Joel!! What gives?!?
Joel: (as Crow and Servo argue over the board, sotto voce): Yep. Think I'm gonna buy me some bottom land...on Mars...gonna get me a commercial sign...
(commerical sign -- we get "American Cheese, great snack idea: Grill it up and slice it up so little fingers can pick it up!" And that damn Roly-Kit. "My kids call it the Roly-Poly!")
(Scene opens at Deep 13)
Dr. F: We here at Deep 13 noticed that fanfic writers just don't have the time to find an acting couple who have any real ZING in their relationship.
Frank: They *try* to create that certain tension, but no matter what they do, it just ain't there. They flirt, nothing happens. They tease, the crew falls asleep. They go necking in the bluescreen shuttle, get stranded on a hostile planet--
Dr. F: THANK you, Frank. I think they get the picture. The point is, who has time to find a couple that works?
Frank: WE sure don't.
Dr. F: That's right, Frankie. And that's why we've invented, The Li'l Sexual Chemistry set. Just add the blue powder in packet A to the liquid in beaker B, pour it over your principle players (pours it over a picture of Joyce Kilmer-Whalley and Timothy Dalton as Rhett and Scarlett in the GWTW sequel, a smoke arises) and PRESTO! (the smoke clears, and the picture is one of Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable, in the original GWTW)
(Back to the Satellite Of Love:)
Joel: That's great, sirs! Because after two people in a movie use your invention, they can spice up the rest of the relationship with this, Badinage in a Box!
Crow: How often have you been in an exciting little situation with that special someone, but it was ruined because you couldn't think of anything to say?
Servo: Ooh, let me try, Joel!
Joel: OK, little bitty buddy.
Servo: (takes out a piece of paper) So we've only got five seconds to live -- I never liked long engagements! (general heh heh heh laughter)
Joel (pulls out a slip): I usually don't mix business with pleasure, but in your case --
Crow (pulls out a piece): It is not logical to resist our natures.
Joel & Servo: Huh? Wha?
(back to Deep 13)
Dr. F: NO, Frank! Stop that! It won't work on Bruce Willis and Andie McDowell! (turns to screen) The experiment this week is a little piece of fanfic called, "The Logical Thing to Do!" Once more into the warp core breach, dear friends --
Joel: (reading one last strip) But this is serious, Troi!
All: Oh no, we've got FICTION sign!
(Dolly in through opening doors sequence)
(Joel, Tom Servo, and Crow plod in and sit down.)
The Logical Thing to Do
**Crow: Hey, this is the title of at least 5046 fanzine stories. Maybe it should go under, "Famous Titties."**
by Franny Moore-Kyle
**Servo: Franny MOORE, Franny Moore, steals from the poor, gives to the rich, dum dum dum, dee dee dee, dum dum dum...**
**Joel: Granny Fanny Nesselrode Rides Again.**
Spock sat alone in his quarters. Each night for a month, he had secluded himself, eating his meals (when he did eat) at his desk, spending nearly twelve hours every day
**Joel: at work. Spock was a graduate student, you see --**
deep in meditation. The room was dark, lit only by the flame held by the small shrine
**Crow: to MANOS! He'd only had the shrine a small time, but already his knees were ten times bigger!**
at the far end of the sleeping chamber. Its dull red glow gave a satanic appearance to Spock,
**Crow: See? MANOS!**
whose pointed ears and upwardly slanted eyebrows completed the illusion.
**Servo: He still had not quite mastered the prehensile butt-walk that would really complete it.**
Spock leaned on his elbows as he sat behind the desk, facing the door. His hands were steepled, both index fingers straight, creating a point of focus for his almost glazed eyes.
**Joel: "Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door, and see all the people!" Spock chanted. That just never got old for him. He tried to do it at least five times a day.**
He was deep in a meditative trance. His conscious mind was turned completely inward. Although his eyes were open and staring at the tips of his fingers, he saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. His mind was elsewhere.
**Servo: His mind was buying used cars at Buford and Lawhon's Toyota. $400 down, $100 a month!**
Christine Chapel was also in her quarters, alone. She was reading a book-tape of a recently written novel.
**Crow: John Norman's Wet-Nurse of Gor.**
She was trying to relax and forget the worries of her day. She was worried about Spock. That in itself was not unusual; she often worried about him, to his consternation. But this time, others were also becoming worried about the First Officer's recent behavior.
**Servo: The fan-dancing, the showtunes sung in the corridors...**
They had noticed his absence from any of the ship's public rooms during the evenings for the past weeks. Trying to be casual, Christine asked Kirk if he had been playing chess with Spock lately, but the Captain told her he hadn't seen Spock, except on duty, for some time. Christine's concern grew.
**Joel: It grew like a bunch of muffin batter that spills over the side when you pour too much muffin batter into one little cupcake paper.**
Spock was aware of what was happening to his body.
**Joel: He saw that film in grade school, too.**
It had happened once before, and he had learned that being half-Human would not protect him from the most dreaded of all times to the Vulcan, the pon farr, the time of mating. There was still time, he knew, before the ability to think logically would be stripped from him, to make what would be the most important decision of his career, and of his life.
**Servo: Would he take his vacation now, or wait until later in the season?**
It was still early in the evening,
**Servo: FIRST thang I remember, I was lying in my bed, I couldna been no more than one or TWO (doot doot doot doot, da da doo doot doot doot)**
no later than twenty-one forty hours, when Spock came out of his self-induced trance.
**Joel: He'd told himself to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!**
He had come to the final, logical conclusion of the problem.
Rising from the chair, he went to the head and splashed cool water on his face, to complete the awakening process.
**Servo: and to rinse out eye boogers. He was aware that those could be a real turn-off.**
Feeling as refreshed as was possible while the tension still built within him, he turned on the intercom.
**Crow: He cleared his throat, and began. "I'll take you home AGAIN, KATHLEEEN --"**
"Nurse Chapel," he said. In Christine's cabin, the intercom whistled.
**Joel: She blushed, and slapped the intercom. "Fresh!"**
"Yes," she answered, not knowing who was calling. Spock suddenly felt nervous for the first time in his life.
**Servo: Ever. We mean it. This is the first time he ever felt nervous. Even traveling through the birth canal, he was totally cool and calm and collected. Spent puberty doing crossword puzzles. **
He cleared his throat, and as his face appeared on her viewscreen, he said, "Miss Chapel, there is something I need to discuss with you. May I come to see you?"
**Joel: "No, you can't borrow any more of my socks. I've run out of replicator coupons, and besides, it's just plain old weird, Spock."**
"Yes, Mr. Spock, please do." She was puzzled at Spock's request. There were other things, too, that puzzled her. His tone of voice, the expression on his face,
**Crow: the light blue Warner's bra he wore over his head**
and the very fact that he had asked to see her was out of character for the always very Vulcan Mr. Spock.
**Servo: But then, this was fanfic. Hell, he might even show up in a gladiator's costume.**
"Thank you. I will be there in a moment." His face disappeared from the screen, and Christine sat back behind her desk, switching off the viewer that was still projecting the book she had been trying to read.
**Joel: Every time I start to finish Naked Lunch, she griped to herself...**
No more than the moment he had promised passed before Spock arrived at Christine's cabin.
**Crow: He'd bought some Acme Rocket Boots from the Coyote, and his feet were smoking.**
She opened the door quickly when he pressed the buzzer. "Come in, Mr. Spock," she said quietly, as the doors slid open. She looked at him closely, for the first time in weeks.
**Joel: The restraining order had precluded any close looks, in paragraph 5, section D.**
Her nurse's eyes could tell that he had lost weight, and that he was under some kind of stress.
**Crow: Her woman's eyes saw that his pants had obviously shrunk. Her inner child's eyes noted that he wasn't likely to help her play Barbies that evening.**
Since it had been quiet on board the Enterprise for some time,
**Servo: except for that green giant hand, and Abe Lincoln floating in space.**
while they were on a routine patrol, she wondered what kind of strain he could be feeling.
**Joel: Again, her woman's intuition told her that those pants had something to do with it.**
Spock, in his nervousness, said nothing as he entered the room. Christine was also nervous. This was the first time that Spock had been in her quarters, or for that matter, in the quarters of any woman on the ship.
**Crow: However, he'd been in and out of almost every crewman's room we could mention.**
**Joel: All right, Crow. That's a time-out for you, buddy. You're coming with me.**
(Joel hauls Crow out of the fanzine by the hockey mask. Servo follows. Dolly out through door effect and cut to the inevitable "My name is Buzz, and I'm a bee," "Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher," and "Sports Illustrated" commercial interlude.)
(Scene opens on Joel and Servo standing at the desk. Crow blubbers noisily in the corner. Servo has Spock ears pasted on his dome and is in a smoking jacket. Joel is in a short blue middy and wild blonde wig.)
**Joel: I dunno about this, Tom.**
**Tom: Aw, gee, Joel, come on. It'll be fun. Go ahead. You know-- do the dialogue I wrote.**
**Joel as Christine: (unenthusiastically) What can I do for you tonight Mr. Spock?"**
**Tom: Oh, Joel, do the VOICE!**
**Joel as Christine: (in falsetto) What can I do for-- no, this isn't right, Tom. Majel Barrett's an alto. I really don't think--**
**Tom: (whines) Just read the lines!**
**Joel as Christine (in bored but breathy alto) What can I do for you, Mister Spock?**
**Tom as Spock: (a la Christopher Walken as "The Continental") Ah.. so it is you, my dear. Welcome to my little... heh heh... how shall I say, nest of love? (leans and tries to reach for Joel's hand but can't as his arms don't work. Joel reluctantly takes Servo's hand.)
**Joel as Christine: (bored) But you came here. These are my quarters.**
**Tom as Spock: But that is such a triviality! Come, would you like some fine "sham-pan-ye?"**
**Crow: (still whimpering) Watch it, Tom, he'll get you, too!**
**Joel as Christine: No, I really have to get to work early in the morning.** (pushes his wig out of his eyes)
**Tom as Spock: Ah, you play the shy one, my little flow-air! You are so timid, like a trembling rabbit. But I shall teach you how to give free rein to your tempestuous passions. Allow me to feast my eyes on your sumptuous decolletage." (makes smoochy noise at Joel's hand)
**Joel: (as himself) That's it. (yanks off Servo's ears) Time out. (drags Servo away forcibly)
**Tom: NO! NO!! NOOOOOOO!!!
**Crow: (turning and ogling Joel) Mmm! Groovy gams there, nurse.**
**All: (lights start flashing) OH WE'VE GOT FICTION SIGN!!!!!**
(Dolly in through opening doors effect. The gang wanders in.)
**Joel: I'm never wearing panty hose for you again, Tom Servo. (they sit)**
"Won't you sit down?" She broke the thickening silence.
**Joel: She took a handy knife and cut out a thickening silence donut, just like Scooby Doo once did. It was groovy.**
She had brought the other armchair into the living area, placing it facing the one usually there. They both sat down facing each other, just a few feet apart.
**Crow: In the Kama Sutra, this was known as the $100,000 Pyramid position.**
"What I must say to you... Christine," he nearly stumbled over her first name. "Will not be easy," he continued. "I have... noticed... over the years we have known each other, that you have certain... feelings ... for me."
**Joel: Mentally, Christine quoted M.R. James. "Dots are considered by many authors to be a substitute for good writing. Let us have some now................................."**
**Crow and Tom: Dotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdotdot--**
**Joel: OK, guys, that's enough.**
He spoke disjointedly, as if the words were far away, and had to be searched for and captured before he could speak them.
**Crow: He emphasized this effect by yelling, "GOTCHA!" before each sentence.**
I've made no secret of my feelings for you, Spock, but have kept to myself all this time, because... She paused.
"Because I could not, or would not, return them," he finished for her.
"Yes," she said, almost in a whisper.
**Servo: Oh, heck, let's face facts. It WAS a whisper.**
Spock tried to assume a formal tone of voice as he said, "If you will remember, some years ago, when you made me some plomeek soup..."
Her face softened as she recalled the almost tender encounter between the two of them when Kirk had defied Starfleet's orders and took Spock to Vulcan, and she had made plomeek soup for him.
**Crow: And he'd nearly brained her when he screamed and flung it in her face.**
**Joel: (sarcastically) It was such a tender memory for her.**
Remembering the visit to Vulcan, some seven years earlier, made Christine realize why Spock had been keeping to himself, why he had lost weight, and she began to understand why he had come to her this night.
**Servo: And suddenly, the filmy nightgown he'd worn made sense.**
"Christine, I..." He stood, the tension still building in him. "I have thought about this... our situation... for some time. It is the first time in my life I have made a personal decision that depended on someone else." He turned away from her, trying to compose himself. He turned back to her,
and quickly sinking to his knees at her side, he took her hand in his, and said, "Christine, will you marry me?"
Spock..." Her voice held the same tenderness he had often seen in her eyes.
**Crow: She smiled, gently. "Never in a million years, you sadistic freak."**
She reached her left hand to his face, gently stroking his cheek. "I have dreamed of this moment, Spock. I..."
**Crow: "I -- I sort of hoped we'd be naked, but --"**
Tears came to her eyes. "I would be honored to be your wife."
**Joel: "Except, you see, hell hasn't frozen over yet, and so we'll just have to wait. Now get out of my second-best chair."**
She bent her head towards his, and lifting his chin with her fingertips,
**Servo: she punched him in the face.**
gently kissed him. "It must be soon, Christine. It has been coming for many days."
**Crow: "What has been coming?" she asked, puzzled. "OH. That. Oh. Never mind."**
His voice sounded somehow detached from his body.
**Joel: It floated around the room and got in the lamp. Spock had some trouble trying to get it out again.**
Soon, I will be unable to control myself, and will..." The thought of the plak tow made him uneasy. To treat Christine in the animalistic manner he knew he would, disgusted his sense of dignity and decency.
**Servo: Not to mention tidiness.**
"I accept you, Spock, and all that you are. That is what I mean when I say that I love you." Christine spoke with a whole-hearted innocence that belied her understanding of the pon farr and the plak tow, and the many other ways of the Vulcans.
**Servo: And belied the fact that she'd been limbering up for months, just in case.**
Spock was touched by her faith in him. At any other time, he would have discounted her words as illogical emotion, but now, after the weeks of meditation and introspection, he understood.
**Crow: Especially after he realized that the last few weeks especially, he'd been meditating on her ass.**
**Joel: Hey! HEY!**
Finally he knew that the emotions within him were not as hideous as he had believed, but that they were what raised the man, or the Vulcan, above the beasts.
**Servo: He considered the ancient works of John Norman, and found the answer *there.* **
Now, at long last, he could say what he had for so long feared to admit, even to himself.
**Joel: "I really can't sing very well." There! The sense of confession buoyed him considerably.**
"Christine, no matter what happens between us, remember, I do love you." He bowed his head to rest on their hands, still joined on the arm of the chair.
"I know, Spock. I think I have always known."
**Crow: "When you did that little dance of victory in the transporter room after my fiancee was killed, I was suspicious. When you body-slammed me against the wall, I was sure."**
If Spock's proposal had surprised Christine the night before, it surprised Jim Kirk even more when Spock asked him to perform a marriage ceremony for them as soon as possible.
**Crow: "Spock, I'm flattered!" the captain blushed.**
**Servo: "You do not understand, Jim, I do not want *you* to marry me--"**
**Crow: "I wonder if a white or ivory gown would look better with my complexion?"**
**Joel: Kirk twirled before the mirror in his cabin, humming a bit of Brahms.**
With difficulty, Spock explained to his closest friend. "It is the pon farr again, Jim. It will come soon, and I have reasoned out the necessity and logic for this."
**Crow: "Should I wear a veil or not? I think a veil would mess up my hair, don't you?"**
"I have become aware that I have loved Christine for a long time. I can finally admit it, to others as well as to myself."
"I don't know what to say, Spock. This is a request I never expected to get from you." Kirk shook his head.
**Crow: "So it's over between us, then?"**
"I'm sure it's made Christine happy."
"She seems to be quite happy about it. It must have been very difficult for her, these ten years we have known each other."
**Servo: "Actually, it's nine years, but I'm counting 2436 twice. Woo hoo!"**
"I must say, it has not always been easy for me, either."
**Crow: "However, I have made the interesting discovery that for myself, as a hybrid, blue balls are, in fact, turquoise. I have made a note of it and sent my findings to the Vulcan Science Academy."**
Many of the experiences the two men had shared in the fifteen years they had served together would fit the description Spock implied.
**Joel: They can be painful. A perfect male-bonding topic.**
There had been many times that Kirk had wanted to reach out, to help his friend,
**(Crow whistles innocently, eyes rolled heavenward.)**
but the walls Spock had built around himself were substantial and solid.
**Servo: In fact, one might say he lived down in the bottom of a Ce-ment Pond of the soul.**
It had taken all this time for the Human half of Spock to chip away at his Vulcan walls, thus allowing Spock's true self to emerge.
**Joel: Turns out he was the chrysalis for a giant cockroach.**
"Will tomorrow be soon enough?"
"Yes, Jim, that will be fine."
Kirk would swear that he saw Spock almost smile.
**Joel: But then, Kirk would swear that his own hair was real.**
Dr. McCoy dropped the Feinberger scanner he was holding over Ensign Garrett's broken leg. "What?"
**Crow: "Chicken butt!" Ensign Garrett replied. Dr. McCoy then shoved the Feinberger scanner up the redshirt's nose, as in accordance with Starfleet regulations.**
"I said, 'Mr. Spock has asked me to marry him, and I accepted,'" she repeated, retrieving the scanner and handing it back to the Doctor.
"We'll be married as soon as the Captain is able to perform the ceremony." She busied herself assisting McCoy with his treatment of the broken bone.
When they were finished, and Garrett was helped into another room by a technician, McCoy took Christine to his office and poured some Saurian brandy. "This calls for a drink. I think I'll prescribe some for myself for shock, and for you for strength."
**Joel: And some for the readers, too. They're falling asleep and need a direct neural stimulant!**
He raised his glass to her. "I believe the proper toast is 'To the bride!'"
**Joel: Actually, it's 'What's the word, Thunderbird!'**
**Servo: What's the price, forty twice!**
"I wish you happiness always, Christine." He drank the glass of brandy. "Thank you, Doctor." She drank the brandy. "I have something important to ask of you. Will you give me away?"
**Joel: McCoy poured another glass. "Are you gonna have that crappy band at the wedding?"**
"It will be an honor and a privilege."
Later, Spock came to McCoy with another request.
**Crow: "Would you throw me a shower? We need some more dishes."**
"I asked this of you once before, Doctor, and you were kind enough to accept. Will you stand with me once more?" Once more, McCoy agreed to stand with Spock at his wedding.
**Servo (singing) STAND in the place where you live, think about pon farr and wonder why Franny used it for "G"..**
The entire crew of the Enterprise was no less surprised by the announcement of the impending marriage.
**Servo: But then, the fact that Kirk wore a toup was equally surprising to them.**
Only a few of Spock and Christine's closest friends were to attend the actual ceremony,
**Crow: since they'd have to do it on the floor like crazed weasels.**
while the rest of the crew could listen via the shipwide intercom. Fewer than fifty people were sitting in the ship's Chapel
**Joel: GET IT??**
**Crow: mommymommy, my headache is tumming backkkk...**
at fourteen hundred hours the following day. Kirk and Spock entered, wearing their dress uniforms, and stood at the front of the room. It was filled with an eerie yet tranquil tone,
**Servo: it sounded like, BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!**
to which Christine and Dr. McCoy entered and approached the lectern where Spock and the Captain stood. The music was familiar to Spock. In fact, it was his own composition, played by him on his lyrette, and had been recorded by Uhura years before. The melody was soothing, and she had once
thought to put words to it, but never did.
**Crow: He did, actually, but by this time even he was embarrassed by Maiden Wine.**
When Christine and the Doctor reached the front of the room, Uhura stood and joined them, so that there were four standing before Kirk.
**Servo: One, two, three..yeah. It's four all right.**
McCoy stood to Spock's right, and Uhura to Christine's left. Spock and Christine joined hands.
**Crow: Turns out, *that* was Vulcan sex. Now Christine's suing for breach of foreplay.**
"This is a joyous moment for me," said Kirk. "Not only am I happy to join two of my crew together in marriage, but two who have loved so long, and so much, as Spock and Christine Chapel have."
**Joel: (sarcastically) "When she smacked him across the face, when he threw her against a wall, those are the kind of memories every couple should have."**
He paused, then went on:
**Servo: He *was* portrayed by Shatner, after all.**
"I must ask each of you if you pledge yourself to the other as long as you both shall live."
Spock and Christine looked into each other's eyes and answered as one.
**Crow: "No, we're here to buy Tupperware. Of COURSE we pledge. GEEZ."**
"As the stars shine and time moves on, so I pledge myself to you."
**Servo: Turns out, Vulcan wedding vows were written by the Shirelles.**
Kirk looked at McCoy. "The ring?"
**Crow: It's MINE IT'S MINE GOLLUM GOLLUM GOLLUM!!!"
McCoy slipped the ring from his little finger and handed it to the Captain.
**Joel: He was then arrested for violating TV Wedding Rule #183, that the best man must get the ring stuck on his own finger, and/or lose it before/during the ceremony, thus providing yuks.**
Uhura took a larger ring from her thumb and also gave it to Kirk. He looked at the rings; they were both plain gold bands, but with the circle and triangle of the Vulcan IDIC on each.
**Crow: Only $49.99, available in the Lincoln Enterprises catalog, no longer available.**
A small diamond gleamed from the point of each triangle.
**Servo: Hey, it's the Diamond Encrusted V-Shaped Mummy Type Thing!**
"There is symbolism in these two rings that transcends your differences, and binds them together into a single entity as you do today, with your lives."
**Crow: "To further point out the symbolism, Dr. McCoy is going to remove Spock's head and transplant it to Nurse Chapel's body, right after the ceremony."**
Spock took the smaller ring from Kirk's hand and placed it on Christine's finger. "Parted from me, yet never parted, never and always, touching and touched, we will be one with each other."
**Joel: "You will pay my parking tickets. When I eat ice cream, your face will be sticky."**
Christine took the larger ring and placed it on Spock's finger. "Parted from me, and never parted, never and always, touching and touched, we are one with each other."
**Servo: Isn't that from that book, Codependent Some More?**
"As Captain of this ship, I am pleased to declare that Spock and Christine are husband and wife. May they always have happiness."
**Crow: "Or a low Visa bill! Ha!"**
As Captain, Kirk was the first to claim the traditional kiss from the bride.
**Servo: And the first to get his area separated from his groin.**
Uhura, as bold as ever, managed to plant a kiss on Spock's surprised face.
**Joel: It was the blatant tonguing that surprised them all.**
"Congratulations, Mr. Spock, sugah."
**Crow: Ooh, I think that *somebody* got the Blooper Tape in their Christmas stocking.**
"I admit, I never thought I'd see the day."
**Crow: "I even had a bet going with Scotty that you weren't straight."**
"Thank you, Lieutenant," he answered, to her surprise.
McCoy and Scott led the line of all the guests in congratulating the couple.
**Servo: Waitaminute, there were only four people THERE, what gives?**
Spock submitted to an occasional kiss from the women,
**Crow: especially since he was bound and chained, and the women had whips.**
**Servo: Will you cut it out with the Gor references already? Geez!**
but Christine was kissed by each of the men as well as by each of the women.
**Crow: Her whip was the grandest of *all.* **
**Servo: I'm warning you, Crow!**
McCoy had arranged, using his role of surrogate father of the bride as an excuse,
**Servo: to hold a shotgun on Spock throughout the whole of the ceremony.**
for a reception for the entire crew. The party lasted the rest of the afternoon and most of the evening,
**Joel: during which Klingons, space Nazis, and the cast of I Am a Camera took over the ship.**
but eventually Uhura noticed that Spock and Christine were nowhere to be seen, and mentioned it to Scotty.
**Joel: They just CAN'T be having sex, Uhura thought.**
"Wha' di' ye expect, lass?" asked Scotty, very pleasantly drunk. "'tis their weddin' night. E'en a Vulcan's entitled to his weddin' night in peace."
**Crow: "Doon try ta weasel out o'tha bet, lassie! 'E's straight, and y'owe me 50 nicker!"**
The party went on without the guests of honor.
**Joel: and despite Kirk's efforts to get the party moved to their room. Come on, guys. We gotta get out of here.**
(Pan out through closing door sequence-- come up on Crow in a gauzy white wedding ensemble and the wild blonde wig, spitting veil. Tom stands nearby holding a Bible and reading "Genesis" in his best Shatner. Gypsy is Uhura, with a huge false eyelash and eyeliner. Joel has the Spock ears in his hand.)
**Joel: I'm sorry, Tom Servo, but I don't see why we have to keep acting this one out. It's painful enough just having to read it.**
**Servo: (as Shatner) Because... there are... fourofus! ...And... there were... four. Peoplein... the... wedding. Scene!**
**Gypsy: I get to be Lieutenant Uhura, sugah!**
**Crow: Pah, ptah-- (clearing mouth of layers of veil) Come on, willya, Joel, before I suffocate in this stuff. (muttering) Just because you wouldn't wear the panty hose...**
(Joel hooks the Spock ears over his own and stands next to Crow)
**Joel: (cupping fake ear in one hand) What? Huh? (Crow snickers)
**Servo: (as self, to Crow) Shut up, Westworld! (back in Shatner) We are..*gathered*...here
**Crow: Hey, Joel, does this mean that I'm Lumpy Rutherford's mom, now, too?
**Joel: I dunno, Crow -- that's a pretty neat idea --
**Servo: All right, FINE. Let's just...cut..tothe...vows...Spahhhhhk?
**Joel: Um, OK. (as Nimoy) Parting from me, and never parted...and..um..parting is such sweet sorrow..uh...parts is parts...
**Crow: It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to --
**Servo: STOP IT!! Just...STOP...it. Why I ever wanted to marry you two in the first place...
(Servo stomps offscreen. The others look at each other for a few moments. Joel reaches for Crow's head)
**Joel: OK. It's my turn to wear the wig.
**Crow: No way! (they struggle over the wig, as Gypsy gets Commercial sign! This time, it's the woman squeaking because her fascist husband drank all the Nyquil in the house, "WHY?!?!", and an entreaty to buy that Holiday Classic you've never heard of, Annabelle's Wish...It's about a baby cow named Annabelle, and the perennial "Jay Jay the Jet Plane.")
Spock and Christine had not gone to their quarters, but to the park section of the recreation area.
**Crow: Because they were going to be parking. GET IT??**
Side by side, they walked, seldom speaking,
**Servo: See, it's like they've been married for years!**
as the bond between them grew stronger. She could feel the tide of the pon farr rising in him, almost see it in his mind.
**Joel: You know, I'll bet the windmills of his mind have sticky floors.**
In a whisper only she could hear, Spock said, "It is time."
**Servo: Time for Timer! They'll hanker for a hunka cheese! YAA-HOO!**
Silently they left the park, and quickly made their way to Spock's cabin, now theirs.
**Joel: He had thoughtfully placed a line of tape down the center of the cabin, and installed bunk beds.**
At the door to their quarters, Spock lifted Christine into his arms and carried her into the room.
**Crow: He dumped her on the floor, and went to the fridge for a beer. It was what every girl dreamt of.**
Through the living area and into the bedroom he bore her,
**Servo: though the 'comic' grunting and gasping noises he made as he carried her only made her that much more determined that he was NOT getting oral sex tonight.**
**Crow: Oral sex! Oral sex!**
**Joel: (smacking Crow) Naughty Zoot!**
and placed her gently on the bed. That morning, a larger, double-sized bed had been installed and Christine's things brought in.
**Crow: He'd had no idea she collected human bodies, nor that she kept them in jars by the bed.**
"This," said Spock, "is our home, my wife."
**Joel: "Clean it up," he added. "I work all day, is it too much to ask for a clean house when I come home?"**
"Always, my husband," she answered as he touched her face and their minds began to join;
**Crow: then broke abruptly as she shouted, "Hey, how did *you* know that Mariette Hartley has two navels?"**
Spock soon entered the state of plak tow. Even as Spock's passions and drives were loosed upon her, his deep love for her was expressed with the tenderness of a sonnet.
**Servo: The Guns of Will Sonnet.**
**Crow: Have Gun, Will Shakespeare.**
Not since she and Spock had shared the same mind, in order to drive the evil Henoch from his body, had Christine known such mental closeness.
**Joel: "GAH!" she yelled across the mental plains. "You're on MY side of the cerebellum!"**
Never had she experienced the combined intimacy of body and mind that she and Spock now shared.
**Crow: "Scooch OVER, for god's sake!" she fumed.**
**Joel: A mind meld is a terrible thing to waste.**
Christine began to awaken as Spock pulled the light blanket over her and held her close to him. She could feel the heat radiating from his body, keeping her warm and comfortable.
**Crow: She idly considered hollowing him out, and using his body as a parka.**
She closed her eyes and let herself return to sleep. Soon he, too, slept.
**Servo: She slept, he slept.
**Joel: We ALL slept.**
Hours later, Christine slowly awakened,
**Crow: she glanced over to the other side of the bed. "I went home with YOU??"**
remembering fully the passions they had exchanged before.
Spock was still in the deep sleep of one totally exhausted.
**Joel: And snoring the snores of a confirmed mouth breather. Who'd have thought it?**
She began to turn over, but was stopped by the sharp, stabbing pain in her side.
**Crow: Omigod, she thought, he sleeps with a spatula.**
She laid still, breathing as deeply as she could without irritating the possibly broken rib.
**Crow: I can't believe he sleeps with a spatula.**
Moving quietly so as not to disturb Spock, she reached for the medikit behind the head of the bed. When she opened it, she saw that McCoy had anticipated Spock's great strength.
**Joel: Why else would he have put a can of spinach in there?**
There was not only the usual scanner and standard hypospray, but also a field-issue trauma kit. With the scanner, she found that she did, indeed, have a broken rib.
**Crow: Michael Ironside treated it by making her head blow up.**
By the feel of it, though, there was no dislocation or puncture of the lung; she had only to mend the bone.
**Servo: Oh, and break one of HIS ribs, so they'd be even. She lifted the medikit above her head like a sledgehammer --"
The sound of the scanner, however, awakened Spock.
**Servo: She lowered the kit and hid it behind her back.**
Although still in the pon farr, the plak tow was over.
**Crow: Though he did sense a little morning plak tow..**
"Have I hurt you?" he asked, seeing the scanner in her hand.
**Joel: A scanner in the hand is worth two in the -- never mind.**
Looking at her, their clothing strewn about the room,
**Crow: the holes in the ceiling,**
he could see the bruises on her fair skin, most of them on her shoulders, neck, and breasts.
**Joel: These were from the wedding guests, yesterday.**
"I have a fractured rib." There was an awkward feeling between them, as if they were seeing the other in a new way for the first time.
"I am sorry." He softly caressed her shoulder. "Is there pain?"
**Servo: "That's not a caress, that's an Indian burn!" She hit him with the medikit, but he didn't seem to notice.**
"Not too much. I can stop the pain and heal the bone quickly."
**Joel: "I'll just use my magical Electra Woman powers, here --"**
She took the hypospray from the medikit and set it for the drug developed for such injuries. It was a mineral supplement, a local anesthetic, and an enzyme to stimulate bone regeneration.
**Crow: It was a Tums antacid.**
She handed it to Spock. "Here, over this mark."
**Joel: X marks the sexual injury.**
The broken bone was causing a small swelling and redness.
**Crow: The burning, the itching...**
Spock made the injection, and saw the pain reflected in Christine's face disappear. "How long will it take?" His concern for her was evident on his face, once unmoved by even the deepest emotions.
**Crow: Plus, there was that little morning plak tow to take care of --**
**Servo: AIGH!, he thought, but managed to suppress it.**
He arose from their bed and collected their uniforms from the floor, unembarrassed by
**Servo: the grass stains**
his nakedness as he moved in the dim redness of the room's only light.
**Servo: (singing) O-oh SAY can you SEEEE--**
**Crow: Yes I can, actually.**
**Joel: Talk about your buffalo shots! Are you sure this is rated G?**
**Servo: This is worse than Catlow!**
Even in the darkness, Christine could see long, thin lines of green running the length of Spock's back.
**Crow: "Dear, why'd you get a pinstripe tattoo?"**
She looked at her hands and saw the traces of Vulcan blood on her fingernails. "I see that you are not unscathed, either. Come here, and I'll treat it." Spock reached a hand over his shoulder and felt the deep scratches. His eyebrow rose. "Obviously, you were quite... enthusiastic."
**Crow: Sex has made him pause like Shatner!**
"No less so than you were." She smiled at him.
**Crow: Joel, this can't be rated G.**
He sat on the bed, his back towards her, and she sprayed antiseptic on the scratches. "It seems Dr. McCoy was quite prepared for our needs," he said.
**Servo: "Right down to that camera in the headboard. Wave hi, honey!"**
"He knows how strong you are, Spock. He thought I might be hurt even more. Look at the kit he packed." She showed the field-issue kit to him. "I could treat an army with this."
**Crow: Spock leaned towards the camera again. "Thank you for the vote of confidence, doctor."**
"The good Doctor worries too much," Spock said as he leaned back on his elbows. "Now, you rest."
**Servo: "You just lie there, and think of Aldebaran."**
"The good husband worries too much, too." But Christine did as told, closed her eyes and went back to sleep. For a long time, Spock lay on the bed and looked at his sleeping wife.
**Crow: He made faces at her to make sure she was asleep.**
Now, finally, after all the years of his life, he began to understand his father. He now knew how, and more importantly, why, his father had married, and stayed with, his mother.
**Joel: Imagine, getting to make a mess like this in his cabin, and NOT having to clean it up!**
After a time, when he was sure Christine was asleep and in no pain, he slept again.
A week later,
**Servo: A *week*? They haven't changed the sheets in a week? EWWW!**
Spock returned to his post on the Bridge. He had regained the weight he had lost and no longer appeared as gaunt and haunted as before.
**Crow: "Christine makes Mr. Blinky stay right in that closet!" Spock happily announced.**
"Welcome back, Spock," said Kirk, smiling at his First Officer. "Marriage seems to agree with you."
**Crow: Spock gravely replied, "Actually, Captain, I believe it is the sex." The crew guffawed.**
Everyone on the Bridge was grinning like cats who had eaten canaries.
**Servo: They even had feathers and bird guts hanging off their lips.**
"Thank you, Captain. It does. We would like to thank you and the rest of the crew for your thoughtfulness."
**Joel: "And for giving us a cut of the money you made out of selling Dr. McCoy's tapes of the honeymoon."**
Spock turned to his scanners, ready to get back to his work. "You're quite welcome, Mr. Spock." Suddenly Uhura said, "Captain, Mr. Spock, I have a transmission from Vulcan coming in. Personal for you and Miss Cha... uh... Mrs. Spo...
**Crow: Miss Cha and Mrs. Spo -- they're cops.**
**Servo: HOOKER'S A GOOD COP!!!!**
for you and Christine, Mr. Spock."
"From Vulcan?" Spock raised an eyebrow. "I did not contact..."
**Servo: "Oh no, my other wife!"**
Uhura interrupted. "Regulations require that the home planets of those married in space be notified, as well as Starfleet Headquarters, sir."
**Crow: They do NOT. Uhura's just hoping that they'll give her any extra toasters they get as a gift.**
"Of course. Will you ask Christine to come to the Bridge?"
**Joel: Now, he wondered, how to tell her I never divorced T'Pring...**
Spock had not decided how he would explain his marriage to a Human woman to his father. He knew, instinctively, that his mother would understand. When Christine arrived on the Bridge,
**Crow: she was wearing a clown suit. "NO!" Spock yelled. "Hold the transmission!"**
Kirk said to Uhura, "On screen, Lieutenant."
Spock made no move to accept the message in private. The face of Amanda Grayson came on the screen, every bit as lovely as Kirk remembered her.
**Servo: Kirk felt a grip on his shoulder. "One thought about my mother, and you get the death grip, Jim."**
Behind her, he could see a shadow, belonging, he supposed, to Sarek.
**Joel: Sarek was making bunnies on the wall behind his wife.**
"Mother," said Spock. "And Father," he added as Sarek came into view.
**Crow: "Hello mudda, hello fadda, Here I am at, Starship Grenada -- " his voice faded as his father frowned.**
"Spock, we have been informed you have married. I accept her into our family." Sarek spoke formally in the ancient ritual.
**Joel: "We're sending you a toaster, son." YES!, Uhura shouted to herself.**
"That is correct, Father. May I present Christine, she who is my wife." Spock raised his hand in the Vulcan gesture and Christine joined him, crossing her fingers with his. Kirk noted the words he used were the same as Sarek had used to introduce Amanda to him several years before. That, too, must be part of the ritual.
**Servo: As must the little pentagram that Spock was drawing on the floor with his boot.**
"Yes, we remember her," said Amanda. "I am proud to welcome her as my daughter. I hope you two will be as happy together as Sarek and I are."
**Crow: Christine sensed an alien thought coursing through Spock's brain to her, as if Amanda were desperately trying to communicate something through the family bond. At last, she made out, "RUN! RUN! WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME!"**
Sarek nodded. "Thou hast my approval, my son."
**Servo: We art Amish, now.**
Amanda was so surprised by Sarek's statement that for a moment, she was unable to control her expression of delight to see her husband and son reconciled formally and finally.
**Joel: Having sex with a blonde means they'll never ever fight ever again.**
**Crow: Lesson of today's episode: Have sex with blondes. Constantly.**
Spock raised an eyebrow. "Acknowledged, sir," he said, as formally as Sarek had spoken. "And Father," he added, "It is the logical thing to do."
**Servo: Huh huh, huh huh, he said, "doo." Huh huh.**
(Dolly out through closing door sequence. Scene opens on a chart. Servo stands next to it with a pointer.)
*Servo: Anyway, the Spock romance conspiracy starts with "The Naked Time" (that's episode seven for all you non-Trekkies out there who didn't already know) and we see Spock blatantly REJECT Christine Chapel. Then later, in "Amok Time," he almost changes his mind, but not quite (Joel solemnly slides in a card displaying an overturned bowl of green soup, then removes it). After this, we have a succession of blondes, "types" of Christine Chapel if you will, heh heh. Notice how the "blonde" motif subtly implies a conspiracy, cruelly taunting Jewish actor Leonard Nimoy with visions of unattainable Aryan superiority. Spock woos and loses a succession of proud Nordic beauties: Leila Kalomi, Droxine, Mariette Hartley, Kim Cattrall--**
**Crow: KIM CATTRALL ISN'T A NATURAL BLONDE!**
**Joel: Neither is Mariette Hartley.** (Joel pats Crow soothingly)
**Servo: Well, they might as well be!**
**Crow: I think Nurse Chapel didn't bag him because Gene Roddenberry was jealous! Do you hear me? JEALOUS!**
**Servo: I know who's REALLY jealous, Cattrall-boy!**
**Joel: (over the chaotic argument forming beside him) Whaddaya think, sirs?**
(Scene opens in Deep Thirteen. Fanfic's Frank is bandaged around the torso, whining about his broken ribs. Dr. Forrester threatens him with a spatula.)
**Dr. F: Shall I caress you, Frank?**
**Frank: That's not a caress! That's an Indian burn!**
**Dr. F: Shut up, you booby! Ah! It's the Prigs in Space. Well, Master-Spellcheckers-- (Frank lifts Dr. F's hand and attempts the Vulcan family caress.) STOP it, Frank!-- did you find this week's experiment "imminently logical?"**
**Joel: Well, actually, sirs--**
**Crow: I hated it! Send more NC-17! What's with this lousy marriage thing, anyway? Next thing you know, she'll have a bratty, precocious miniature Nimoy prancing around lisping "Daddy pwomised--"* *
(Joel forcibly holds Crow's jaws shut)
**Joel: Hush, little friend, or they'll start sending Bashir/Garak stories again.**
(Dr. F's eyes glaze and he rubs his palms with anticipation.)
**Dr. F: Bashir/Garak, eh? With a little Weyoun thrown in, yes, I like it. And Brunt. And how about an X-Files crossover... with Captain Apollo from Battlestar Galactica, and those guys from Alien Nation...**
**Frank: And "Clueless!" Don't forget "Clueless!"**
**Dr. F: (in disgust) Push the button, Frank!**
"The Logical Thing to Do:" Franny Moore-Kyle
MST'ings: Li'l Susie Revok and Lilith Sedai
Bumpers: Li'l Susie Revok and Lilith Sedai
Mystery Science Fanfic 3000 Love Theme: Lilith Sedai
Formatting/Character Attributions: Lilith Sedai
Best Boy: Michael Crawford
Key Grip: Patrick McGoohan
KEEP CIRCULATING THE STORIES!!!!!
"Congratulations, Mr. Spock, sugah."