DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The poem is the creation and property of Ruby Houldson and is copyright (c) 2003 by Ruby Houldson.
My Vulcan Friend
The ship is quiet tonight. No one walks the corridors. Members of the crew have confined themselves to their quarters so they can mourn in private, the passing of a fine, upstanding fellow officer.
The heels of my boots resound down the corridor as I make my way to the Rec Room. It's too quiet here in this boat that sails across the stars. Yes. I said boat, like in fishing. Jim would strangle me if he heard me call the Enterprise a boat, but he's not here now is he? Nor are you.
Wasn't it only yesterday we walked down this very corridor together? We were agreeing to disagree about something. What was it about? Oh, hell, I've forgotten. But it has always been that way between us. You took the logical and scientific side and I took the gut instinct and humane side of the discussion or disagreement.
I must say now that I did see your point of view on many occasions. I just didn't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing I did. With Jim and his savvy wit, you with your damnable logic, and me with my down to earth point of view, there was no way any foe could beat us. As long as we stuck together, we had a hellava fighting chance against anything that was thrown our way.
Now you're gone, my friend, my vocal sparing partner. And the ship now finds itself missing its guardian angel. I always knew we'd have to say goodbye one day. But that wasn't supposed to happen for a long time down the road. I'm now a lonely traveler who has lost his friend along the way. The road suddenly became narrow and I found I couldn't turn around in order to pick you up off the ground, dust you off, and assist you back on the path we were following.
My mind shows me haunting images of times we shared as we sailed across the stars in search of the unknown and uncharted universe. I was unsure of you at first, when we first met, that is. A Vulcan? I asked. You must be crazy, Jim. In order for him to lead, to take command, he must be able to go beyond the cold, unemotional state that is the trademark of such a being. How can he ever think he'll fit in among a ship full of emotional, savage, irrational beings as we are?
Boy, was I wrong. You proved yourself over and over. But I was right…at first. Most, if not all of your actions, were based on logic and fact. You would plan a move, a decision very carefully, but then you'd find the plan would fail or was flawed and all because of one thing. Us emotional, very irrational humans didn't always play the game the same way twice. You couldn't outguess us, or other beings that behaved in the same way we did. But, my dear friend, one thing was on your side. You learned fast. Not only did you plan things logically, you also took in account of or compensated for any possible illogical contingencies.
I said it then and I'll say it again. You are…were…the best first officer in the Fleet.
I am in the Rec Room now. There is no one here. No laughter. No merriment. No clinking of glasses. No rattling of dinnerware. I stare out the window into space.
I see no guiding light. No way to hide from this, my pain. I have to come to the realization that you are really gone. But those memories of our times together, both good and bad, are emblazoned in my mind. You became a part of me many years ago. Now that part of me has been ripped from my very being and it burns like a damn cattle prod in my side. Rivers have turned red…or is that green, with your shed blood. The sun has gone nova, or at least it has in my world. Stars have lost their shine. Space has become an endless sea of ice. You are sorely missed, dear friend.
We left you to rest on Genesis. So far away. Can I reach you? Can you hear my voice from wherever you have traversed on to? Even though you've been gone only a short time, I can already see that this world is not the same without you in it. We want you back…I want you back.
You're resting. Are you at peace? Have you finally found that which you searched for all through space? Have you found a balance, equilibrium, between your conflicting halves? Do the human side and the Vulcan side now live together in harmony?
Perhaps I am wrong in doing this, but I find myself broken and I wish for you to come back to us. Is it right for me to wish you back into a world full of danger and unknowns? Perhaps a part of you wants to stay away. After all, since your birth you've faced many challenges, you've fought a raging battle within yourself. This world offers pain and confusion.
Where are you now? Is your journey as it has always been? You always followed your own unique path. Is that still the case today? You're probably off somewhere in a super science lab, gazing through a microscope, or scanning the universe and asking the Almighty why he made such flawed and irrational beings. Huh, I can hear that even now. If that is the case, the poor devil doesn't stand a chance of having even a second of peace with you by His side. Hell, I should know.
We should leave you in peace. But we can't…I can't. You made yourself a part of us. You came into our lives and endeared yourself to us…made us love you. Oh, my true friend, I never dreamed I would find as close a friend as I found in you. Hell, I might have come across as being rash or harsh and disgusted with you at times, but we were close enough that I could totally be myself around you. I valued your input and your friendship.
It's too quiet here. Too lonely. You need to come back. Not just for me, but for all those who have came to look upon you as a friend, a brother…family. Am I being selfish? Are we all? We need you in our lives, we want you in our lives you crazy, pointed eared Vulcan.
I have to sit down. The weight of this pain is great. Dear, dear, friend. Spock, my friend. It hurts. You're lucky for you don't have to feel the pain. You are free of that part of this thing called life. Where I reside there is nothing but mist, smoke, and darkness. I am alone in a nightmare. I just wish the memories of you would leave me be so I can bury myself in my pain and despair.
What will life on the ship be like now? You were always there. You were Jim's right hand man. He trusted you implicitly. He looked to you for guidance. He turned to you for strength when he had given his all. He entrusted you with this ship many times and he called you friend. Hardly a day would go by when one wouldn't be seen without the other. You were always there…side by side. I kept off to one side, just a fraction, in order to keep an eye on the two of you…keep you in line. How many hair-brained schemes did the two of you come up with over the past few years? Too many for me to count. Yet this ship, and its crew, was always in the best of care when you looked out for them.
Damn. These tears are a nuisance. They cloud my judgment and I nearly take a seat on the floor. Rest. I need a little rest. But my mind won't rest. It won't leave me in sweet oblivion. You died a noble death, my friend. You were a true Vulcan to the very end. I'd challenge any full-blooded Vulcan to deny that fact. You could out think and out reason them any day. I was proud of your accomplishments, Spock. I wish now I had coughed up the guts to tell you that while you were still alive.
Damn that Kahn. Damn him to hell for what he's done. He knew just how to get at us…through our dearest blood…through our closest friend. Oh, he wasn't specifically aiming at you, his fight was with Jim, but by bringing about the situation that led to your death, he got back at Jim. He got his revenge. He killed you, didn't he? Oh, you made the decision yourself to go through death's door, but if that damnable Kahn hadn't …well, you know. You're dead. Would Kahn be jubilant if he knew just how far the shockwave has reached?
I know I've talked to you about God and destiny, about life and death, but this is different. I find myself asking God…why? Why take your life when you were just beginning to find your way, just beginning to discover who you were and your purpose in life? Is He truly out there or does He only dwell in our hearts?
There now, just listen to me. I'm trying to reason out the Almighty's existence. Trying to rationalize His purpose for being and the reason for this whole, damn mess. Now who does that sound like? How about one green blooded, pointed eared, wonderful friend that I once knew. Dear God, how I miss you, Spock, my old friend.
Things won't be the same without you. Who will I spar with? Who will challenge every illogical, irrational act that I will commit in my life? Not another Vulcan. No, for there is no other who could ever take your place. You were one of a kind, you were…
I can't sit here anymore. I pace this floor like a caged animal. I feel like I always did when you got under my skin. I have to move about. I have to get back to my duties. I have to see to the welfare of the ship's crew. I have to… I have to…
Dammit, Spock! Get your butt back here where you belong instead of traipsing across the galaxy! You're needed here! Your place is here on this ship! Your duty is to the Captain and the Enterprise, not some quiet journey through space! Surely there aren't as many challenges for you where you presently reside than what we could offer you here!
Be sensible, Spock! Be logical! You belong here with Jim and me….