DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Lady Gueniver and is copyright (c) 2003 by Lady Gueniver. This story is Rated PG.
She sat still as stone. A cup of cold coffee in her hand. A long list of technical equipment on the computer screen sat static, unseen by her. She was distracted beyond belief by the word.
Literally bound, forever.
Her heart pounded in her ears, she felt weak. Damn that man! What was he doing to her?
Well, she reasoned with herself, to be honest he hadn't done anything at all. Just love the hell out of her.
And he did love her. He wasn't very verbal with his love. But she knew he loved her. As a matter of fact she could honestly say she had never heard him say it. But she felt it. Each time she opened herself, each time they joined...
Her arms felt weak at the thought of it. The cup in her had seemed heavy and clumsy. It was so wonderful, so perfect and yet... He didn't ever say it, but she knew it nonetheless. He needed more. He didn't want more, he needed it. Something more than she was giving. And it terrified her.
Why? Why did it scare her so much?
She had tasted it, a small part of it anyway. The impossible surrender of body and mind in the crystalline moment of ecstacy. She had felt it from him, had even craved it when they were apart. But it scared her. It scared her that she could lose herself in him. It scared her that if she gave herself to him it would fail somehow, it would tarnish it.
No, that wasn't it. She knew what they had could never be tarnished. It was losing herself that scared her. She was terrified that after all these years of work and planning, hard won victories to get where she was, she would lose herself. Not just the sweet yielding to his need, but the essence of who she was. It was a crazy thought, but she somehow felt that if she gave this to him she would be lost.
She put the cup down on the table, her gaze was glazed over. She knew she should be working on the list in front of her, she had a job to do. But she couldn't shake the feeling in her arms and legs. Heavy and tingling and achy. Maybe she was ill, she thought hopefully.
No. She knew what this was, this was fear. Fear of what? Commitment? She almost laughed at that. She was fully committed to him, heart and soul. What was it that scared her?
She nodded with certainty to no one at all. It was fear. It ate at her. She was afraid of yielding her will to him. No, not her will, her independence. No, that wasn't it either. She knew she would never have to leave her job or her life. She knew it. So what was it?
Fear that he would hurt her? No, he would never hurt her. She knew that. Well... not on purpose. She felt a blush creep up at the thought of what kind of 'damage' he could do in the throes of his passion. Well, not malicious anyway. Besides that was not an issue. And she knew he would never hurt her emotionally, he had spent too much of his life controlling and caring for emotions. No, it wasn't that she was afraid of him hurting her.
But it was fear.
Fear of what others might think? Well, there was a little of that. She knew that if, no when, the truth came out she would suffer under her friends' ribbing and general scrutiny. But that's what friends were for, wasn't it? To care for you and to tease you and to just plain be there for you. So what the hell was it?
Fear of what?
She didn't know.
Fear of the unknown? Could it be that simple? Was it just that stupid biological impulse that avoids change? Was she so human as to be this terrified of what it would be like to take the leap and let herself be bound to him this way?
She pressed her lips together in a thin line.
Maybe. It was a terrifying concept, so alien to her. His life, his people, his way. There was no doubt in her mind that it would be his way, it was too important to him. Even if he never said it, she could see it. She knew. He hoped for it, he needed it. He needed someone who could live their life at his side, bound to him and living their life according to his discipline and structure. He loved her and her playfulness and spark, but he needed someone who could also live in his world.
And it was a scary world to her. She had read about it, seen the vids, talked to people, hell she even knew some of them pretty well. But it's not the same as taking the leap, putting on the clothes and walking a mile in that world of control.
That's what it was.
She was afraid of the control. She practiced her own version of it for sure. She couldn't have gotten as far as she did in the world without it, but his way, his life, his control...
She swallowed hard. But the reward was that he was also bound to her. As much as he needed her, she needed him. Two sides of a coin. But she was so scared.
How could she tell him? How could she say it without hurting him? What words do you use to tell someone that you want something but it scares the hell out of you? Especially when that fear will likely sabotage the who damn thing?
Damnit, why did this have to change? Why couldn't it just stay the same? Why?
She sighed angrily.
She looked up. "Yes?" she tried not to sound guilty, but she knew she should have been working on the list in front of her.
Kelly smiled kindly at her, "Ma'am. They're expecting you in the transporter room."
"Transporter room? Damn, what time is it?" She looked at the chrono. "Aw, hell. Kelly, would you make sure all this stuff makes it planet side?" she said jumping up and pointing to the list on the computer screen.
Kelly smiled wider, a touch of pride on his face, "Already done, Doctor. You'll be well outfitted." He handed her the duty jacket that hung on the rack behind her desk.
"Thanks," she said hurriedly scooping up the tricorder and medkit and a large case of meds.
"And, Doc, don't worry, we'll be fine."
She smiled now. "I know you will, Kelly. You've got this place running like a well oiled machine." She pat him on his shoulder. "Don't let Leonard walk all over you while I'm gone."
He laughed. "No, ma'am."
She looked to the door a half second before it hissed open.
"Dr. Chapel, you are expected in Transporter room 3. We have a 15 minute window to beam you down to the landing site or you shall have to wait another 6 hours. I estimate another 13.6 minutes remain." He stood there in uniform, on duty, stiff attention, eyes slightly dark with reproach.
She laughed at him gently, knew he was teasing her. She was late but he was reproaching her for not meeting him in the turbolift for a moment's quiet goodbye.
"Mr. Spock, if the good people of New Seraphis have gone this long without a doctor, I'm sure another 6 hours will not kill them." And she headed to the doorway where he stood waiting for her.
No fear in her heart at all. He was there, waiting for her as he always was. It was so easy when he was there. Maybe it would be alright. Maybe the fear would just go away. Maybe it didn't matter if it was there or not. They loved each other and that should be enough. She swallowed hard and followed him out the door, determined that when she returned from this mission she would talk to him about it.
It was time.