Note: Star Trek is the property of Paramount Corporation. This is a work of not-for-profit fan fiction. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is copyright 2000 by Jade Nocturnias and may not be copied, reproduced, archived, posted or distributed without my express written consent. A copy may be downloaded for personal reading enjoyment only. This story is rated PG-13 for language and sexual suggestion.
A Question of Faith
"I have lost her."
Spock didn't realize he'd said the words aloud until he heard them in his ears. His heart felt heavy, weighing him down in sadness. How had this happened? It had only been a week since their last encounter, in the arboretum. When he'd wanted to tell her she was wrong, that he did care for her. But the words were slow to form and she had taken his silence for agreement and fled. He had been trying for several days to get up the courage to approach her. Now it seemed that it would be useless.
Yesterday in the mess hall he'd been sitting with the captain and the doctor when she came in. He was pleased to see her; he had finally decided what to say. And hopefully she would hear him out. As he was about to excuse himself, a man he did not recognize came in and crossed the room to Christine. She smiled when he touched her shoulder, then nodded at something he said to her. She picked up her tray and went to an empty table. A moment later the man sat down beside her.
Spock studied him with narrowed eyes. He was aware that some new crewmembers had come aboard from the research station four days earlier, but he had not met any of them yet. This man was tall and slender, with short brown hair and dark green eyes. He wore the red shirt of the engineering department. Spock glanced at the man's sleeves and noted that he was a Lieutenant Commander. And he seemed very taken with Christine. As they talked he brushed a hand against her arm, staring into her eyes. Christine, for her part, seemed to enjoy the attention. She smiled several times, laughing at something he whispered to her. Spock felt blood rushing to his face as the unaccustomed emotion of jealousy took hold of him with long powerful fingers. Who was this man? What was he doing with Christine?
"Well," Captain Kirk smirked. "It looks as though Miss Chapel has a gentleman caller, Bones. Care to fill me in?"
McCoy was grinning even more then Kirk. "Lt. Commander Holloway. Just came on board with the other new crew. Won the Tirand medal for engineering last year. Received two commendations in the past 3 years. Very impressive record. Nice guy, too."
"You've met him?" Kirk asked.
"Yeah. He's come to sickbay the last two days to wait for Christine to get off shift. And you're right -- he is very taken with her."
"She seems to like that," Kirk said with a grin.
"Well, from what I can tell, she does. I'm glad to see it, too. About time she got a social life."
Spock said nothing, only sat numbly with his hands folded on the table. He watched as Christine and Commander Holloway rose and left the mess hall, having quickly finished their lunch. He rose as well. "If you will excuse me, Captain, Doctor," he said quietly. He barely waited for their reply before exiting.
McCoy stared after him in puzzlement. "Now what the blazes was that all about?"
Kirk was as mystified as he was. "I have no idea, Bones. If I didn't know it's impossible, I'd say it bothered him to see Miss Chapel with another man."
"Well, it doesn't bother me," McCoy declared. "It makes me happy to see her getting over that green-blooded ice bucket she's been mooning over for the past 4 years."
"Bones! Spock is your friend, too, you know."
"I know, I know. I just don't like to see her beating herself up over him is all."
"You know what, Bones," Kirk mused, "I've had the feeling ever since they came back that something happened between them on Hypna. Something we don't know about."
McCoy shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe Spock gave her the cold shoulder one too many times."
The captain shook his head. "I don't think so… but I don't have a clue what it is…"
* * *
Spock hurried down the corridor, maintaining a careful expression of control as he did. He caught sight of the pair around the next turn and slowed down to observe them. It was must the same as it had been in the rec room; he touched Christine's arm, laughing and smiling. She seemed happy as well; her eyes danced in merriment. They reached a turbolift and he stepped inside, leaning out to place a kiss on her cheek before stepping fully inside and the doors closed.
Spock quickly turned down another corridor so Christine would not see him. He watched her walk by, then stepped out and bleakly stared at her retreating form she headed back towards sickbay. His thoughts were chaos. How could she do this so soon after what they had shared? How could she, after all these years, be walking away from him? But how could he blame her, when he had done nothing but reject her? Even after T'Pring, he had not sought Christine out, confused and afraid of his feelings. He had chosen to run and hide. Now it was too late.
"I have lost her," he said again softly. The only response was the distant chatter of voices and the hum of the air ducts. Head bowed, Spock turned and slowly walked towards his quarters.
* * *
Spock heaved a sigh, glancing at the chronometer. He had been trying for the past 1.7 hours to meditate. He was unable to attain the mindset. Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Christine laughing and beaming at this new crewman. He felt pangs of what he now knew to be jealousy. He was ashamed that he was experiencing such emotional turmoil. But nothing he did would stop it.
He had to do something. Kirk was on the bridge, having agreed to take night watch for the week instead of Spock. When Spock had asked him to switch, it was with the hopes of spending his nights with Christine, getting to know her and perhaps -- he forced himself to admit -- making love with her and giving her the pleasure he had during his mating time. But this was not to be. He sighed again. What could he do? With Jim on the bridge, where could he turn?
* * *
McCoy was on the verge of sleep when his buzzer sounded. He mumbled for a few seconds, then grabbed his blue terrycloth robe and staggered to the door. "Come," he called with a yawn.
Spock hesitated just inside the entrance. "Am I disturbing you, Doctor?"
McCoy blinked. Whatever he'd been expecting, it was not Spock coming to see him at midnight. "Not at all, Spock. I wasn't asleep yet. Please, come in."
Spock hesitated again, then slowly entered the doctor's quarters. McCoy gestured towards a chair. "Sit down, Spock, you're making me as nervous as a cat in a roomful of rocking chairs."
Spock raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment. He sat in the chair; hands folded in his lap. McCoy took a seat across from him. "What can I do for you, Spock?"
"I am not certain there is anything you or anyone else can do for me, Doctor. But since I find myself unable to resolve my situation on my own, I decided it would be logical to seek you out in the event that you can help me."
"Uh-huh," McCoy said. This was getting weirder by the minute. Spock, acting depressed? Coming to him for help? Was the end of the universe far behind? He pulled himself out of his musings. "And what exactly is the… situation you find yourself in that you, uh, can't resolve?"
"I…" Now Spock was at a loss for words. But he knew that if he were to get assistance he had no choice but to confide in McCoy. And he knew the doctor could be trusted. "I am experiencing an… emotion."
"Oh?" was all McCoy could say. He stifled his impulse to make a sarcastic comment. Spock was obviously distraught over something. What the hell could it be? Why, he'd been acting weird ever since…
McCoy caught his breath sharply. Spock looked up at him. McCoy debated with himself for two seconds, then spoke in what he hoped was a casual tone.
"Spock, I am going to hazard a guess here. Is the emotion you are experiencing… jealousy?"
Spock lowered his head, then reluctantly nodded.
"I'll de damned," McCoy said softly. Jim had been on track after all. "You're jealous… over Christine?"
Spock nodded again.
"But that would mean that you…" McCoy's voice trailed off.
Now Spock looked up, a hint of irritation in his brown eyes. "Doctor, I know precisely what that means. I need your help, not a restatement of the obvious."
"What kind of help do you want from me, Spock?"
"I… do not know. I know I have lost her. I am uncertain of how to deal with it."
"What do you mean, you know you've lost her?" McCoy demanded.
"Doctor. You saw it yourself in the mess hall. She is obviously enamored with Lieutenant Commander Holloway. I have lost any chance I had to tell her what… she means to me."
"Like hell you have!" McCoy shouted.
Spock jerked back, completely startled. McCoy squatted beside Spock, staring fiercely into his eyes.
"Now, you listen to me, you thick-headed Vulcan. Christine has loved you for four years. That didn't just magically go away when she met Andrew. You have to tell her how you feel."
"For what purpose? She has obviously grown tired of my rejection, and I cannot blame her. It would be best to let her go."
"You're WRONG, Spock! That is the worst thing you could do! If she knew you cared about her, she'd jump for joy!"
"But she has been with him… how can you say that?"
"Because I know."
Spock shook his head. "That is not logical--"
"This isn't a question of logic, you idiot! It's a question of faith!"
"Yes, faith," McCoy told him. "You have to believe that she still loves you and wants you. You have to have faith in yourself that you can win her over."
"I… do not know how."
"Going to see her and telling her would make a dandy start, Spock!"
"It is too late--"
"Blast it, man, it's not! But maybe you want it to be, Spock. Maybe you can't handle letting her know that you feel this way. It would be easier for you to be a coward and let it go. Wouldn't it?"
Spock rose, eyes blazing. "I am many things, Doctor, but a coward is not one of them."
McCoy stood up, his expression fierce. "Then go to her."
Spock looked doubtful. McCoy snapped. "Go! Because if you don't, then I guarantee that you will lose her! Do you want that? To know that you could have done something but didn't? And every time you see her to think of what you lost?!"
Spock shook his head.
"Then dammit, do it! Now! Or you'll miss out on one of the best things in life!"
For an endless moment they stared at each other, uncertain brown eyes looking hard into fiery blue ones. Then Spock nodded, once. And quickly walked out the door.
* * *
Christine had just changed into a long dark blue satin nightgown when her door chimed. 'Who could that be?' she thought to herself as she walked over into the alcove. Standing by the control panel, she called: "Who is it?"
The voice that came back through the intercom caused her heart to pound. "Spock."
She debated for a moment, then pressed the button, stepping back as she did. He came into the room, staring at her in the soft folds of the gown that clung sensuously to her body. "Forgive me," he stammered, "I will go…"
She stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Spock, I'm alone. Please don't leave."
His brows came together in confusion. She was alone? Holloway was not, as he had imagined he might be, with her? He allowed her to draw him into the room to a light beige couch that rested along one wall in her sleeping quarters. She sat down beside him, her expression more curious than anything else. When a few minutes had passed and he had not spoken she said: "What brings you here, Spock?"
He drew a deep breath. "I came to… speak to you about something."
"All right. What is it?"
Spock swallowed hard. "Christine… this will not be easy for me to say." He struggled with himself for a moment, then said: "May I join minds with you?"
She looked at him in total surprise. "Why?"
"Because… I fear I will, to use an earth expression, mess this up. I want you to be able to completely understand and see the sincerity of what I… I feel."
"Feel?" She breathed.
"Yes," he whispered. He looked her in the eyes. "Will you allow me to do that?"
Dumbstruck, she could only nod, tensing slightly as he brought his fingers to the contact point on her temple. She raised one hand and did the same. She felt his heart beat, his blood flowing through him… felt her body separate and one with his. And then she felt his thoughts, starting four years back…
Psi 2,000. Her declaration of love. His sense of wonder, his sorrow that he was bound to T'Pring. His regret.
When the mating urge overtook him the first time. Her standing before him in his cabin. His desire for her, his need for her tenderness and caring. He'd been very close to surrendering to the fever and taking her into his arms and into himself. But no. Vulcan called. He had no choice.
T'Pring. The challenge. Thinking Jim was dead by his hands, discovering he was not. Thinking of Christine and being afraid, too afraid to try. Running away.
Platonius. The taunts as they were forced to kiss for all to see. Shame. Regret. And love. Trembling against each other. After it was all over being more afraid, running further away when part of him just wanted to run into her embrace.
On Hypna. The passion they'd shared. Her unconditional support and strength. Refusing to marry him. Everything he had ever felt for her that he had buried crashing up, over the walls of being Vulcan, no longer to be denied. Finally at peace with himself, ready to accept her feelings and give her his in return. The arboretum. Trying to find words to tell her that he did want her for her. Her running away as his heart ached. Cursing himself for having waited so long to accept himself, his emotions, causing her so much pain. Deciding to tell her even if she rejected him now after all these years.
Seeing her with Andrew Holloway. Jealousy. Fear. Regret. And pain, pure white pain. She was lost to him. The only woman who'd ever really loved him, that HE had ever loved. Gone.
Her mind-voice rang out like birds at the sunrise. 'You LOVE me?'
'Yes. I have for a long time. But I denied it, covered it up, put it away. I could not let myself love you.'
'But now you can?'
'I want to give you everything, Christine. After… what we shared I realized I did not want to live without you anymore. But I must know… do you still love me?'
She laughed so hard she thought she would cry. 'Spock, I will never, ever stop loving you!'
'And what about Holloway?'
'Spock, I don't love him. He made me feel wanted and desired is all. And I thought I would never have you the way I wanted to.'
'You have me, Christine. I am yours completely. If you still want me.'
'IF I still want you? You just try getting out of here, mister! I'll tie you to the bed!'
'That will not be necessary. I have no desire to escape you. Quite the opposite. However, if you wish to tie me to the bed, I am prepared to do anything that will make you happy.'
She laughed so hard she pulled back from him as she bent over. He lowered his hand, smiling at her. "Oh, Spock," she gasped, "You have no idea of how happy I am right now!"
"I, too, am experiencing a degree of joy at present," he replied with a twinkle in his eyes.
"Mmm." She pulled him to her, finding his lips in a long, slow kiss. When it was over she grinned at him. "Anything to make me happy, huh?"
"Within reason," he replied.
"Come here," she beckoned him towards the bed. "I want to explore your definition of 'within reason' in great detail."
"That can be arranged."
* * *
Two hours after Spock left him, McCoy tried calling Spock, with no answer. Then he had the computer check his location and discovered that Spock was in Christine's quarters.
He strolled onto the bridge, grinning and bouncing on his toes. Kirk glanced at him in surprise. "Bones? Thought you'd be asleep by now."
"Nah. Lots of things on my mind, Jim."
"Such as?" Kirk quizzed.
"Oh, you know. Life. Happiness. Love. Faith."