DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc. The story contents are the creation and property of Cheree Cargill and is copyright (c) 2001 by Cheree Cargill. This story is Rated PG.
DAGGER OF THE MIND: A TERRIBLE EMPTINESS
Stardate: 2716.3 First Officer Spock recording.
My Fathers, hear the one who speaks. I am Spock, son of Sarek cha'Skon, of the House of Ni'ikhirch and the lineage of Surak, Talek-sen-deen hei-W~L'q'n'at. I reverence the memories of those who have gone before and thank you for the sharing of your wisdom with this, your humble son. May your katra reside within me and my descendants for time without end. Kai'idth.
I seek counsel and centering this day, my Fathers. I have committed an act that goes contrary to what we believe as a people. What I have done is a violation of things I was raised to believe. It seems almost an indecency ... and yet I deemed it logical and necessary. Thus, can it be so wrong? And why do I feel so troubled by it?
You know already but still I confess my sin that it may be stated clearly and without compromise.
I have melded with an outworlder. A qomi. I live and work and associate with them, Fathers -- indeed, there are those who consider me qomi'at-nirsh'W~l'q'n. It is not so, Fathers! You know that my heart burns with the fire of our hearths and Holds! -- but never have I come so close to one as this. I was forced to strip my soul bare and join with one in meld-form. It was ... unspeakable...
Fathers, you know that we are a private, insular people who shield ourselves from the prying eyes of outworlders. Even among ourselves a meld is generally reserved to the relations between bonded couples. There is such terrible intimacy involved, such a lowering of barriers and shields that only a joined mate is trusted to see within the confines of our minds and souls. Yes, I know that it is used by others for various reasons ... such as with a doctor-patient relationship, or by a priest to ascertain full truth in a judgment matter between disputing parties. Parents may meld with children and teachers with students in order to impart knowledge. But always ... always it is with another Vulcan.
And, yes, I know that my father mind-melds with my mother and she is not Vulcan, but they are bonded and so the protocols are observed in all things. She is no longer an outworlder. She is within Family Bond.
The man whose mind I entered is not. He is a stranger, unknown to me. I was compelled to meld with him in order to open a mind closed by a terrible device. Oh, my Fathers, it is nearly indescribable! The void that I entered was like nothing I have ever experienced! Such emptiness! Little wonder that this man was driven to madness. His mind had been stripped of its coherency and reason and implanted with dark and fearful thoughts. His identity was submersed in hideous, swirling currents of pain. Never have I found a mind in that condition! No Vulcan could have survived such a thing.
And the loneliness he felt... So lonely to be empty... That is what he spoke to me. And I felt it so deeply.
He could no longer help himself, although he fought deliriously to claw his way out of the darkness. I was compelled to join myself with him, to bolster his identity and slowly bring him back up from madness. We became one and his pain was my pain, his emptiness my emptiness.
I knew that emptiness first hand. It was my soul that was stripped of everything. It was my mind that was drained of knowledge and logic. I knew intimately his needing, his seeking, his desperate cry for filling. I felt myself a hollow shell. I did not know who I was. Was I Spock or was I Van Gelder? Or was I both, fused together in a frantic attempt to be someone ... something...?
I have lost a part of myself, Fathers. I gave him part of me in order to make him whole again. And, in return, a fragment of his uncertainty, his insanity, his emotional turmoil now resides within my soul. Help me deal with this, Fathers! It changes me into something I am not. I have struggled long years in the Discipline of Arie'mnu for total control over my qomi half. I have declared d'Vehl'nar. I chose the Way of Vulcan at my Ceremony of Ascension. But now the human part of me threatens to break free once again.
Help me, Fathers! Strengthen me and guide me back to the Way.
Your son, Spock cha'Sarek, thanks you for continued guidance and peace. I reverence the Way and Those Before. The one who speaks is now silent and awaits the wisdom of the Ancestors. Fill my emptiness as you would have it filled, my Fathers. I am finished.