Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of Paramount/Viacom. This filksong is the property of and is copyright (c) 1977 by Beverley Clark. Original printed in Warped Space #23, Lori Chapek-Carleton, editor.

Zap! Zap! Or The Helmsman's Revenge

Beverley Clark

(To the tune of "Beep! Beep!")

While cruising in the Enterprise at safe and slow warp three,

a little shuttlecraft came up and tried to pass by me.

I fired my phasers, one quick burst, but he would not be warned.

I'll show him that the Enterprise is not a ship to scorn!

Zap zap! Zap zap!

My phasers went zap zap!

Now I've pulled ahead a bit, we're moving at warp six.

I'll bet that shuttlecraft will find himself in quite a fix.

But no - he's coming up alongside, now he's pulled ahead.

I'll just have to slow him down and I'll beat him instead.

Zap zap! Zap zap!

My phasers went zap zap!

I've speeded up the Enterprise, he'll soon be far behind.

I don't think a shuttlecraft can travel at warp nine.

But damn! He's closing fast again, this guy can't take a hint!

The Enterprise will really have to move if she's to win.

Click click! Click click!

My speed dial went click click!

Now we're going fast as hell, but he's right by my side.

And I just hope that at warp twelve he's having quite a ride!

If I want to pass him up I must go faster still,

And since his ship can't go this fast, by George! I think I will!

Aha! AHA!

I've finally passed him by!

(Slow down here then faster...)

Captain Kirk has turned his head, he's looking down at me.

His eyes are moving 'cross my dials, I hope he doesn't see!

But now he's coming over here; I don't know what to say,

I wish that I had never left my nice warm bed today!

Oh oh! Oh dear!

The Captain's seen my board!

The Captain's face is turning red; his temper's getting hot.

I wish that I could leave the bridge and find a safer spot.

And when he roars I know that he's not pleased with what he's seen.